the personal blog of Jesus Christ of Nazareth
"God told me to strike at al Qaida and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did" ~George W. Bush
Posted by Jesus on January 15, 2010
It’s taken way too long for the US federal government to acknowledge the obvious: the recent massacre at a US military institution by a muslim was nothing short of an act of terrorism. Of course all good Christians knew this the second it became clear that a muslim was involved, but it’s good to finally get those in power to listen to reason.
Posted by Jesus on January 13, 2010
The news out of Haiti is grim. More than 100,000 are feared dead, the vast majority of them unbelievers or satanists. That’s right, virtually every one of the dead were pagan or devil-worshipers, which should give you a clue about who is responsible for their current predicament. God, in His infinite and perfect wisdom, has rained His wrath down on Haiti.
Posted by Jesus on December 3, 2009
A recent proposed law in Uganda has caught the attention of Heaven, and Dad has asked me to specifically bring it to the attention of you good Christians. The purpose of the legislation is something that is very dear to God. Uganda, you see, is in the process of passing legislation which puts fags to death!
Posted by Jesus on November 6, 2009
We all know that the United States was founded as a Christian nation. There’s no debating that. General George Washington used to talk about how he was fighting for God. John Adams went door-to-door delivering tracts. Thomas Jefferson, in one of the boldest acts of early American Christianity, even owned slaves. In fact, so irrefutable is the USA’s position as a solely Christian nation that God has decided to start punishing you for even allowing muslims to serve in any official capacity. Yesterday was His first lesson.
Posted by Jesus on November 1, 2009
Yesterday was two things. First of all it was Saturday, which made it the Sabbath. Secondly, it was Halloween. It only happens once every few years that Satan’s personal holiday falls on God’s mandated day of worship, so I’m sure you’ll all understand when I tell you it really pisses Dad off when you worship Satan on His day. So much so, in fact, that He decided last night to kill a kid just to make His point.
Posted by Jesus on July 31, 2009
It should come as no surprise to anyone that the Wrath of God takes the form of cancer more often than any other ailment in the modern era. Its prevalence might cause a more enlightened people to wonder if their decadent and worldly lifestyle is the cause of such a widespread affliction, but somehow its relevance to your own lives remains a mystery even to those stricken with it. Take, for instance, Senator Chris Dodd, the most recent recipient of God’s punishment.
Posted by Jesus on June 11, 2009
You know, as the Son of God it is my duty to love each and every one of you more than I love even myself. I will admit that on the mornings that I catch sight of myself in the mirror this can be tougher than you’d think. You have no idea the kind of ripped physique 2,000 years of carpentry will give you. Yet despite my mandate to love each of you, I am under no obligation whatsoever to actually like any of you. And that brings me to the subject of today’s offering, Sarah Palin.
Posted by Jesus on June 10, 2009
On a normal day I’ll receive somewhere in the neighborhood of ten to thirteen million prayers asking for some person or group to be killed, and on that same normal day I’ll only answer about fifty of them. It’s not that the millions of other subjects of these prayers for death don’t deserve it – far from it, in fact - the truth of the matter is that I’m just a really busy deity, and I simply can’t fill my day up killing too many of you, however deserved that might be. But one prayer has been very prominent as of late, and today I’d like to address it personally. It is the prayer that Barack Obama might be visited by the vengeance of God.
Posted by Jesus on May 10, 2009
My, what a busy couple of weeks it’s been. Despite heroic efforts by virtually every person outside of the United States to contain or better understand swine flu, the disease is still spreading. My team and I have been putting an extraordinary effort into breaking into Asia with the disease, as God has decreed that this one should spread “the old-fashioned way.” That means teams of Angels going door-to-door, fighting Satan’s forces hand-to-hand, to spread His Wrath. I would have thought that I’d be unhappy with the arrangement, but I’ve never had so much fun!
Posted by Jesus on April 27, 2009
My children, I am truly sorry. I tried hard to convince Dad to show you some leniency, but it looks like He’s going to fuck up a whole bunch of you with swine flu in very short order. It’s not the end I would have chosen for any of you, but unfortunately I’m only the Planner’s son. Here’s what you need to know to survive the coming Wrath of God.
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