Jesus answers your emails (part 8)

Posted by Jesus on April 7, 2010

Today I had intended to write a long post about how intellectually stimulating and absolutely coherent super-Christian Victoria Jackson is, but seeing as Mary Mags and I have been drunk on margaritas since Easter I thought it better to respond personally to some of your recent concerns. I’m still pretty toasty though, so this will be interesting. Let’s get it on!

From: Matt <[redacted]@yahoo.com>
Date: March 14, 2010
Subject: adultry

So, I finally got a three-way who knew it would be so, awesome yet not at the same time. I just wish that I didn’t do it while I was married now I’m not sure what it meant from either partner. I’m scared, turned on, confused, disgusted, angry, sorry, guilty, and   all around freaked out, please forgive all three of us lord.

I wouldn’t be concerned about the three-way or your feelings about it. None of you were going to Heaven anyway.

What I would be concerned about, however, is the fact that the other two have continued their fun without you. Best get your wife in order, Matt.

From: FSD via the Online Confessional
Date: January 26, 2010
Subject: Confession

I lied.

I hope you enjoy Hell. You won’t though.

From: dgalien via the Online Confessional
Date: March 29, 2010
Subject: morons

would you please get rid of morons

It appears that you’ve grossly misinterpreted the very first story of people in the Bible. God did not cast Adam and Eve out of paradise because they were morons; He kicked their butts out for eating of the tree of knowledge. While He doesn’t want you all to be blithering idiots, a certain degree of ignorance is not only expected, but necessary in order for one to be a good Christian. Everybody knows this.

So the short answer is no, I won’t get rid of morons. They’re my biggest supporters.

From: Emily <[redacted]@yahoo.com>
Date: January 5, 2010
Subject: my friend

My friends bi, is she going to hell?

Yes. Duh.

From: Hayden<[redacted]@yahoo.com>
Date: March 18, 2010
Subject: A problem

Jesus, you need to believe me on this, because no one else will. I am a rancher in colorado and I have a few heads of cattle and many sheep on my farm. The problem is with the animals. I have been driven to touch the sheep sexually… I’m being totally honest and open here, I don’t know who to contact for help. My wife and I have not had a very intimate life thus far and the sheep are very helpless… I feel horrible this guilt is weighing on me and I’m afraid of telling anyone I know because of the eminate rejection I would suffer. I don’t want to molest these beautful animals, but I can’t help it. Please email me back with advice, I’m genuinely in need of advice.

Hayden, I hear this all the time. You might be interested to know that the single greatest search term for this site is still, in fact, cow sex. For some reason many of my followers are constantly driven to have sex with cows and other animals, so know that you’re certainly not alone in your lust. Just be thankful you’re not a Catholic, else your email might concern a school full of deaf little boys instead of sheep.

In response to your request for advice, I’m afraid there’s little I can do for you or your wife. You’ve both been irrevocably damned to Hell since the night of March 12, 1998, when you put your penis in her butt. I’d suggest just enjoying the little time you have left not burning for all eternity in the pits of Hell with whatever hobbies you and your wife appreciate. Perhaps you can even convince her to join you in a little grope with your herd.

From: David King <davek@criticalimpactsoft.com>
Date: January 5, 2010
Subject: my friend

Hi Jesus,

I had a note in my calendar to contact you in January. Are you still the appropriate media contact?

Best,
Dave King

I had a note in my calendar to need you more in August. Do you still drive that Toyota?

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• Jesus answers your emails
• Jesus answers your emails (part 6)
• Jesus answers your emails (part 2)
• The Jesus FAQ
• Jesus answers your emails (part 5)
• Jesus answers your emails (part 3)
• The Holy Spirit, she is in trouble