Why John McCain must win
Posted by Jesus on September 26, 2008
Can you believe that it has been almost two months since last we spoke? I haven’t intervened in any lives, answered any prayers, or even been made aware of any of your problems since early August. The McCain campaign has me and my entire staff running ragged lately, and God has made it clear that his needs come first. Don’t ask me why Dad has chosen an old warrior suffering from dementia to lead His cause, or why He would allow a woman to sit on the ticket with him; I don’t have the clearance to know the answer to that. Just know that it’s nothing short of a full-time job keeping John sane enough to stand up for you, and that he wouldn’t be where he is if God didn’t want it like this.
I’ve been getting prayers from people non stop since that guy walked into the Uniterian Universalist Unitard Unisex Unicard church and 
You’ve seen it coming for months. You may have already been affected. The United States economy is failing, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to get better anytime soon. There are experts who say that you, the people, are to blame, or even that you’re just whining. Others say that your government screwed up. I know that it might be popular to blame George Bush or Ben Bernanke for this economic meltdown right now, but that’s all just crazy talk. Even George himself knows that God is involved in everything, which is why he still looks so comfortable. He knows he’s not responsible for the condition of the nation. It’s just providence. God has chosen this economy for you, and if you’ve been paying attention at all you probably know why. You’ve been remiss in kicking your ten percent upstairs, and God intends to put a stop to it. Now.
About two thousand years ago I saw my first dinosaur close up. I was five years old, and Joseph was taking me with him to his Fraternal Brotherhood of the Mammoth meeting a couple of towns over. We were no more than a few miles outside of town, where civilization gives way to small farms and evenly-spaced roadside inns, when I spotted the beast on the horizon. Within hours we were surrounded by literally hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of gargantuan animals. It was the age of man. It was the age of Jesus. And it was the age of the dinosaur.
My Father is admittedly very different from yours. While I’m sure yours can fashion all sorts of neat things out of wood and probably makes what you feel to be the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the planet, mine created everything that is and controls every aspect of your destiny like so many pawns on His big chessboard. Plus no one has anything on His PB&J, not even Mom, and certainly not your dad. Still, today is a happy day. This is the one day out of the year that you all choose to oblige yourselves to the man who brought you into the world and somehow hasn’t gotten around to taking you out yet.
If you haven’t heard already, you’ll know before the day is out: Barack Hussein Obama is the presumptive Democratic nominee, and will almost certainly face off against John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election. There are a lot of you praying in right now asking how and why this could happen, and I’m sure there will be a lot more of you with questions as you emerge from your American Idol or Lost hangovers to discover that there isn’t a major candidate in the race who actually stands for God’s values. But what is a good Christian to do?
It’s Friday night. You’re just wrapping up your fifth date with a pretty redhead, and you’ve been invited to her place again. You sneak quietly through the living room, being careful so as not to wake her parents. You get to her room at the end of the hall, where she lights a scented candle and puts on a Ben Harper CD. You talk about how much fun you had playing miniature golf or where you want to go over the summer, and somehow or another during your conversation most of your clothes end up on the floor. But before you can finish your declaration that dalmatians are better than poodles, she leans in close and whispers something new in your ear: I’m feeling naughty, want to put it in my butt?
Americans are generally not the most aware people, knowing very little about their own government, where their money goes when they tithe, or even what components make up their favorite pseudo-food, the Big Mac. It’s not surprising that many of you don’t know that the Pope is in the United States right now either, since I don’t recall that information being relayed to you via American Idol or Lost recently. Ignorance aside, the Pope is indeed within your borders, and it’s about time for you to get mad.