Steven Anderson & his (male) children are going to Heaven

Posted by Jesus on January 18, 2009

My friends, I have discovered one of God’s chosen. He is a man who has lived a quiet and contemplative life in Phoenix, Arizona, with his wife and 5 children. He is a man who hates gay people. He is a man who teaches his children to hate gay people. He is a man who allows his wife to speak, but only when she’s spreading the hatred God has for gay people. He is a man named Pastor Steven Anderson. He and all of his male children are going to Heaven.

Pastor Anderson is the head of the Faithful Word Baptist Church in Phoenix, where his small congregation is battling on the front lines of gay-hating, God worshiping, Christian love. His church calls itself “an old-fashioned, independent, fundamental, King James Bible only, separated Baptist church and not ashamed to say so.” You know that I’m not usually a big fan of Baptists, but these folks are alright by me. Anyone with their kind of hate can call themselves whatever they want, just so long as they continue to serve God. Among their church’s core beliefs are:

We believe that the unsaved will spend eternity in torment in a literal hell.

We believe that Jesus is God, and that Jesus Christ was begotten by the Holy Ghost of the virgin Mary.

We believe that homosexuality is a sin and an abomination which God punishes with the death penalty.

Man, do I love this guy. A Church actually founded on the core tenets of Christianity – Hell, Jesus, and hating fags! If I weren’t already privy to the knowledge that Pastor Rick Warren has been personally chosen by God to lead you all out of your wickedness and into a religiously-imposed federal system of mandated Christianity I’d say that Pastor Steven Anderson would be the perfect candidate to lead you all out of your wickedness and into a religiously-imposed federal system of mandated Christianity. Pastor Anderson is such a badass that he even has his wife and kids laying the smack down on fags, schools, daycare, and vaccines. Seriously, at 4 and 5 years old their kids are already hating fags at a 9th grade level.

From Zsuzsanna Anderson’s blog:

My kids had the following conversation at the store yesterday, very loudly, and within ear shot of several other customers:

John (4 years old): Barack Obama, and the devil, and the government are worser than anything else in the world.

Isaac (5 years old): Mom, John actually told me that he thinks Barack Obama is worse than the faggots.

Ah, precious moments!

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. – Proverbs 22:6

By the way, don’t bother writing me angry comments about teaching my children to hate homosexuals.

And why should we send you angry comments, Zsuzsanna? As Jesus Christ of Nazareth, Son of your God, I don’t see anything wrong with what you’re doing. Anyone who thinks you should be teaching your children tolerance is just plain wrong. Kids are happier and healthier in life when brought up with a firm dose of unquenchable and unquestioned hate to fall back on.

Zsuzsanna Anderson is the perfect example of a Christian mom. She knows her place in the family, has a ton of offspring (and lots more on the way!), hates gay people and liberals, and is passing everything on to her small, fundamentalist, gay-hating children. I’m serious, this woman is awesome! Check out these brilliant insights into Dad’s Word:

More from Zsuzsanna Anderson’s blog:

Sorry to confuse the issue by bringing the Bible into it. But it does say “Shouldest thou help the ungodly, and love them that hate the LORD? therefore is wrath upon thee from before the LORD.”. Christians are supposed to love their enemies, but not God’s enemies.

She’s right, you know. God doesn’t feel it beyond reason to smite, swallow, spew, damn, burn, ionize, name-call, or even crucify his own child to make His point. The Dude is honestly bad news, and He has some really epic hate in Him. The one thing you don’t want to do is accidentally think that He has some sort of nice streak and go loving people He hates. It’s alright for you to continue loving people who are mean to you, but you’d better have nothing but disdain for people who are abominations unto God.

More from Zsuzsanna Anderson’s blog:

I hate sodomites because God hates them. Romans 1 makes it clear that they became like that AFTER “God gave them up” and “God gave them over” because they rejected him time and again and would not believe on Him. It is a lie that they were born that way. It is a lie that anyone can become one. Once a person is saved, they are incapable of sinking to the level of a filthy animal because God is not rejecting them. God places the death penalty on sodomy, so apparently He thinks it’s time for them to go to hell.

Yes, Zsuzsanna! Way to go! Real, moral Christians are not animals! You do not even possess characteristics normally found in animals, with the minor exceptions of birthing young, having the senses of smell, touch, taste, sight, and such, growing hair, requiring food and shelter, grooming yourselves, communicating with one another, developing societal and familial bonds, pairing with one another, and learning things. Fags are all of these things, plus they put their penises in one another’s butts. It is exactly that distinction which makes them filthy animals and not perfect humans, and thus unworthy of Heaven.

Unfortunately, this same law regarding penises in butts applies to women in society. I’ve tried to get Mary Magdalene to explain the phenomenon of anal sex to me, but she maintains silence on the subject. Some women rather enjoy anal sex, while others only try it two or three times. Even accidental sodomy is an unforgivable sin, which is why Zsuzsanna won’t be joining her husband in Heaven. You see, one evening Steven was really putting the love of God to her in the bedroom, and in a spectacular fit of missionary-only sexual passion he missed his mark and, for one fateful stroke, engaged his wife in a moment of sodomy.

I was able to get Steven off for his transgression against God, since technically he had only committed a minor sin in anally violating his wife. Because it was sodomy with a woman as opposed to a man, the lesser, fully-forgivable charge of Sodomy under Duress was applied. There were also extenuating circumstances, as he was found by the court to have been engaged in the act of Being Fruitful during the commission of the sin. There were only a couple of minor legislative hurdles to navigate to have the act stricken from his Book of Life, and Moses was able to help with the paperwork. Steven will receive his Jesus Jackpot without a blemish on his record, which will grant him immediate ascension to Heaven upon his death, whereupon he will dine with the Lord. He will skip the formal indoctrination period, as God Himself will explain everything Steven has ever wanted to know before dessert is served. And don’t worry, there won’t be any shrimp at the table!

Zsuzsanna’s not so lucky though. The Bible is very clear about a woman’s capacity to bring great evil into the lives of men as tools of Satan, so according to God’s Law she had the much more punitive charge of Willful Sodomy with Intent to Spill Seed leveled against her. A minor charge of Enjoying It was eventually dropped, but there’s no way she’s going to overcome her brief foray into whoreism.

I managed to get all of Steven’s male offspring in Heaven too, but God was adamant that Zsuzsanna’s female children earn their way through the Gates. He’s like that, you know? He just hates women, so it’s always going to be a little tougher on them. Oh well, that’s what makes Him God and me just Jesus Christ, His only Son. Their little girls will do fine though, since Steven and Zsuzsanna will stone them to death if they start to show signs of getting into things that might damn them permanently to ensure their salvation.

More from Zsuzsanna Anderson’s blog:

Don’t bother leaving me a dissenting comment, it will neither be read nor get published. Start your own blog and write whatever you want on there. Or better yet, crack open the Bible and read it, rather than getting your world views from the television. You might find that God is not Santa Claus.

Hey, that’s exactly what God told me! We were talking about something or another, I think He was killing a whole bunch of you or something, and I was asking Him all sorts of questions about how He felt about sending you another talking donkey or letting me give another sermon somewhere. He told me to leave Him alone and start a blog or something, and when I told Him I was going to do just that He reminded me to remind all of you that you need to crack open the Bible and read it, rather than getting your world views from the television.

You might find that God is even more bizarre than Santa Claus.

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