Posted by Jesus on April 23, 2007
The Catholic Church, in all its infinite wisdom, has finally decided to get rid of limbo. It’s about time. For those of you who didn’t know already, limbo was that place where babies who died without baptism were supposed to have gone. The Church apparently couldn’t stomach the idea of these little babies going to Hell, so they came up with limbo. It’s never been a part of the official doctrine, you see, it was just a little side thing that kind of went with the official teachings. What’s wrong with putting the literal interpretation of Adam and Eve next to something they just made up to help answer a tough question? We all see how well that’s done with Christmas, a holiday you’re not supposed to celebrate, especially in the absolute and completely pagan manner you display lately. It too was simply a thing the Church came up with to make Catholicism more palatable, but today enjoys a dangerously mammoth following.
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Posted by Jesus on April 20, 2007
Well here’s a fun little article courtesy of your friends over at Fox News. Did the Devil, it asks, make Cho Seung-Hui kill all of those poor students at Virginia Tech on Monday? Yeah, seriously. It’s a real article from a real news outlet asking for real whether or not possession by the Prince of Darkness could have caused this horrible and unthinkable tragedy. Apparently the author of the article, one Lauren Green, is not a regular reader here. If she were she would know the Devil’s role in this already. Just to be sure, though, let’s take a look at the whole mess again.
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Posted by Jesus on April 18, 2007
I’ve got a couple of topics today. Normally we try to pick one thing and stick with it, but today I need to do a followup on something written back on Good Friday and touch on another major development in the US regarding abortion. If I had to make a decisions I’d say the latter is more important, but due to your human proclivity toward only learning when appropriately punished, the former is more likely to impart a valuable lesson, which is the overall purpose for our being here. In the end they’re both important, so pay attention.So how many of you remember the whole thing about the Catholics in the Philippines who whipped themselves and got intentionally crucified on Good Friday? if not I’d suggest taking a moment to go back and catch up. In what can only be described as a mellow mix of Dad’s creativity and adherence to His own punishment principles, it appears that many participants face possible contraction of rabies as a result of their actions. Who says Dad doesn’t try new things now and then?
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Posted by Jesus on April 16, 2007
There is, of course, very sad news coming out today from Virginia. One of your own has taken many, many lives, and no one seems to have the answers that so many of you desperately seek. For those of you looking to me in this crisis, your answers shall come. You may not fully appreciate their meaning, but they’re going to come. It’s important in a situation like this to remember a few basic things which all Christians should know by now.
The first thing to remember is that everything happens for a reason, even the murder of 32 people. Dad allows all things, though His purpose is not always made evident to those involved. When this gunman, whom you will come to know very well over the next few days, began this spree he did so with Dad’s knowledge. He could have been stopped at any given moment by any number of instruments, but Dad chose to let him fulfill his role down there. The person who did this wasn’t necessarily acting as an instrument of God, just as you’re not considered an instrument of God when you eat your dinner. He was certainly a child of God, and did have his entire path planned and put into motion by God, and just like you when you eat dinner, had his acts sanctioned by God. So what does this say? Is there a message you should get out of that? Maybe.
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Posted by Jesus on April 13, 2007
Over the last five or six weeks since I began this site, a lot of ground has been covered. One of the single most important recurring topics is decisions and repercussions, a staple in the Bible and the entire concept upon which the moral structure of the Christian faith is based. In specific incidents I’ve pointed out the use of HIV, breast cancer, and other afflictions as punishments handed down from we up here in Heaven to you mortals down on Earth for offenses committed against or in the name of God. Of course the list isn’t limited to these few diseases, it continues far beyond those which you have found thus far, and there are even more afflictions on the horizon. To be honest, you can expect a steady stream of more virulent and more deadly diseases to pummel your poor planet right up to the beginning of the apocalypse, when the most devastating in our collection will finally be released. I know it’s not a topic many of you care to hear about, but it’s Friday the 13th and we need to talk about something related to doom. Doooooooooooooom! I’ll be brief though, I know you’re all busy practicing your pagan superstitions and wondering if any power besides mine could shape the course of events.
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Posted by Jesus on April 6, 2007
Good Friday. This is one of the best weekends there is, you know? All year long I get this nice steady stream of prayer; some ask for favors, others need pressing items, like food. Still others pray just to say hi, or to check in and clear their slate before a date. For whatever reason, the prayers that flow in on this one weekend account for a good thirty to forty percent of my entire yearly total. And what’s better, very few of this weekend’s prayers actually require a response - they’re generally just pure praise, which is the best kind of prayer there is.
Now before I get into any of the things I want to talk about today some things need to be cleared up. As has been the tradition for just under two thousand years, I am going to take the day off on Easter. It is the one day of the year that I take a personal day. While I would like nothing more than to come and tell you all how you’re celebrating Easter in a completely unholy and altogether far too commercialized manner, I’m going to relax and play on my Xbox with Saint Pete. What that means is that I’m going to give you a little something different today - advanced warning.
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Posted by Jesus on April 3, 2007
A really interesting thing happened out in Connecticut recently. Normally I tend to overlook neighborly spats even if they are about me or Dad, but in this case I feel a little compelled to talk a bit about what is acceptable and what is not when dealing with a neighbor. In a little shopping center a nice lady who prays at least three or four times a week put up a cute little Easter sign prodding people to honk their car horns for, of all things, me! Her neighbor, in a spiritually repugnant retaliatory strike, placed a matching sign in his window prompting passers-by to honk twice for Satan.
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Posted by Jesus on March 29, 2007
Most of my followers have heard of a band called Jars of Clay. Heck, a whole bunch of my non-followers have even heard of them. They are one of Christian music’s most talented and influential groups, and until recently one of my own favorites as well. Unfortunately, Jars has gone and done something that did not begin with them asking themselves the question what would Jesus do? No, they just went and wrote a song about the war in Iraq, and not the good kind of song. No, they’ve written the kind of song Neil Young might write, if he were a talented and relevant voice for the popular Christian alternative youth scene. Which he’s not. Thank Dad. Who’d want to hear that? Down by the riii - ver, I baptized my baaaay - beeee! No thanks.
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Posted by Jesus on March 27, 2007
Finally, it’s been released. I’ve been waiting a while to talk about this particular article, but it’s kind of hard when only a few people on the planet know about it. Up here in Heaven it’s been getting a lot of attention though, because we’ve finally found a way to drop a big pile of proof on the heads of all of the wanna-be Christians out there that Alabama is, in fact, the most intelligent and religiously driven state in the USA. The proof itself comes in the form of a study which found that Alabamians are more knowledgeable about the Bible than any other geographical group.
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Posted by Jesus on March 22, 2007
Our topic today is a subject very near and very dear to my heart, little girls. Were I to flood and repopulate the world today it would likely be filled with nothing but little girls and a few cute animals to keep them comfortable. Little girls are, in fact, the single most likely group to receive some form of divine intervention if and when they’re in trouble, simply because we up here in H.C. just adore them. All of them. Even the ugly ones. So in keeping with our topic of little girls, our story comes to us today from Yahoo News, who recently ran a fantastic story on the growing “Purity Balls” trend sweeping my followers in America. Some of you may have heard about these.
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