Jesus answers your emails (part 7)
Posted by Jesus on November 12, 2009
Being the Son of God demands a lot. My responsibilities go well beyond answering prayers, damning you to the eternal pits of Hell, and concocting hokey stories about mustard seeds and camels. I’m also responsible for overseeing Heaven’s ever-growing network infrastructure, managing the choir, directing neighborhood functions as block captain, and acting as interim long-snapper for Heaven City’s football team until Dad can need more a replacement. But my biggest joy comes from answering your emails.
He’s here! The freakin’ King of Pop is here! In a few minutes I’m going to meet my disciples outside the Gates where God will be trying Michael Jackson! We haven’t had a case this contentious in a long, long time. I’m going to be updating in real-time and tweeting or twatting or whatever it’s called when I dispatch a miracle to update the Twitter thing. On to the trial!
It’s that time again, followers. As you probably know, I like to take a little time now and then to engage some of you directly, deity-to-man, just to keep up with the goings-on in your individual lives. It was a lot easier when there were only a few of you, but I’m not complaining. God will thin you out when He’s ready and then it’ll be easy again. Until then, enjoy this round of emails.
I love getting email from my followers. Unlike an elected representative or corporate drone, I don’t simply respond with a form letter and platitudes, promises and panderings, or even gift cards. No, when you write an email to Jesus Christ of Nazareth you’re going to get personal attention of a very special sort. Well, most of you are anyway. Or maybe just a few. Ok, let’s put it this way. When you write an email to Jesus you’re sometimes going to get semi-personal attention. Or maybe some of the time you write an email to Jesus you’ll get some attention, some of which may be personal. Or maybe some of the times you always personally write to Jesus you’ll always personally get some sort of attention, up to and sometimes even always possibly including the possibility of something of a personal sort, but not always. Or something.
Hello true believers! For those of you who have stuck around through my limited updates as I work diligently to see John McCain elected to lead you all closer to Heaven, I would first like to ensure you that I have no intention of leaving you (again), and have a very special surprise waiting for you at the end of your lives. Sure, it’s not all I’d wanted it to be, but for most of you it’ll bring some small measure of solace as you burn for eternity in Hell. In the meantime, I’ve got a few minutes to answer some prayers before I have to go and protect Sarah from lighting up yet another room with her idiocy. Let’s get started!
There are so many wonderful things about being the Son of the Creator God that sometimes even I become overwhelmed. I wake up every morning in the most perfect place ever created, surrounded in my acre-wide bed by dozens of my closest followers, only to go to work serving you, God’s amazing and much-loved creation. You would not believe the number of prayers I hear every day either. I have no greater joy in my life than listening and occasionally responding to your requests, or at least the ones which don’t involve your sports teams, the grades you kids are getting, or nailing your cute cousin. My favorite days are those which find me directly engaged in your lives, which to be honest don’t come around as often since my services are in such high demand in Iraq. Today is going to be a good day though. Today I’m answering your emails.
I received an email this morning from a loyal Christian soldier who wants to know how I feel about Pat Robertson, host of the mega-popular 700 Club and founder of the Christian Coalition. It’s always fun to get emails from my followers. Prayers just come across as too demanding anymore. Jesus, do this; Jesus, save that; Jesus, please help me score with that redhead. You’d all be well-served to take a lesson from this nice person and email or pray your requests in with a little dose of humility.