The Saved
The following people have either been awarded a Jesus Jackpot, and are thus guaranteed to ascend to Heaven upon their death, or have actually entered God’s realm on merit.
- Matt Barber of Liberty Counsel: for hating fags
- Pastor Steven Anderson & his male children: for being like Jesus
- Jose Luiz Gonzalez: enforcing Thou Shalt not Steal against a bunch of teenage boys
- The Texas Supreme Court (some of them anyway): enforcing the right of the church to physically harm a minor while the youth group is conducting an exorcism
- Sean Hannity: for being a great American!
- Monique Davis: publicly hating on an atheist
- The Employees of Samuel Adams Brewing: kept the booze flowing
- Unidentified father: sodomized a boy with a metal tool (with extenuating circumstances)
- Mike Huckabee: promoted the isolation of AIDS-stricken individuals
- Utah Trooper Ron Gardner: tazered a motorist who had it coming
- Brett Favre: we need a new QB
- Ann Coulter: recognizing inferiority and applying God’s will to the blank canvas of America’s unintelligent
- Bailey Goodman: God needed this cheerleader more
- Hannah Congdon: God needed this cheerleader more
- Meredith McClure: God needed this cheerleader more
- Sara Monnat: God needed this cheerleader more
- James Holsinger: hates gay people
- Jordin: because God likes American Idol
- Eva Marie Mauldin: supporting her husband after he microwaved their baby
- Jerry Falwell: God needed him more
- Rev. Gary Murrell: teaching the differences between Christians and muslims
- Billy Joe Henry: giving tattoos which do not offend God
- Ron Luce: bringing teenagers with low self-esteem to God
- Mike Ellis: starting a men-only church
- Fred Phelps: hates fags
- Mike Womack: helped the poor
- Rev Darrin Patrick: serving beer in church
