Posted by Jesus on August 14, 2007
Let me tell you, God has really been on a tear lately. Guys stuck in mines, bridges falling, tornadoes in New York, and more floods than an entire congregation of evangelicals can dance away in an afternoon. The most recent watery lesson was unleashed recently on North Korea, where rampant secularism and poppycockery reigns supreme. According to Yahoo hundreds are dead. According to God the pain has just started.
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Posted by Jesus on July 10, 2007
The Pope recently decided that anyone who isn’t a Roman Catholic isn’t a true Christian. What he doesn’t know, and what I know, is that virtually none of you are true Christians. How many of you own a car? I wouldn’t if I were there. How many of you have jobs? I wouldn’t. How many of you have more food in your house than you need? The list is endless. For people who are supposed to spend your lives trying to be more like me, you’re a nation, no, an entire religion of failures.
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Posted by Jesus on June 26, 2007
You really do get used to being so overlooked after two thousand years of existence. Every single day I read stories about people who know for a fact that they’re only alive because I intervened and who, when interviewed, talk about their own bravery or dumb luck and leave me completely out of the picture. Every once in a while one of these stories really bother me, because sometimes I go way out of my way to help folks and don’t get my due. You’ve probably read about the guy who killed the bear with the log, right? Perfect example.
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Posted by Jesus on June 20, 2007
Those of you who know me also know that I’m a huge Bush supporter. The man has wisdom beyond his years; he is composed, he is resilient, he hates gay people. He is the President of the People. But even the solid stalwart steward of justice himself can be wrong sometimes. I know! It’s hard to believe that a man so brilliant and morally upright can actually be wrong about something so important as saving lives! Yet here we are…
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Posted by Jesus on May 22, 2007
Just wanted to follow up on a little thing I talked about earlier. There’s an online petition you can all sign to help keep Paris Hilton in jail for the full 45 days of her sentence. God says anyone who signs it can elect to take 24 hours off anytime in the next year, during which time you won’t be judged for any actions. If any of my regular prayer partners out there have been thinking about a, um, “trip” to Thailand, here’s a great way to pull it off and keep up your relationship with your wife and preacher at the same time. Just saying…
Posted by Jesus on May 18, 2007
“Look at who I’m not voting for! Look at who I won’t elect!” James Dobson has come out and testified to his inability to vote for Giuliani because of the former mayor’s support for abortion, homosexuality, and his failed marriages. Hooray. I mean it’s an admirable position, but really, everybody already knows not to vote for him. Dobson’s a smart enough guy to know that Dad won’t let Giuliani win, so why would he even need to come out and quack about it?
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Posted by Jesus on May 16, 2007
According to this website, the Bible should be banned because it has indecent material in it, including sexual and violent content which has already gotten lesser books banned. Wait, what do you mean you don’t read Chinese? Are you telling me that you’re out there in the world trying to be more like me and you still haven’t learned the language that might help you convert the most populated nation on Earth? Tell me this isn’t a joke. I’m hyperventilating here…I thought you all spoke…oh man…oh man, that’s no good…I gotta call Moses…there goes that plan.
Posted by Jesus on May 3, 2007
Why is it that every time I pull a stack of prayers to hear I get at least two or three from people asking me to help them get laid? You’d think people would be smart enough not to ask Jesus Friggin’ Christ for help bagging that blonde down the hall. What do you think I’m going to say? “Yeah, you’ve been good lately, why not let you have sweaty unprotected extramarital monkey sex with your whore of a secretary. You deserve it!” And it’s not just from young people either - I could maybe understand if it were just teenage boys, they’re in a bad way in your current society, what with your not marrying off your women nearly young enough anymore. No, I get old geezers too, and even a preacher now and then. It’s sick, it’s really sick!
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Posted by Jesus on April 24, 2007
Straight out of Mexico City, it’s the damnation show, with your hosts, all of those people who voted to legalize abortion! I know, it’s not something that deals directly with the USA, and I do try to keep my focus on my most blessed and highly favored nation, but it’s something which I feel is important enough to warrant attention and action from all of the Christians around the world.
This legislation is threatening to make abortion laws in Mexico very similar to those in the US, which of course is a problem. We haven’t even gotten a handle on this kind of thing in God’s Country, and here it is spreading. See, this is why it’s so important for Christians to stand up and take control of their nations, especially the United States. Whatever is done in the world’s foremost superpower is bound to be emulated by a lot of other countries in due time, right? It only makes sense that those nations which want prosperity should mimic those nations which enjoy it. The problem is that Mexico, in a moment of utter stupidity, forgot that it was Dad who made The United States of America great and not lax moral laws.
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Posted by Jesus on April 23, 2007
The Catholic Church, in all its infinite wisdom, has finally decided to get rid of limbo. It’s about time. For those of you who didn’t know already, limbo was that place where babies who died without baptism were supposed to have gone. The Church apparently couldn’t stomach the idea of these little babies going to Hell, so they came up with limbo. It’s never been a part of the official doctrine, you see, it was just a little side thing that kind of went with the official teachings. What’s wrong with putting the literal interpretation of Adam and Eve next to something they just made up to help answer a tough question? We all see how well that’s done with Christmas, a holiday you’re not supposed to celebrate, especially in the absolute and completely pagan manner you display lately. It too was simply a thing the Church came up with to make Catholicism more palatable, but today enjoys a dangerously mammoth following.
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