Scott Roeder wins one for America’s babies!
Posted by Jesus on June 9, 2009
In an unsurprising move earlier today, the family of now-dead baby-killer George Tiller announced that the clinic which saw so many of God’s own creations snuffed out, just as He had created them to be, will be permanently closed. Although I still wish God had chosen something better than a lone devout follower with a gun to carry out His Will in this case, this development does certainly speak to His continued effectiveness, even if His ways don’t seem quite as mysterious as we’ve grown accustomed to in recent years.
It’s not enough that you dance around in your churches on the wrong day of the week (the Sabbath is on Saturday, you fools, look it up) celebrating with icons from pagan Spring renewal rituals every year. It’s not enough that you throw your worship of false idols in God’s face year after year, blindly pretending that your behavior is anything other than an affront to God. It’s not enough that you celebrate an event that was intended to be a sign of redemption as a crass consumerist orgy of decay and decadence, fat and happy in your own ignorance. No, this Easter you had to do something special. You had to do something unique. You had to shoot Jesus.
Hello again, true believers! Those among you with the greatest of devotion will surely have noticed that I’ve been away for a while. It is not in my Holy nature to leave you alone for so long, and it certainly isn’t something I endeavor to do often. Most of the time when I’m away for a few days it’s because Dad has me out on assignment in a rogue nation or a Republican strategy session somewhere. These last couple of weeks have been different though. They’ve been Jesus time. That’s right, I took a vacation, and a much-deserved one at that. Let me tell you, there’s nothing like two weeks of shooting muslims to put a deity back on track with the world.
You are not going to believe what happened to me! I was on a plane crash! I mean, you’d never find my name on a flight manifest, and don’t bother trying to find any trace of me or my presence, but I was onboard U.S. Airways flight 1549 yesterday when it went down. Of course the liberal media isn’t telling you anything about my having been on board, nor are they talking about the huge victory Heaven won over Hell over the Hudson yesterday, but never fear! I’m here to tell you the whole story!
Have you been watching the news lately? A hundred thousand or more dead in Burma. Tens of thousands in China. God is obviously at work in Asia. Of course He works in very mysterious ways, so you probably don’t yet understand why He feels the need to extinguish so many lives in so short a time. You probably won’t understand, but today I’m going to try to explain this to you. Dad killed all of those people for good reason, and no one up here in Heaven is really sure He’s done yet.
Children, I have sad news. Moses is in U.S. custody at Guantanamo Bay along with our two envoys, and we cannot reach him through our prayer channels. He was captured more than a week ago 
