Posted by Jerry Falwell on July 8, 2008
My friends and fellow believers, it is my distinct pleasure to inform you that Jesse Helms has just been released from the Heavenly receiving department and is now at the right hand of Jesus. Of course no one should be surprised, as very few people exemplified the beliefs of Jesus so clearly and passionately as did our dear friend Jesse. I have been asked to say a few words at dinner tonight in his honor, and I’d like to summarize a couple of thoughts for those of you who missed the coverage over the holiday weekend.
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Posted by Jerry Falwell on May 20, 2008
I don’t know if it was the dead girl in the river, the choir boy in the Hamptons, the illegal immigrant orgy last summer, or the free abortions Kennedy provided in his private Olympic-size pool. Senator Ted Kennedy has a brain tumor, and it’s bad. Leave it to God to always know what you humans need, for good or for bad, in health or in poverty, in election season or American Idol season. He’ll stand you up as tall and as strong as a mountain or collapse you on yourself with a flick of His AIDS. When God sends you a message you’re supposed to get it. So my question tonight is to Ted Kennedy: are you listening?
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Posted by Jerry Falwell on October 17, 2007
My friends, it is not often that one is asked to step in for the Son of God. It is an honor I accept with deep humility and unwavering dedication on those few occasions that Jesus sees within me the capacity to be his voice. That he would trust me, a poor, wretched sinner brought up to Heaven only by the grace of almighty God, is something I still grapple with today. Even such a fallible people as we are given great responsibility now and again in our own lives, and it is what one does with this responsibility that most reveals one’s true nature. Such responsibility rests with me today, as I have been tasked with preparing a short message for all of you in Jesus’ absence. To hell with that, though. I’ve got dirt!
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Posted by Jerry Falwell on May 22, 2007
God and I have been talking a lot since I came to Heaven, and with Jesus being personally deployed to Iran to handle a couple of messes I’ve been asked to come and say some things to all of you. He didn’t say what to write about though, so I’m going to touch on some things that were important to me during my time with all of you. I’ve been watching the build-up to my funeral, which is scheduled to begin in just a few minutes. If anyone gets a copy of these musings while the funeral is underway I’d like them to be read aloud, since now all of these matters have been completely validated by God Himself. Thanks in advance.
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Posted by Jerry Falwell on May 15, 2007
Hi folks! I’ve come home! A few hours ago I was standing in my office talking to God about my future and He kept saying something about “the righteous now,” then the next thing I knew I was standing at a little door. There were a bunch of angels hanging about, along with Jesus, Mary Magdalene, a monkey (who later turned out to be God!), and Anna Nicole Smith. I asked them “where are Saint Peter and the big Gates?”
“That’s the main door, there’s always a line there,” said Jesus, pointing at a small crowd off in the distance. “This is the V.I.P. entrance. Welcome home, brother.”
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