the personal blog of Jesus Christ of Nazareth
"As the church watches from the sidelines, the ungodly elect atheists and homosexuals to school boards and legislatures" ~Robert Simonds
Posted by Jesus on February 4, 2010
You’ve probably heard about the 10 Baptists who tried to bring 33 Haitian children to better lives by taking them out of their own country by now. It’s pretty much the only thing HNN is talking about anymore up here, and for good reason. These 10 awesome people are now facing charges for doing exactly what I would have done in their place! Revolting, I know!
Posted by Jesus on June 9, 2009
In an unsurprising move earlier today, the family of now-dead baby-killer George Tiller announced that the clinic which saw so many of God’s own creations snuffed out, just as He had created them to be, will be permanently closed. Although I still wish God had chosen something better than a lone devout follower with a gun to carry out His Will in this case, this development does certainly speak to His continued effectiveness, even if His ways don’t seem quite as mysterious as we’ve grown accustomed to in recent years.
Posted by Jesus on April 1, 2009
I never thought I would see the day. In a stunning reversal of His own eternal, unchanging, perfect Law, God decreed today that fags will have the same opportunity to reach Heaven as Christians! We’re still receiving all of the details, but essentially this means that merely being gay is no longer a singularly damnable offense. This signals a significant policy shift in Heaven, and is further evidence that a new, more liberal God is emerging.
Posted by Jesus on March 27, 2009
The United Nations passed a non-binding resolution today which labels any religious defamation by any group or individual a human rights violation. We here in Heaven are thrilled at the ruling, as it opens the door to completely putting a stop to all forms of defamation, including, but not limited to, mockery, vilification, satire, impersonation, obloquy, parody, lampooning, mimicry, derision, ridicule, disparagement, and ignominy. Soon the world will come to understand that mocking faith, especially the only faith that people can follow and not boil for all eternity in a pit of doom – Christianity – will not be tolerated.
Posted by Jesus on March 4, 2009
It never fails to amaze me how wrong you, as a species, can be on a topic. Two thousand years ago I would never have suspected that you would split yourselves evenly on any given issue and be so very wrong on both sides! Even after I come back again from the dead and specifically answer the question of Evolution vs. Creation in the most definitive way possible you still don’t seem to get it! I don’t know how much clearer I can get without resorting to some damnations.
Posted by Jesus on January 2, 2009
The old year is behind us, while 2009 spreads out before us like a Christian teenage girl at her first frat party. There’s a lot of wrath in store for Christians and heathens alike in this new year, and in time we will get to the damnation and other business. I’d like to take one final look back at 2008 though, as there are some trends about which you should be aware. The most disturbing is the immense rise in cow sex.
Posted by Jesus on November 17, 2008
It’s always fun after you’ve been saying something over and over and over for a while for a really well-done report or study to come out confirming the things you’ve been saying all along. Like when you found the link between Al-Qaeda and Iraq, or that all muslims supported 9/11, or learned only after allowing gay marriage that all of your worst fears about its impact were absolutely true. Today I’m talking about a study conducted by Barna Research Group that shows that only 4% of you are going to Heaven. Vindication, she is mine!
Posted by Jesus on November 10, 2008
Well, it’s been a crazy week. Between packing up campaign offices from Heaven City to Dallas, giving the reassuring word to hundreds of millions of people soon to be made destitute and socialist against their wills, and trying to keep God and Moses from bringing the Apocalypse upon you, this has been one hell of a week. The infighting in Heaven has never been as bad as it it’s been this week, not even when old Lucifer got up on his high-horse.
Posted by Jesus on July 29, 2008
Are you feeling it yet? Are the high gas prices finally getting your attention? I hear from a lot of these days. “Jesus, please make gas cheaper; Jesus, oil costs too much; Jesus, I need a new car.” You’re even gathering at gas stations to thank God for the recent dip in prices. It’s not that we’re not hearing you down there, it’s that we know all about the gas prices, and we really don’t intend to let them fall just yet. Getting together and praising God is a heck of a good start to convincing God that you’re willing to change though.
Posted by Jesus on February 13, 2008
Loyal reader and devout Christian Fred Chaff forwarded me an article last night that explains a lot. All week long I’ve been getting these weird prayers about kids in a school somewhere in Florida who need help passing tests. Apparently when you pay your teachers squat, teach kids the answers to standardized tests instead of the learning process itself, and give your little princes and princesses everything that they could ever want from the time they’re an embryo, you get stupid children who cannot show basic proficiency to move on to the next grade. While Floridians could hire better teachers, focus more attention on raising intelligent children, or do like Mississippi and simply make the test easier, they have instead chosen the easy route and called on me to deliver a miracle.
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