Shoot a 14 year old in the back, go to Heaven
Posted by Jesus on September 28, 2008
I am not normally the kind of deity who condones a great deal of killing and murder (except of course in the case of muslims), but a funny little story out of Texas got my attention this morning, and I’m compelled to give out my first Jesus Jackpot in a while. Jose Luis Gonzalez is hereby granted guaranteed passage into the promised land upon his death for shooting a boy in the back with a shotgun. It just doesn’t get any easier than that, does it?
No matter how long you live or how widely you travel, there are a great many things you are not likely to see in your short time on Earth. Among the most rare of all encounters are those which deal with a real, live manifest demon. Given the infrequency with which a real human possession occurs, compounded by the unavailability of good priests trained in the matter available to discover these possessions, you are statistically less likely to witness a true demon exorcism than you are to join the mile high club with a nun.
All men are born with talents. Some have useful talents, such as playing the bass guitar or being naturally good at working on air conditioners. Others talents are less marketable, like COBOL or speaking Spanish. Very special individuals are born with skills which allow them to shape the minds of those who listen to them, spinning words and ideas into arguments as easily as Beethoven conquered musical phrases. For these people a belief in God is important because they can and will ultimately find the souls of many Americans resting at the end of their next sentence. Sean Hannity is just such an individual, and today I’m going to tell you why he’s getting a one-way ticket to Heaven.
I’m not going to lie to you. I love to drink. Wine, beer, vodka, it doesn’t matter. Drinking is something I picked up from Dad. Ever wonder why sometimes He burned the hippies and sometimes He sent down an angel to chat with them? That’s the difference between tequila and rum. At just past midnight today I was summoned to His office, where He gave me a most important task. All current employees of 
A loyal reader pointed me to a story from Texas today involving a little girl. An 18 year-old man raped his 8 year-old stepsister, and upon being released from jail was beaten with a baseball bat and had a metal pole rammed 
I have gotten an overwhelming flood of prayers asking whether or not it’s alright for a police officer to taser an unarmed man in the back for attempting to walk away during a traffic stop. Strangely enough, most of you seem to believe that the Trooper in question should be punished. Some of you suggest that I would have let the man go, so Gardner should have done the same thing. This isn’t quite true. I might not have tasered him in the back, but I would have tasered him all the same. Sometimes people are just asking for it, and today Trooper Ron Gardner is getting his reward in Heaven for his liberal application of the rod in the line of duty.
Ahhh, football. The volume of prayers flowing into heaven quintuples when your favorite team takes the field. Being fans ourselves, we largely ignore your cries of desperation in favor of watching the games as mere spectators, but now and then Dad will step in. When He does, you can usually count on the beneficiary of His Divine Touch being the spectacular Brett Favre.
It’s been a long time since I’ve given anyone a free ride to Heaven, but to be honest it’s just so much easier to find damnable offenses than it is to find those few people deserving of salvation. One among you has been a steadfast supporter of Christian values throughout her public life, and has recently 