Contact Jesus

I am available each and every minute of each and every day except the 7th day, which is Saturday. To reach me on other day please follow these simple steps:

1. Find a quiet place free from distraction. I’m a busy deity, I can’t have you stepping away to deal with your kids in mid-discussion.
2. Get on your knees. This used to be unnecessary, but after what the Catholics did in the 16th Century Dad’s been adamant about this point.
3. Fold your hands together in any manner you choose.
4. Begin talking. This is what we call a prayer. It’s often best to start by telling me or my Dad how wonderful we are. It’s just the sort of thing that might get our attention away from African children, you see.
5. Make sure you ask forgiveness for everything you’ve done wrong. We really like details, so if you have the time and the inclination go ahead and tell us how you feel about it and what you’ll do differently next time. Of course we already know, but it’s nice to hear it from you now and then.
6. Finally, ask for whatever it is that you would like. Note that due to heavy prayer volume it may take some time to get you exactly what you want, and also remember that prayers from outside of the U.S. take at minimum an extra six weeks for answers.
7. Finish by saying Amen. I know you don’t know what it means, and I know most of the people you know don’t know what it means, but here in Heaven it’s really hard to forward a prayer to the appropriate department without the Amen stamp on it.

There are also a few tricks which might help facilitate your prayer reaching the proper angel, or which might get you bumped up in line to get an answer. Do bear in mind though that there are no guarantees other than our decisions being absolute and final, so don’t come complaining to me if you use everything on this list and still don’t get that red sports car you’ve been asking me for.

• After you pray, open your hands with a little flurry as if you’re releasing a bird or a puff of dust. Theatrics and a strong sense of involvement place in the process when you pray can have a great impact on getting our attention. Crying, shaking your fist, and shouting incoherent garbage can all be equally good means of fast-tracking your request.
• Get together with other people to pray. I’ve made it clear before, we like you to pray in groups. It really helps streamline things up here, because often you’re all just praying for the same thing at different times and it’s our poor staff who has to concatenate and do the research on multiple entries.
• Make a list. You’ve seen your preacher reading from one at the pulpit, why shouldn’t you as well? Nothing moves you to the back of the line faster than a prayer with a rambling point
• Ask for only those things which are in your means and which I or one of my associates may give you. Don’t ask me for a night with that hot redhead filling in for your pregnant secretary, for instance. It makes you look silly. If that’s what you’re after there are other…um…angels you can ask about that.

And that’s all there is to it. If you have topic suggestions for the site, want to leave a comment, or would just like to verify the status of your eternal soul, please do not hesitate to get on your knees and send me a message!

Oh, and you could also just email me or use the online confessional.