Religious defamation is a thing of the past!

Posted by Jesus on March 27, 2009

The United Nations passed a non-binding resolution today which labels any religious defamation by any group or individual a human rights violation. We here in Heaven are thrilled at the ruling, as it opens the door to completely putting a stop to all forms of defamation, including, but not limited to, mockery, vilification, satire, impersonation, obloquy, parody, lampooning, mimicry, derision, ridicule, disparagement, and ignominy. Soon the world will come to understand that mocking faith, especially the only faith that people can follow and not boil for all eternity in a pit of doom – Christianity – will not be tolerated.

Opponents suggest that the individual right to free speech is more deserving of protection than a religious group’s right not to be made fun of, but it’s important to realize that these opposition voices are all owned by desperate sinners for whom God has no love.  It’s not surprising that such filthy atheist terrorists would vote against a resolution which will only strengthen Christianity in the years to come by making it illegal to focus on all but the absolute positives of the faith and its followers under penalty of fine and/or imprisonment.

From the article:

“Defamation of religious is a serious affront to human dignity leading to a restriction on the freedom of their adherents and incitement to religious violence,” the adopted text read, adding that “Islam is frequently and wrongly associated with human rights violations and terrorism.”

I couldn’t have put it any better myself. Well, except for that part about muslims. We all know that every muslim who has ever lived is/was a pedophile terrorist whack job whose sole job is/was to do the will of Osama bin Laden. The only difference between muslims of the past and muslims today is that God’s crusaders can now kill them much, much easier due to the combined advantages of bleeding-edge weapons technology and muslims continuously honing their sucking at everything skills.

The facts that muslims stink, can’t read, drive poorly, and die easily aside, there is no justification whatsoever for they or anyone else to hurl intentional insults at other religions for any reason. Since only a very select few of you are endowed by God with the power to perform miracles, the overwhelming majority of you live in a world free from sorcery or supernatural intervention. In this bland and wonderless world it can be difficult enough to justify believing in an invisible sky-god for Whom no scientifically-validated proof will ever be generated and Who kills you indiscriminately for not loving Him enough without a bunch of intellectuals tossing out lines from movies your parents knew better than to let you watch and books you’ve never heard of that make you feel like you don’t actually know a damn thing about the real world.

Christian life is made significantly more difficult by those who look upon the religion as a collection of made up fairy tales based on agrarian necessity and astrological constants. Those well-versed in history and literature are somehow allowed to go on and on about the so-called “true” origins of the Bible, and scientists even receive money from the government to study the jokes God left you in the fossil record. Meanwhile, people who speak intelligently about condom use making AIDS worse or who perform real science which definitively ties abortion to breast cancer are laughed at.

The museum which displays the proof that people and dinosaurs lived together is shunned by the mainstream science community, yet another byproduct of the allowance of religious defamation. Fred Phelps, one of God’s true warriors, is almost never portrayed in the media positively; only Sean Hannity and a few AM talk show personalities recognize his true strength.

The point is that it’s hard enough to go through life without getting caught up in one or more of the distractions God places in your path to test you. The last thing you need is someone who has read more, thought more, traveled more, been exposed to more, knows more people, understands more, has experienced more, and knows more answers to more questions than you do telling you how silly you are for having wasted such a significant portion of your life dedicating your intellectual attention to something that is made up instead of spending your life experiencing all of the amazing and wonderful things which exist in the real, secular world.

We can’t allow that because eventually you might start to believe it. Then you’ll be an atheist, and nothing short of eternity in the worst place the most omnipotent and vengeful God and His fallen arch-nemesis can jointly conjure will await you.

This is for your own good. From now on, speaking poorly of Christianity, mocking any portion of its core tenets, or even attempting to specify why any other belief system, including atheism, are better will result in immediate damnation. Moreover, Heaven has appointed Joseph L. Anslinger, son of the famed Harry Anslinger, to head up a new lobbying unit whose job it will be to produce legislation around the world containing stiff mandatory prison sentences for violators.

It’s a new day, people. After today there will be no more mocking God.

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