Smoke a joint for Jesus

Posted by Jesus on April 20, 2009

There are only a few truly exciting days in my year. Easter, Christmas, Good Friday, and all of those other half-baked pseudo-religious pagan festivals are nothing more than man-made blasphemies against God, so of course they don’t count. April 20th, however…well, let’s just say that today is important for different reasons. It may well be the most important day of the year, come to think of it. Then again I might just be saying that because I’m stoned beyond belief.

There is a bit of debate about what 420 actually means, but there is no debate about what one should be doing today. If you want to be like Jesus (and I know all of you do) then you should be smoking cannabis all day long. From the moment you wake up today to the moment you go to bed, all good Christians will be baked out of their minds.

My Disciples and I have been smoking Peter’s bong “The Salvationater” all morning, filled with a really sour, fruity bud that Mary Magdeline has been cultivating in her garden. It’s a heavy high, prone to make one a bit stupid and clumsy. Along with this we’ve been passing around little pinners that Moses rolled from his personal stash, which is probably the best weed any of us have ever smoked. He says it only grows on Mount Sinai, and only when the shadow of God passes over during the proper month. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Moses gets the best drugs.

For those of you not smoking weed today, know that you are not behaving as Jesus, which means you’re failing in your duties as Christians. On the very first page of the Bible God made it clear that every seed-bearing herb is to be consumed, so those of you not smoking today are failing the Bible before you even turn the page. Of course the whole “seed-bearing” element doesn’t necessarily mean you have to buy a bag of Mexican ditch weed – any good sensimilla is also acceptable. The seed thing is just God being God.

Our rotation today is simple. We’re going to hit Peter’s bong until we can’t anymore, then we’re going to break out the vaporizers while we dine on fresh Mahi-Mahi and manna, then we’re going to relax with an assorted collection of pipes and papers until God shows up. This evening He will be taking me and all of my Disciples to a special Dave Matthews show, after which we’re going to go to His special cultivation spot in His jungle to smoke His personal stuff until we pass out.

Of course I don’t expect such dedication from the rest of you. Just smoke a joint for Jesus on this 4/20, and God will see that all is good.

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