10 problems condoms make worse
Posted by Jesus on March 22, 2009
I’ve been receiving a lot of prayers about the Pope’s recent comments in Africa about condom use there making the AIDS problem worse. I wish I could claim that all good Christians know that condoms are completely and unequivocally against God’s Holy Law and that their use is strictly forbidden under penalty of His wrath, but the conversations I’ve had with all of you in the past few days have proven otherwise. As a result, Moses and I spent the non-Sabbath portion of the weekend compiling a list of literally each and every one of the 36,913,230,003 things that could be made worse, besides AIDS, through the use of a condom. As usual, God made us cut it down to 10.
My friends, it has been some time since I’ve spoken with you. God keeps me busy here in Heaven, so I often miss chances to come and tell you of the wonderful things He has planned for you. I’ve been particularly busy mentoring an up-and-coming warrior in the morality fight, my good friend Pastor Rick Warren. God knows this man’s heart, and has deemed him worthy to carry forth His flag in the public eye. I’ve learned some things about him too over these few months. I’ve come to love and respect Rick, both as a man and as a voice for God. You’re going to hear Heaven talk a lot about him over the next few years, and today I want to open that dialogue with a few pertinent facts about Rick.
Well, it’s Thanksgiving. Today we’re recognizing the day upon which God’s chosen explorers met the savage heathens you call American Indians and began the long and wonderful process of forced conversion through disease, coercion, and murder. It’s a wonderful little slice of history, and a great example of how a people who worship something asinine like nature, birds, jackals, allah, or any of those other made-up deities can be easily conquered with a few guys and God on your side. It’s also a day on which we recognize those things for which we are truly thankful. Here are a few of mine.
I’m sure most of you know by now that I have joined the McCain/Palin campaign in an official capacity. It’s been a very trying time for me and my staff, both because John McCain is a very sick man requiring almost constant miraculous intervention to continue speaking coherently, and because Sarah Palin is the single least capable person I’ve ever known. I still don’t know why God is allowing her to run on His ticket, but regardless of His reasons I simply cannot stay silent on the topic any longer. As usual, I came prepared to post a list of 2,663,104 reasons that Sarah Palin should step aside, but my good friend Moses convinced me to narrow it to ten. He’s a handy guy to have around, and not just because he scores the best acid.
The time has come to discuss a matter of great importance with all of God’s people. The threat of Iran to the United States and to the world is grave, and must be addressed openly and in unequivocal terms. Heaven has been in direct contact with the Bush administration for the last several years on the matter, but has largely withheld important strategic material deemed important to eterno-galactic security from the public. We apologize for not having responded to your Freedom of Information Prayers sooner, but our intelligence community has only recently been able to verify the mandatory multiple of ten reasons necessary to bring the matter to God for approval to release the information to the general public. With the bureaucratic requirements met, today I give you Ten reasons to bomb Iran.
Leslie pointed me to a great article yesterday about why 
It’s difficult to know what happens on the Sabbath around here, as God shuts Heaven completely down. There’s no Internet access, no shops open, and no prayers being answered. The only person who works on the Sabbath is the Holy Spirit, and even she has it easy. Most of you go to church on the first day instead of the seventh, so we all chip in and help her out on Sunday. Today, though, I wanted to respond to Satan’s “Top Ten Reasons to Overthrow Your Government,” which I should add is not at all indicative of the attitude of all angels.
There are exactly six hundred trillion billion thousand, nine hundred and seventy two reasons to believe in God. Moses and I spent most of our Sabbath yesterday in a little boat out on my private pond pondering them all, and from our discussion came a list. I won’t bore you with the details. Here we go!