Michael Phelps is going to Hell for being a pussy

Posted by Jesus on February 6, 2009

You know what really chaps my ass? People who bend over and take something that they know is complete and utter crap for no reason. Take Michael Pheps, for example. Here’s a kid who enjoys the respect of the entire world for accomplishing the amazing, and because of one photograph of him doing something more than half of the people on the planet have enjoyed since the dawn of time he’s put in a position where he thinks he has to apologize. For what, Michael? What are you apologizing about? You’re not the one who did anything wrong, outside of being a total pussy when your chance to be a new kind of hero came up. If you should be apologizing for anything, it’s that you wimped out and now you’re going to Hell for it.

There’s something you should know about God. He is a clinician on the topic of marijuana. Of course He is also a clinician on mustard, chairs, and video rendering, but it’s for the same reason: He put all of them them on Earth for you to use. If it’s there, you’re supposed to find a way to make it work for you. I don’t even know why I have to explain this to any of you. I’d like to direct your attention to the very first page of the Bible, where the really, really basic stuff is.

From the Bible:

And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat. And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so. And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day. ~Genesis 1: 29-31

Do you see that? Genesis one. Chapter one of the Bible. The 29th through the 31st most important things God has ever told you, right behind creating man and woman. You can’t believe that God created Adam and Eve and also believe that He did not intend for you to inbibe marijuana. Heck, I smoked my fair share of the stuff when I walked Earth, and Judas was a heck of a cook with the stuff. Peter had a great hookup in Galilee that could get these little nuggets of purple and orange with big hunks of silver and white crystals. We spent many an hour on a boat talking about Dad, blitzed out of our minds on the best weed a miracle could buy. It’s there for that very reason. You’re supposed to use it.

Marijuana eases pain, often with fewer and less severe side-effects than chemically-engineered medicine. It calms aches and loosens strains, and for more than half of human history has was grown and imbibed as much to ease the muscles of a sore farmer as to cure his wife’s recurring headaches. It also keeps people from thinking and reading, which as we all know is paramount to ensuring that no blasphemers or dreamers of dreams are allowed to be borne among you.

You see, God is a Poet. His canvas is all of Creation, and His brushstrokes are galaxies painted on the ever expanding universe of His own infinite mind. Within those brushstrokes are ripples caused by the minor perfections in His brush, which stand raised against the backdrop of solar systems chained together by an element of His will, a force you’ve come to know as gravity. Intricate bumps in these peaks and valleys eradicate worlds. The slightest change of color births a child. A dash of green produces a cross between Northern Lights and Afghani which grows out of rocks and can cripple a guy like Michael Phelps in one hit. It’s all part of God’s Plan, you see. People smoke marijuana because they’re supposed to smoke it. Even Michael Phelps. God put that bong in front of him and said “PARTAKE, HERO. YOU’VE EARNED IT.”

And another thing. While irrational stances on drugs no more harmful than alcohol and many prominent prescription medications remain pervasive, truly dangerous chemicals are not dedicated the fullness of the resources set aside to actually safeguard society; the police have better things to put their time into than marijuana arrests, and so does Heaven. We hate having to damn each and every cop who makes a pot bust to an eternity in Hell, but it’s the Law up here. I smoked pot, hash, and some other thing that Judas put in a pipe one night – nobody’s been able to figure out what exactly it was – and look at me, I’m the Son of God! You’re supposed to be acting like me, so putting people in jail who eat mushrooms or smoke a weed that grows in a ditch on the side of the road isn’t living up to your expectations. Running for President after admitting to have smoked marijuana and then not immediately ending federal involvement in marijuana-related prosecution when you win is not behaving as I would behave. Getting caught taking a bong hit and then apologizing for being irrationally attacked in a way that is entirely un-Jesus-like is not living up to my example.

So Michael Phelps will be damned to Hell, along with all of those other pussies before him who have allowed the stupidity to continue. It’s sad, too. I had such high hopes for the kid. Of course he never had a chance at any sort of records or Gold Medals up here in the Heaven Olympics. Even if he did find a way to swim faster than I can run nobody’s beaten Dad in a single event since the dawn of time. It’s kind of frustrating, in a way you’ll never in your life probably understand.

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