Posted by Jesus on July 29, 2008
Are you feeling it yet? Are the high gas prices finally getting your attention? I hear from a lot of these days. “Jesus, please make gas cheaper; Jesus, oil costs too much; Jesus, I need a new car.” You’re even gathering at gas stations to thank God for the recent dip in prices. It’s not that we’re not hearing you down there, it’s that we know all about the gas prices, and we really don’t intend to let them fall just yet. Getting together and praising God is a heck of a good start to convincing God that you’re willing to change though.
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Posted by Jesus on February 13, 2008
Loyal reader and devout Christian Fred Chaff forwarded me an article last night that explains a lot. All week long I’ve been getting these weird prayers about kids in a school somewhere in Florida who need help passing tests. Apparently when you pay your teachers squat, teach kids the answers to standardized tests instead of the learning process itself, and give your little princes and princesses everything that they could ever want from the time they’re an embryo, you get stupid children who cannot show basic proficiency to move on to the next grade. While Floridians could hire better teachers, focus more attention on raising intelligent children, or do like Mississippi and simply make the test easier, they have instead chosen the easy route and called on me to deliver a miracle.
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Posted by Jesus on February 7, 2008
The world today is more dangerous than it has ever been and will ever be again. Muslim extremists have declared a jihad on freedom and democracy, and count among their tactics the videotaped beheading of innocent Americans and suicide bombs in crowded markets. The same people who rammed planes into your buildings in 2001 are planning new and more vicious attacks, and it is the responsibility of your government to ensure that their plans are laid bare through whatever means necessary. It should come as no surprise to anyone that occasionally that means a muslim somewhere is going to get tortured. Today I want to talk about why that is okay.
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Posted by Jesus on January 11, 2008
I’m getting an increasing number of prayers from people complaining about things such as warrantless wiretaps and the national ID card the Department of Homeland Security is pushing. Somehow a bunch of you folks have got it in your heads that I want you to be free and individualistic in your pursuits instead of watched and scrutinized at every turn. I don’t see how, though. Why would I want your government to leave you alone when your entire religious background is based on your being watched every second of every day by God? God is good, right? So it stands to reason that if you have a government which examines your lives in-depth, they can also be good!
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Posted by Jesus on December 10, 2007
Yesterday was a pretty busy day for most of us in Heaven. God is being extra vigilant this year about punishing people who celebrate the pagan rituals associated with Christmas, so there’s a lot of death and destruction to be spread around. In most cases He assigns shootings and other violent tasks to one of the angels, but as I’ve got them all sent out trying to locate Pat Robertson’s mind (since he lost it, you know), He’s heaped a ton of work on me. Most of you saw the shootings at churches in Colorado on the news yesterday. Yeah, that was me…
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Posted by Jesus on December 6, 2007
Have any of you ever really considered the true meaning of Christmas? Not that made-up pretend crap about baby Jesus and the manger and stars and wise men, but the corporate-driven pagan ritualistic shopping season thrust on you by popes, presidents, and sociopaths. In the Bible, at no point are you told to celebrate my birth. Yet you do, and in a manner which is wholly consistent with everything Satan stands for. Materialism. Greed. Spite. Sloth. Vanity. The price of your insolence is death, and through the month of December we’re going to deliver it.
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Posted by Jesus on October 12, 2007
I am so sick of all of you praying to ask me about global warming. Exactly where in the Bible does God say to pay attention to your carbon footprint? In what book is it written that one should reduce one’s dependence on fossil fuels? What part of rapture don’t you people understand? God will bathe your lands in fire long before you melt the place with emissions, so why do you even bother trying to save a planet set up six thousand years ago for the express purpose of being used up?
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Posted by Jesus on August 23, 2007
A newspaper in Malaysia was recently forced to apologize after publishing a photo of me with a cigarette on the front page. Of course a number of people who make their living being offended spoke up, suggesting that I would never in a million years touch a cigarette. In fact, there are even calls for the paper to be closed down over the incident. The people taking offense at that are going to freaking love today’s entry.
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Posted by Jesus on August 14, 2007
Let me tell you, God has really been on a tear lately. Guys stuck in mines, bridges falling, tornadoes in New York, and more floods than an entire congregation of evangelicals can dance away in an afternoon. The most recent watery lesson was unleashed recently on North Korea, where rampant secularism and poppycockery reigns supreme. According to Yahoo hundreds are dead. According to God the pain has just started.
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Posted by Jesus on July 10, 2007
The Pope recently decided that anyone who isn’t a Roman Catholic isn’t a true Christian. What he doesn’t know, and what I know, is that virtually none of you are true Christians. How many of you own a car? I wouldn’t if I were there. How many of you have jobs? I wouldn’t. How many of you have more food in your house than you need? The list is endless. For people who are supposed to spend your lives trying to be more like me, you’re a nation, no, an entire religion of failures.
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