Jesus answers your emails (part 3)
Posted by Jesus on July 21, 2008
Welcome, true believers. It’s time once again for a little bit of feedback aimed directly at some of you who have been stalwart enough to send me your prayers via email. I know it can’t be easy for you to look past the methods you’ve been using to talk to me for the large majority of your lives and adopt something so new and seemingly unholy as email, but that’s exactly the sort of thing Christians went through when you learned that you would no longer require the Pope to communicate with Heaven. We do our best to adapt. I appreciate your doing the same. Now, on to your emails!
There are so many wonderful things about being the Son of the Creator God that sometimes even I become overwhelmed. I wake up every morning in the most perfect place ever created, surrounded in my acre-wide bed by dozens of my closest followers, only to go to work serving you, God’s amazing and much-loved creation. You would not believe the number of prayers I hear every day either. I have no greater joy in my life than listening and occasionally responding to your requests, or at least the ones which don’t involve your sports teams, the grades you kids are getting, or nailing your cute cousin. My favorite days are those which find me directly engaged in your lives, which to be honest don’t come around as often since my services are in such high demand in Iraq. Today is going to be a good day though. Today I’m answering your emails.
I received an email this morning from a loyal Christian soldier who wants to know how I feel about Pat Robertson, host of the mega-popular 700 Club and founder of the Christian Coalition. It’s always fun to get emails from my followers. Prayers just come across as too demanding anymore. Jesus, do this; Jesus, save that; Jesus, please help me score with that redhead. You’d all be well-served to take a lesson from this nice person and email or pray your requests in with a little dose of humility.
Man, you guys are persistent. All you Klamecki’s out there just need to move on. She’s alright, we’re all very happy, but to be honest I didn’t have anything to do with it. Hannah is just a 
I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about the Sopranos finale, and even some prayers have floated in about what might have actually happened in the final scene. To set the record straight, Tony got whacked. True story. It’s only too easy to figure out, if only you put the pieces together. Of course just to verify the whole thing I asked Dad about it too, and He’s in agreement. His having created David Chase and planned the entire Sopranos phenomenon before the first human ever set foot on Earth basically makes him the definitive source. Gotta love that.
I got a telephone call today in my office, which in and of itself is kind of weird. My phone never really rings, so it took me a minute to find it and answer. When I finally did I was notified that “due to the changing laws I should be notified about domain changes” and asked for my fax number so that a company called Domain Registry Support could send me some data. Instead of giving them my number, however, I saved the nice lady’s soul on the other end of the phone. That got me thinking…
I’ve been in kind of a slump this week, what with all that’s been going on down there. You folks have really been talking to me a lot lately, and I appreciate that. It’s sad and unfortunate that it takes things like Virginia Tech to bring people around to what’s really important in life. It’s joyous and wonderful that more people have made that connection and reached out to those they love. Life really is a short, warm moment. All who experience it should get from it what they can.