Tiger Woods (and his whores) are going to Hell

Posted by Jesus on December 15, 2009

We’ve all been holding our breath up here, hoping that God might deliver the first pardon of His career, but it doesn’t look good for Tiger. I guess since this is the only thing you guys are praying in about lately that I ought to tell it like it is. Tiger Woods is going to Hell for screwing lots of and lots of whores. Obviously all of the whores Tiger Woods screwed are also destined for hell, but no one really cares about them, what with them being filthy, gurgling, disease-ridden, dumpsters for Tiger’s immaculate golf seed.

Most of you know that I’ve been looking to fill the last slot in my usual foursome for quite a while, ever since Pope Pious III went on the run from God. Moses, Ken Lay, and I still play a good ten or twelve rounds a week between the Heaven City Country Club and the municipal course out by the trailer park, but we’ve been completely unable to find someone who can keep up with us on the links like Pious. The Gipper has a great short game,  and I can’t deny that Ken loves him, but he’s real mean when he’s losing. Jerry Falwell has a pretty solid drive and is among the better putters in Heaven, but he can’t help but get into arguments with Moses over the traditional 3rd tee mushroom drop. We even invited Dad out to play with us for a while, but it gets real old getting beaten on every hole by infinite strokes.

It just takes a really special soul to fit in with the three of us. I mean you hear all this talk about me and my disciples – and don’t get me wrong, they were a truly magnificent group of guys – but that was different. My disciples and I were tight, but outside of the occasional fishing trip or jam session I don’t really see those guys all that often anymore. Ken and Moses are the dudes I play golf with. Every day. And we know that somewhere, either here in Heaven or there on Earth, is our new fourth.

I really thought it was Tiger Woods. I don’t know why – he’s been chasing expensive tail for years now – but for some reason it just didn’t sink in until all of it became public. I guess I can understand a guy who has a thing for whores though, being a guy who has a thing for whores myself.

It’s still a sad ending for a guy like Tiger. He’s got plenty of years left with you guys, but eventually he’ll be called to his eternity in Hell. They’ve only got one course down there, and it’s a seedy-ass 9-hole par 3 job sitting in a mosquito-infested bog not far from the artillery range. Getting a tee time is damn near impossible anymore now that Satan has taken up the game, and even if you could get in I hear that when Satan bogeys a hole he murders everyone on the course in the most gruesome manner possible. Definitely a poor ending for a guy who could be walking fairways with Moses, Ken and I.

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