The Jesus FAQ
If you have a question you’d like to see featured on this page, please pray about it or send it to me via email. Please do bear in mind that many of these questions come directly from your emails, so if you write to me be prepared to see your question posted in the FAQ.
Q: Are you really Jesus?
A: Yes.
Q: Is this some sort of sick joke?
A: Yes.
Q: Do your parents know you run this site?
A: Yes.
Q: Could you heat a burrito so hot that even you couldn’t eat it?
A: Yes and no. There is a point at which a burrito becomes so hot that it no longer exists in a form that can be contained by the simple forces that Dad set up initially. At this temperature the burrito is no longer a burrito, it is just a random assortment of particles scattering throughout the universe. If I wanted to I could eat all of those particles.
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: There are three. The first one you all know, the second one you will never know, and the third is to have a great time while you’re there.
Q: So I hear you’re coming back. When?
A: So I hear you’re coming to Heaven. When?
Q: What really happened with Mary Magdalene?
A: Everything that was reported in the Bible, plus one minor little scrape she had with a collection guy for a local lender I helped clear up. That’s the end of it.
Q: Do deathbed confessions work?
A: As much as I’d love to answer this question, Dad refuses to confirm or deny the existence of a loophole such as the deathbed confession. If it helps you sleep at night to know that you might get in on a loophole, then I guess for you it works just fine.
Q: How do you feel about being impersonated, like on South Park?
A: I don’t like it any more than I like people who openly confess to being followers of my path doing some of the things they do. Still, I think a little satire is more acceptable than a lot of uneducated, unfounded, and unethical directions the religious majority of America continue to drag the nation in. As to being impersonated, I had it in me to forgive those who murdered me – I’m sure we can all forgive a good joke, like good Christians should.
Q: I’ve emailed/prayed to you four times. Why won’t you answer me?
A: As a general rule I don’t send out personal messages for people. If I do that for one of you, then I have to do that for all of you, then the muslims would want attention, then the scientologists, then the buddhists, then even the nihilists would want something. Your prayers and your emails are answered on my time and in my terms. If I do have something special to say to you I’ll post it on this site.
