The Damned
In the course of my job I have been forced to apply the penalty of eternal damnation to a great many individuals. This list is merely a snapshot in time of the damnation which flows from Heaven.
- Brittany Murphy: whore
- Tiger Woods (and his whores): adultery/whoring
- Sarah Palin: multiple violations of Biblical precedent
- All current and former employees of Goldman Sachs: usury
- S.C. Gavernor Mark Sanford: extramarital sex
- The Georgia Supreme Court: not stoning fags
- George Tiller: baby-killing
- Children who hunt Easter Eggs: 1st Commandment violations
- All current and former employees of AIG: failure to tithe
- GOP Chairman Michael Steele: hates babies and loves fags
- Attorney General Eric Holder: attempting to ban guns
- Michael Phelps: being a pussy
- Joe the Plumber: poor excuse for a Christian
- Rebecca Hancock: whore
- Rudy Ray Moore: rat-soup eatin’ whore
- Sheikh Saad Al-Abdullak Al-Salim Al-Sabah: being a muslim
- Mildred Loving: whore
- Arthur C. Clarke: atheist
- Yves Saint Laurent: improper use of Holy utterance
- George Carlin: blasphemy
- Bobby Fischer: communist
- Tim Russert: failure to bestow the Good News
- Michael Crichton: blasphemer and atheist
- Bettie Page: whore
- Estelle Getty: whore
- Larry Harmon: worshiping false idols
- Bernie Mac: blasphemy
- Robert Melia, Jr.: having sex with a cow
- Anyone who voted for McCain/Palin: violations of 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 and 1 Timothy 2:11-12 (among others)
- Anyone celebrating Good Friday or Easter: being pagan
- Victoria Watts and the Pregnancy Resource Center of Northeast Ohio: being a whore and promoting a sinful lifestyle
- The 2007 New England Patriots: cheating
- Barry Bonds: being an ass (and cheating)
- Ron Paul: wanting you to be free
- Scientologists: gross violations of the 1st Commandment
- Heath Ledger: making a movie about gay cowboys
- Anyone who celebrates Christmas: being pagan
- Jamie Lynn Spears: being a whore
- Lori Drew (and all her friends and family): using MySpace to drive Megan Meier, 13, to hang herself
- Megan Meier: hanging herself
- Georgia Gov. Sonny Purdue: for being a sinful hypocrite
- Larry Craig: fag
- Jenna Bush: condoning condoms and other instruments of whoring (expected to be overturned)
- People who pretend to be God: egregious and flagrant violations of all moral decency
- Kathy Griffin: worshiping false idols
- Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers: suing God (also damned are his entire family and anyone who likes him)
- Governor Bill Richardson: misrepresenting the LORD
- Michael Vick: dogs are people too (not really, but damned close)
- Two girls who set a kitten on fire: if they’d immediately eaten the cat there would have been no problem
- Barack Hussein Obama: for wanting to teach young children about sex (absolved as of January 2009 by God’s decree)
- Florida State Rep. Bob Allen: fag
- Muslims: violations of the 1st Commandment
- Paris Hilton: whore
- Two teens in Colorado: denying God (while jumping on a pressurized gas silo)
- Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts: violation of Genesis 1:29
- Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia: violation of Genesis 1:29
- Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy: violation of Genesis 1:29
- Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas: violation of Genesis 1:29
- Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer: violation of Genesis 1:29
- Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito: violation of Genesis 1:29
- Geoffrey Jones: wounded in the stones (also John Bobbitt and Lance Armstrong)
- Britney Spears: whore and hypocrite (K-Fed too)
- Hillary Clinton: violations of 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 and 1 Timothy 2:11-12
- Cold warriors: for creating weapons which replicate or do not praise God
- Gene Robinson: gay priest
- Rudy Guliani: cross-dressing (among other things)
- John Travolta: scientologist and terrible father
- Starbucks CEO Jim Donald: placing atheist messages on cups
- Kansas Board of Education: ending an abstinence-only sex-ed policy
- Judith Dadd (and everyone who looks like her): suing a church after the Holy Spirit slew her and caused her to bump her head
- People who stifle innovation: Jesus likes computers and stuff
- New Hampshire Gov. John Lynch: signed legislation allowing civil unions
- Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams (and all Anglicans): not hating gay people anymore
- Claudio Malaponti: misrepresentation of Jesus
- Al Sharpton: poppycockery of epic proportions
- All employees of the City of Dallas: not being like Jesus
- California Representative Pete Stark: atheist
- John Edwards: misrepresentation of Jesus and general douchebaggery
- James Cameron et al: misreprentation of Jesus’ bones
