Why celebrating Good Friday/Easter pisses Jesus off
Posted by Jesus on March 21, 2008
Today is Good Friday in the United States, and many people are taking off of work, spending all day at church reflecting, or just taking a moment during their day to think about me and my suffering. As has become the norm here on openjesus.org, on this religious holiday I’m going to tell you why each and every one of you out there celebrating Good Friday and/or Easter is committing an offense unto God, and will therefore be going directly to Hell upon your death.
There are certain things that one should not pray about. One should not ask me to help in a criminal or sexual pursuit, nor a game of chance, or even a tough situation resulting from egregious sin such as in the case teenage pregnancy. Some topics are just not appropriate to bring to me, your moral leader and personal Lord and Savior. One of these is the concept of “revirginization.” Once you’ve screwed around and lost your virginity you simply cannot get it back, not matter how hard you pray or how much you spend on surgery. Of course that’s not stopping some women from 
All season long I’ve been damning the Patriots, so is anyone out there really surprised that I made them lose? Wars are won by whoever I support. Figure skating? I control it. Whether or not you win the lottery? That’s all me. Tonight I got to decide who won the Super Bowl, one of my most important choices of the year. I picked the team not 
If you’ve been on the Internet for any period of time, you’re likely to have heard of a guy named Ron Paul. He is a Congressman from Texas who specializes in individual liberty, constitutional awareness, self-sufficiency, elimination of government waste, budgetary responsibility, and a whole list of typical Christian values. To many of you, then, it will come as something of a surprise that Ron Paul and his small but potent group of followers are all going to Hell. Rest assured that we in Heaven have a very good reason for damning Dr. Paul and all who associate with him. In fact, we have several reasons. To keep things brief I’ll give you five of them today.
There are few things I hate more than false idols. Fags, child molesters, muslims, and members of the ACLU all rank up there among the worst people your society produces, but even they don’t evoke the deep hatred and wrath-bringing associated with one who would worship something so obviously flawed as a god who isn’t God. Even so, there are degrees of false idol worship which go well beyond your typical golden calf or fat, rich, meditative leader. In America, and indeed around the world, there are people who are more twisted in their beliefs than even the muslims with their idiotic false prophet Mohammad and the wiccans with their love of earth and wind. These people are scientologists, and they are the single most damned group of people the world may ever know.
There are few things more likely to get your soul immediately and irrevocably damned to the everlasting torment of Hell than celebrating Christmas. I know there are millions of people out there who believe that Christmas is the anniversary of my birth in a manger in Bethlehem, and that gifts are given in the tradition of the Three Wise Men doing the same at my birth; I know that you like to set up nativity scenes and talk about how devout you all are for supposedly remembering what you think are true Christian rituals. How would you like it if half of the planet called you on your least favorite day of the year and wished you a happy birthday, despite the fact that your birthday is half a year away? After a few hundred years you’d want to damn some people to Hell too.
In a completely unsurprising turn of events, Jamie Lynn Spears, sister of megawhore pop sensation Britney Spears, 
You know, I’ve been thinking. There sure are a lot of you pretend Christians out there. I wonder if you really know the damage you’re doing to mankind by polluting and belittling the entire Cause in your efforts to curry favor among your brothers. You pray for peace and then you wage war. You espouse God’s cause and then you support an immoral serial sinner for President. You defy God, and then you have the audacity to 