the personal blog of Jesus Christ of Nazareth
"I don't think that witchcraft is a religion. I wish the military would rethink this decision." ~George W. Bush
Posted by Jesus on March 11, 2010
I know a whole bunch of you loved that whiny, snot-nosed, pathetic weenie bitch Corey Haim, and for those of you who did today’s post may be a little tough to swallow. Corey was a pussy, you see, and as we all know pussies don’t get to go to Heaven. Not even pussies that lucked into movie roles.
Posted by Jesus on December 20, 2009
Like most good Christians I am a huge King of the Hill fan. In fact, if I weren’t the son of God and savior of mankind, I would undoubtedly live in Texas and sell propane and propane accessories. What I wouldn’t do, however, is allow a filthy, untalented, self-centered, idiot whorebag niece like Luanne to live with me, but then I suppose that’s what makes Hank Hill such a wonderful Christian and role model for so many. Anyway, the filthy, untalented, self-centered, idiot whorebag who voiced Luanne – Brittany Murphy – is dead. It should come as no surprise that she’s going to Hell.
Posted by Jesus on December 15, 2009
We’ve all been holding our breath up here, hoping that God might deliver the first pardon of His career, but it doesn’t look good for Tiger. I guess since this is the only thing you guys are praying in about lately that I ought to tell it like it is. Tiger Woods is going to Hell for screwing lots of and lots of whores. Obviously all of the whores Tiger Woods screwed are also destined for hell, but no one really cares about them, what with them being filthy, gurgling, disease-ridden, dumpsters for Tiger’s immaculate golf seed.
Posted by Jesus on November 20, 2009
She’s been all over the news lately, has a new book out, might be running for President in 2012 and, according to God, is the single stupidest human being yet created. Sarah Palin, attention-whore, actual whore, and mother to a whore, is going to Hell. Here are ten reasons why, complete with scripture to back them up.
Posted by Jesus on November 8, 2009
I know your economy sucks. I know a lot of your are losing your jobs, your houses, and even your ability to retire. But you’ve brought it on yourself, allowing gays to prance around openly and abortions to be made available on every street corner. Even in His wrath God still has a gift for you though. For their flagrant violation of Biblical Law, it has been decreed by God today that every single employee of Goldman Sachs is going to Hell!
Posted by Jesus on June 24, 2009
I apologize, my children. I should have told you earlier that South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was a filthy whoremonger and cheater. As you’ve probably heard by now, he’s been outed by your mainstream media in what is only the latest in a series of running sex scandals for God’s chosen Republican Party. If they don’t get it together pretty quick, I have it on good authority that some severe smitings are going to begin.
Posted by Jesus on June 23, 2009
My children, a great injustice has been done in Georgia. In what will unquestionably go down as one of the single worst decisions in the history of world jurisprudence, the Georgia Supreme Court has decided that the children of a man who chose late in his life to defy God and live a life of filthy, abhorrent sexual deviance should be allowed to spend even one further second with his children! I haven’t wept like this in years. I can’t even sit uninterested and apathetic from the sideline and watch the events unfolding in Iran anymore I’m so bothered by this.
Posted by Jesus on June 1, 2009
Of course you’ve all heard the news by now, prominent baby killer George Tiller was late-late-term aborted by God yesterday in his home church in Kansas. George has been on God’s shitlist for a while now, being that killing babies is something He tends to frown upon. I’ve offered to take care of George personally several times over the years, but God always said He had something brewing. Yesterday we all got to see His handiwork. Between you and me, though, I’m not impressed.
Posted by Jesus on April 10, 2009
It’s Good Friday again, which means that Heaven is working overtime this Easter weekend damning the millions of you who take part in the pagan rituals you’ve somehow come to believe are Christian in nature. In case you missed my posts on the subject in 2007 and 2008 it might be helpful to go back and read them, if for no other reason than to understand exactly why literally everything you do as Christians over Easter weekend will send you to Hell for all eternity.
Posted by Jesus on March 18, 2009
It’s been a long time since I’ve damned an entire corporation to Hell. I put board members, executives, and individual business owners to an eternity of torment every day, but it takes something truly special to demand the absolute damnation of every single employee of any given corporation. Never in history, however, has such an action been more justified than today. Only a few minutes ago I signed the order revoking any potential Heavenly reward for all current and former employees or contractors at AIG. God is expected to formally decree their damnation in a live, televised comment later this evening, which will be carried across all of Heaven’s major networks and a handful of public access channels in Texas.
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