The Damned

In the course of my job I have been forced to apply the penalty of eternal damnation to a great many individuals. This list is merely a snapshot in time of the damnation which flows from Heaven.

• Brittany Murphy: whore
• Tiger Woods (and his whores): adultery/whoring
• Sarah Palin: multiple violations of Biblical precedent
• All current and former employees of Goldman Sachs: usury
• S.C. Gavernor Mark Sanford: extramarital sex
• The Georgia Supreme Court: not stoning fags
• George Tiller: baby-killing
• Children who hunt Easter Eggs: 1st Commandment violations
• All current and former employees of AIG: failure to tithe
• GOP Chairman Michael Steele: hates babies and loves fags
• Attorney General Eric Holder: attempting to ban guns
• Michael Phelps: being a pussy
• Joe the Plumber: poor excuse for a Christian
• Rebecca Hancock: whore
• Rudy Ray Moore: rat-soup eatin’ whore
• Sheikh Saad Al-Abdullak Al-Salim Al-Sabah: being a muslim
• Mildred Loving: whore
• Arthur C. Clarke: atheist
• Yves Saint Laurent: improper use of Holy utterance
• George Carlin: blasphemy
• Bobby Fischer: communist
• Tim Russert: failure to bestow the Good News
• Michael Crichton: blasphemer and atheist
• Bettie Page: whore
• Estelle Getty: whore
• Larry Harmon: worshiping false idols
• Bernie Mac: blasphemy
• Robert Melia, Jr.: having sex with a cow
• Anyone who voted for McCain/Palin: violations of 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 and 1 Timothy 2:11-12 (among others)
• Anyone celebrating Good Friday or Easter: being pagan
• Victoria Watts and the Pregnancy Resource Center of Northeast Ohio: being a whore and promoting a sinful lifestyle
• The 2007 New England Patriots: cheating
• Barry Bonds: being an ass (and cheating)
• Ron Paul: wanting you to be free
• Scientologists: gross violations of the 1st Commandment
• Heath Ledger: making a movie about gay cowboys
• Anyone who celebrates Christmas: being pagan
• Jamie Lynn Spears: being a whore
• Lori Drew (and all her friends and family): using MySpace to drive Megan Meier, 13, to hang herself
• Megan Meier: hanging herself
• Georgia Gov. Sonny Purdue: for being a sinful hypocrite
• Larry Craig: fag
• Jenna Bush: condoning condoms and other instruments of whoring (expected to be overturned)
• People who pretend to be God: egregious and flagrant violations of all moral decency
• Kathy Griffin: worshiping false idols
• Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers: suing God (also damned are his entire family and anyone who likes him)
• Governor Bill Richardson: misrepresenting the LORD
• Michael Vick: dogs are people too (not really, but damned close)
• Two girls who set a kitten on fire: if they’d immediately eaten the cat there would have been no problem
• Barack Hussein Obama: for wanting to teach young children about sex (absolved as of January 2009 by God’s decree)
• Florida State Rep. Bob Allen: fag
• Muslims: violations of the 1st Commandment
• Paris Hilton: whore
• Two teens in Colorado: denying God (while jumping on a pressurized gas silo)
• Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts: violation of Genesis 1:29
• Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia: violation of Genesis 1:29
• Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy: violation of Genesis 1:29
• Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas: violation of Genesis 1:29
• Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer: violation of Genesis 1:29
• Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito: violation of Genesis 1:29
• Geoffrey Jones: wounded in the stones (also John Bobbitt and Lance Armstrong)
• Britney Spears: whore and hypocrite (K-Fed too)
• Hillary Clinton: violations of 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 and 1 Timothy 2:11-12
• Cold warriors: for creating weapons which replicate or do not praise God
• Gene Robinson: gay priest
• Rudy Guliani: cross-dressing (among other things)
• John Travolta: scientologist and terrible father
• Starbucks CEO Jim Donald: placing atheist messages on cups
• Kansas Board of Education: ending an abstinence-only sex-ed policy
• Judith Dadd (and everyone who looks like her): suing a church after the Holy Spirit slew her and caused her to bump her head
• People who stifle innovation: Jesus likes computers and stuff
• New Hampshire Gov. John Lynch: signed legislation allowing civil unions
• Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams (and all Anglicans): not hating gay people anymore
• Claudio Malaponti: misrepresentation of Jesus
• Al Sharpton: poppycockery of epic proportions
• All employees of the City of Dallas: not being like Jesus
• California Representative Pete Stark: atheist
• John Edwards: misrepresentation of Jesus and general douchebaggery
• James Cameron et al: misreprentation of Jesus’ bones