GOP Chairman Michael Steele hates babies and loves fags, will go to Hell

Posted by Jesus on March 12, 2009

My children, it’s never easy committing someone’s eternal soul to the endless torment of the pits of Lucifer’s domain. Eternity is one of those things that will even humble deities omniscient enough to understand it, and I am certainly a Son of God of the utmost humility and penitence. Being that I am so perfect, and that I am so humble as to recognize and respect my innate and unchanging perfection as that which God has deemed necessary, I am prone to occasionally taking a damnation particularly hard. Today is just such an occasion. Republican Chairman Michael Steele, one of my best friends and most ardent supporters, is going to Hell for gross attempted baby-killing.

As you may know, Michael recently made some comments to GQ magazine about women having a “right” to choose abortion over preserving and protecting the sanctity of God’s womb-based replicants. Michael knows as well as any other respectful, devout Republican that this position is incompatible with the view of women and children put forth by Heaven, which is what makes this so confusing. Normally Michael is so much more composed and reverent in his encounters with the press.

From the article:

Q: How much of your pro-life stance, for you, is informed not just by your Catholic faith but by the fact that you were adopted?
Steele: Oh, a lot. Absolutely. I see the power of life in that—I mean, and the power of choice! The thing to keep in mind about it… Uh, you know, I think as a country we get off on these misguided conversations that throw around terms that really misrepresent truth.

Q: Explain that.
Steele: The choice issue cuts two ways. You can choose life, or you can choose abortion. You know, my mother chose life. So, you know, I think the power of the argument of choice boils down to stating a case for one or the other.

Q: Are you saying you think women have the right to choose abortion?
Yeah. I mean, again, I think that’s an individual choice.

Q: You do?
Steele: Yeah. Absolutely.

Q: Are you saying you don’t want to overturn Roe v. Wade?
Steele: I think Roe v. Wade—as a legal matter, Roe v. Wade was a wrongly decided matter.

Q: Okay, but if you overturn Roe v. Wade, how do women have the choice you just said they should have?
Steele: The states should make that choice. That’s what the choice is. The individual choice rests in the states. Let them decide.

Q: Do pro-choicers have a place in the Republican Party?
Steele: Absolutely!

My children, I want to sincerely apologize for this. Michael Steele surprised God and I too with these statements. We want to make sure that you understand that he does not represent Christians, Americans, and especially Republicans. Good GOP members hate abortion, and will fight to the last man, women, and embryo to see its practice halted entirely. Women should not have the right to speak in public or hold positions of authority, so why would you allow them to make decisions regarding the human life half-formed in an evolved state from God’s original monkeyesque design within their own bodies at their leisure? If women had the capacity to make such decisions, they wouldn’t have been burdened with actually carrying the baby to term in the first place.

Some of you, Steele included, seem to have forgotten the fundamental differences between men and women. Women have all of the tools families need, such as the ability to carry children, an innate sense of gardening and taste that, when coupled with their asbestos-based hands and mouths, allow for better and more fulfilling cooking, and the capacity to be bought and sold as currency or when necessary to ensure the continuity of the male bloodline within the family. Men, on the other hand,  have all of the brains, and more importantly, a decree from God to keep the women of the world in line.

Unfortunately for Steele, however, he’s lost his ability to use his brain. It appears too that his problems are only just beginning.

More from the article:

Q: Do you think homosexuality is a choice?
Steele: Oh, no. I don’t think I’ve ever really subscribed to that view, that you can turn it on and off like a water tap. Um, you know, I think that there’s a whole lot that goes into the makeup of an individual that, uh, you just can’t simply say, oh, like, “Tomorrow morning I’m gonna stop being gay.” It’s like saying, “Tomorrow morning I’m gonna stop being black.”

Q: So your feeling would be that people are born one way or another.
Steele: I mean, I think that’s the prevailing view at this point, and I know that there’s some out there who think that you can absolutely make that choice. And maybe some people have. I don’t know, I can’t say. Until we can give a definitive answer one way or the other, I think we should respect that.

Respect what, Mr. Steele? Should we respect a man having filthy monkey sex with another man just because you can’t be completely sure that they didn’t choose to do the most disgusting thing two men can do together? Should we also respect people who have sex with cows until we can determine whether or not they’re born with a penchant for bovine encounters?

The conclusion is simple, and unfortunately it’s also mandatory. Michael Steele has been entered into the Book of the Damned, and upon his death will proceed immediately to Hell. Once there he’ll be made the honorary chair of the Hades-based branch of the Democratic Party, where he’ll be free to spread his blasphemous, baby-killing, anal-sex-having philosophy among a large group of souls conducive to such teachings. Of course he’ll do so while in the most excruciating pain and torment a man can ever experience in any single given eternity, but at least he’ll be doing what comes naturally to him as the best possible agent of Satan that God clearly created him to be.

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