Remembering mothers, and going to Hell for it

Posted by Jesus on May 10, 2009

My, what a busy couple of weeks it’s been. Despite heroic efforts by virtually every person outside of the United States to contain or better understand swine flu, the disease is still spreading. My team and I have been putting an extraordinary effort into breaking into Asia with the disease, as God has decreed that this one should spread “the old-fashioned way.” That means teams of Angels going door-to-door, fighting Satan’s forces hand-to-hand, to spread His Wrath. I would have thought that I’d be unhappy with the arrangement, but I’ve never had so much fun!

In any event, I’ve returned briefly to Heaven to spend the day with Mary – that’s the Mary I call “Mom,” not the Mary I call “Tease” – and to replace my iPhone. I’m also supposed to get Peter a jar of good jelly, because frankly yours all sucks, and some fresh socks for John Wayne. I’ve never seen a man sweat like that.

But I want to get really serious for a minute. This is the serious Jesus here. Sermon on the mount serious. So pay attention. There’s something that needs to be said, and it needs to be heard and understood by all good Christians. This is stripped-down, to the core, super-serious low-down critical divine spit.

Moms are awesome.

No kidding, they’re the greatest thing anywhere. Nothing short of having God as your father even comes close to having a cool mom. My own is no exception, short of the fact that she has to live with the fact that I, having the Almighty as my own father, am the lone holdout in the aforementioned equation. Sure, she has to try a little harder than normal, but she does it with a grace and dignity that completely overshadows her obvious lack of absolute power. I spent the whole day with her today, not once thinking about how weak and frail she is compared to Dad.

And how is it that moms everywhere seem to always know exactly what their kids need? Mary had prepared a travel bag for me even before I arrived which was loaded with my new iPhone (with all of my contacts pre-loaded!), fresh socks for all of us, jellies and jams for Peter, jerky for Moses, and even a big bag of my favorite marijuana strain, and on top of that she even knew what kind of rye munchies I like when I smoke it, and included a sack of them for good measure! That’s another thing that really sucks in Asia; the crap they smoke there only helps convince us that they need a big breakout of swine flu.

Now as awesome as moms are, it’s critically important to remember that they’re still women, and thus not very important in the overall scheme of the world. It’s important to love them, recognize their contributions to your well-being, respect and honor them, and listen to them when they have something to teach you (as long as you’re inside the house). But don’t hang too much on them, because at any given moment your dad might have to put them down for any number of violations. God demands a great deal from women, and frankly most of them just aren’t up to His standards. You should know this going in, though. It’s the kind of Bible 101 stuff any good Christian already understands.

It’s also important to remember that God has expressly forbidden religious ceremonies in remembrance of anything not absolutely spelled out in the Bible, so anyone attending a Church which has somehow tied its own Sabbath celebrations into Mother’s Day has probably been damned irrevocably to Hell for your transgressions. It might seem a bit pedantic to damn you all for something like that, but our courts up here recently decided that if we’re going to send you to Hell for celebrating Christmas and Easter on grounds that they’re not Biblically-approved holidays, then we’d have to do the same for Mother’s Day, Father’s Day (except where the sermon and practice are directed wholly and specifically at God), and any other such celebration. Rules are rules.

I’ll be in Vietnam all week working on a minor outbreak, which we hope will draw Satan’s defensive forces off their guard and allow for an all-out push into China. Once this flu takes complete hold anywhere it’ll kill a full third of all sinners in its footprint, which will leave the forces of Hell with limited Earthly resources with which to defend against Christian indoctrination. God is insisting that He has Obama under control, so perhaps the Crusade began under Bush the Second truly will continue in the years to come. We’ll know for sure when Bible-laden paratroopers are landing in a swine-flu ravaged Tienanmen Square.

I love it when He works in mysterious ways.

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