Posted by Jesus on August 10, 2010
One of the most awesome things about God is His absolute devotion to permanence. I remember a couple of thousand years ago, when I first met Him, that He had this little crumb of banana in the fur of His chin. Over the years He refused to brush it away, letting it rot and harden instead, until it finally became as much a part of Him as His hatred for fags and polyester. That bite of banana is still there today, a small dark spot on his magnificent monkey chin, where it will live eternally. Sarah Palin is like a piece of food on the chin of God. You want to tell Him to brush it away, but deep down you know He knows it’s there, and you know He wants is to rot exactly where He left it.
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Posted by Jesus on August 5, 2010
A major ruling in California yesterday overturned the voter-initiative Prop 8, opening the way for further fag marriages in that state. While many believe that the ruling was fair and proper, God Himself has made it abundantly clear that gay people are supposed to be hated and even killed. Somehow, though, California doesn’t seem to have gotten that message, choosing to allow a fag to decide whether or not fags can get married in that state. Not surprisingly, he decided in favor of his fellow fags.
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Posted by Jesus on July 29, 2010
Wow, what a busy summer it’s been! My angels tell me a lot of you have been praying to me these last months, so first off let me apologize for my complete and utter neglect of your needs and desires. If you’ve lost a loved one lately, know that you have my deepest sympathies, especially if you were somehow counting on me to intervene in their fate. My team and I have been hard at work on a special project for God over the last couple of months, so please don’t hold our lack of interjection in your daily lives against us. I doubt you will though, especially when you hear what we’ve been doing. The short version: we’re killing all of the shellfish on Earth so more of you can go to Heaven! Tell me that’s not worth a couple of months of ignored prayers and dead relatives!
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Posted by Jesus on March 31, 2010
And here all this time you Americans thought God only allowed muslim fanatics to attack you. Well, here’s a little lesson for you. A dozen or more Russians were suicide bombed over the weekend by followers of that whore Mohammad, which should of course show anyone paying attention that He has more than just killing Americans in mind for His favorite heathens.
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Posted by Jesus on January 15, 2010
It’s taken way too long for the US federal government to acknowledge the obvious: the recent massacre at a US military institution by a muslim was nothing short of an act of terrorism. Of course all good Christians knew this the second it became clear that a muslim was involved, but it’s good to finally get those in power to listen to reason.
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Posted by Jesus on January 13, 2010
The news out of Haiti is grim. More than 100,000 are feared dead, the vast majority of them unbelievers or satanists. That’s right, virtually every one of the dead were pagan or devil-worshipers, which should give you a clue about who is responsible for their current predicament. God, in His infinite and perfect wisdom, has rained His wrath down on Haiti.
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Posted by Jesus on December 3, 2009
A recent proposed law in Uganda has caught the attention of Heaven, and Dad has asked me to specifically bring it to the attention of you good Christians. The purpose of the legislation is something that is very dear to God. Uganda, you see, is in the process of passing legislation which puts fags to death!
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Posted by Jesus on November 6, 2009
We all know that the United States was founded as a Christian nation. There’s no debating that. General George Washington used to talk about how he was fighting for God. John Adams went door-to-door delivering tracts. Thomas Jefferson, in one of the boldest acts of early American Christianity, even owned slaves. In fact, so irrefutable is the USA’s position as a solely Christian nation that God has decided to start punishing you for even allowing muslims to serve in any official capacity. Yesterday was His first lesson.
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Posted by Jesus on November 1, 2009
Yesterday was two things. First of all it was Saturday, which made it the Sabbath. Secondly, it was Halloween. It only happens once every few years that Satan’s personal holiday falls on God’s mandated day of worship, so I’m sure you’ll all understand when I tell you it really pisses Dad off when you worship Satan on His day. So much so, in fact, that He decided last night to kill a kid just to make His point.
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Posted by Jesus on July 31, 2009
It should come as no surprise to anyone that the Wrath of God takes the form of cancer more often than any other ailment in the modern era. Its prevalence might cause a more enlightened people to wonder if their decadent and worldly lifestyle is the cause of such a widespread affliction, but somehow its relevance to your own lives remains a mystery even to those stricken with it. Take, for instance, Senator Chris Dodd, the most recent recipient of God’s punishment.
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