Posted by Jesus on November 15, 2007
You know, I’ve been thinking. There sure are a lot of you pretend Christians out there. I wonder if you really know the damage you’re doing to mankind by polluting and belittling the entire Cause in your efforts to curry favor among your brothers. You pray for peace and then you wage war. You espouse God’s cause and then you support an immoral serial sinner for President. You defy God, and then you have the audacity to pray for rain.
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Posted by Jesus on October 5, 2007
Yesterday a judge in Minnesota denied Senator Larry Craig’s attempt to withdraw his guilty plea in that sex sting earlier this year. For those of you who haven’t been paying attention, the Senator attempted to convince a police officer sitting in a bathroom stall next to his to have gay sex with him, then pleaded guilty to the crime after he was arrested. Somehow he still thinks he’s going to beat the charges though, which is rather impossible considering how much God has it out for him.
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Posted by Jesus on September 26, 2007
There is sorrow in the White House today. God put on a suit this morning and visited George Bush in his office, something He tries to do at least once a month when America is at war. This morning’s visit wasn’t about muslim-killing strategy or earmarking more funds for religious indoctrination programs in schools though. It was something far more depressing. Jenna Bush is going to Hell.
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Posted by Jesus on September 21, 2007
Not long ago I wrote about a Nebraska State Senator who is suing God, explaining exactly why that legal maneuver would fail and commit the plaintiff directly to Hell. Apparently some jokester out there thought it would be a good idea to respond to the lawsuit pretending to be God. That’s just a bad idea no matter how you look at it. While you on Earth don’t know exactly who did this, we in Heaven know who is responsible, and you can bet that they’re going to Hell for such a boneheaded move. You simply can’t pretend to be God and expect not to get damned.
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Posted by Jesus on September 20, 2007
I’m sure all of you have heard by now that Kathy Griffin, the notoriously untalented and ridiculously stupid pseudo-celebrity, chose to openly worship her Emmy as a false idol the other night during an acceptance speech. What you may not know is that her comments have gotten her banned from Heaven, which means that she’ll probably join most of you in Hell when she finally dies, alone, broke, and friendless. Statistically she could actually make it to Heaven, but she’d have to live to 114 and save around thirty souls per week to make up for breaking the First Commandment.
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Posted by Jesus on September 18, 2007
Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers has filed a lawsuit against God. While he claims that his legal action against the Almighty is merely to highlight the frivolous nature of your court system today, God just can’t let this act stand. Today it’s a guy suing God just to prove he can, but tomorrow it’ll be congregations who’ve lost their roof to a storm claiming that God owes them a new one and parents of little girls suing for wrongful death when God “needs more” their precious little snowflake. It’s bad precedent. It can’t stand. So Ernie Chambers will have to go to Hell.
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Posted by Jesus on September 4, 2007
There are bound to be ten better things to tell you about today than the reason Dad and I decided to go ahead and put Presidential hopeful Bill Richardson on the fast track to The Pit, but I honestly can’t remember when we were so steamed about something that seemed so small. With the damning of the entire population of South Korea over the $20 million payout to the Taliban (who will use the money to kill American Christians), preachers paintballing kids on Halloween, and God’s practical jokes going too far, one might think there are more important things to discuss. And there are. But just like as your preacher sometimes delivers a boring and irrelevant sermon, so does Jesus get worked up about small and seemingly insignificant matters. The difference is that I can damn people. Today that’s Bill Richardson.
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Posted by Jesus on August 28, 2007
Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) was arrested a while back for attempting to engage in homosexual intercourse with an undercover police officer. He denies it, of course, as all good morally bankrupt politicians would, but we all know it’s true. Heck, in case there was really any doubt, Craig has even gone ahead and entered a guilty plea in the case. Not only is he a filthy homosexual deviant who is going to Hell, but he’s also too stupid to even hire a lawyer to attempt to mitigate the damage.
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Posted by Jesus on August 22, 2007
I’ve been quiet lately about the Michael Vick matter, mostly because we all know he’s going to end up in Hell. You don’t have to be in God’s inner circle to know that training dogs to fight for profit is a sure way to get damned. A story has emerged today though, and I want to say something about it. The NAACP, in its infinite wisdom, is suggesting that Vick be allowed to continue playing football after he gets paroled in a few years. Yeah, seriously.
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Posted by Jerry Falwell on July 19, 2007
According to this, two little twits thought it would be a good idea to set a little kitten on fire. Jesus called, ladies. It’s time to pack your bags, you’re going to Hell. No one, and I mean no one gets away with setting a kitten on fire on Jesus’ watch. The poor little thing didn’t have a chance. These are the kinds of things that can happen when you let Satan into your lives, ladies and gentlemen. Kittens can get burned.
