Swine flu: How to Survive God’s Wrath

Posted by Jesus on April 27, 2009

My children, I am truly sorry. I tried hard to convince Dad to show you some leniency, but it looks like He’s going to fuck up a whole bunch of you with swine flu in very short order. It’s not the end I would have chosen for any of you, but unfortunately I’m only the Planner’s son. Here’s what you need to know to survive the coming Wrath of God.

No touching. Swine flu is highly contagious, especially through physical contact. It shouldn’t be hard to figure this out, but don’t touch people for a while, especially atheists, heavy sinners, whores, and Mexicans.

Go to church. The government and the media is going to tell you to stay home and avoid large gatherings. While their intentions are noble, good Christians know that churches are protected by an invisible force field put in place by God Himself, so no sort of disease can be contracted while on their holy grounds. During this outbreak of swine flu Christians are encouraged to gather in huge numbers in churches across America, and while there should not concern themselves with personal hygiene or excessive personal contact. Hug like you mean it.

Don’t be Mexican. I don’t know what you guys did to piss Dad off, but He clearly has a problem with it.

Stay far, far away from Paris Hilton. There is a very strong possibility that this strain of swine flu is actually Whopeipicus sluten dioxycuntslag, one of several new diseases Paris Hilton contracted, incubated, and mutated while in prison a few years back. I can’t confirm this, but it would explain why so many Mexicans are affected. If you do come in contact with Paris Hilton you are encouraged to immediately burn everything you own and throw yourself on God’s Mercy. You still won’t have much of a chance, but He might make your end a little easier.

Keep your children at home. There’s never been a better time to home school your children. Hiding them away from secular and sinful children is the absolute best way to keep them safe from swine flu, and is clearly in line with the message God is sending by unleashing this disease upon every society. Pull them out of school this week, have NetFlix send you a copy of Jesus Camp, and spend some quality time realigning their priorities. If all else fails, this might also be a good week to stone your unruly children to death in accordance with God’s Law.

Stop being gay. If you suffer from homosexuality, now is absolutely the time to report to your nearest church for reorientation. When God sends a plague named after an animal that wallows in poo all day you can only assume that it will be particularly hard on fags.

Tithe. One of the biggest reasons God is laying such massive Wrath upon Mexico is their continuing refusal to kick their mandatory 10% upstairs. Although commitment to tithing in the U.S. remains generally higher, you can bet that His Wrath will make it’s way north of the border if a significant improvement is not offered soon. The single fastest way to ensure your personal safety is to immediately transfer the full amount of your current and past due tithe amount to me. Simply click the button below and you’ll be taken to the proper page. Your absolution is guaranteed.

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