Mark Sanford is going to Hell for extramarital sex

Posted by Jesus on June 24, 2009

I apologize, my children. I should have told you earlier that South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was a filthy whoremonger and cheater. As you’ve probably heard by now, he’s been outed by your mainstream media in what is only the latest in a series of running sex scandals for God’s chosen Republican Party. If they don’t get it together pretty quick, I have it on good authority that some severe smitings are going to begin.

But we’ll talk about those later. Today I want to address Sanford and his upcoming descent into the Abyss. All good Christians know there’s no room for error, and that God is a pretty harsh Judge. He’s brought flames from the sky, made the earth to swallow up His enemies, and even marched His own people across deserts for decades. He’s a tough, tough hombre. There are a few sins God dislikes more than the others, though. Among the most notable of these are the two which directly involve Him, one of which is, of course, having sex outside of your marriage vow.

You see, when you make a vow of marriage and include God, you are not allowed to break that vow under any circumstance. If you do, you are simply cast out from His protection. Why else do you think divorces are so nasty or that people who have had them are such filthy characters of universally ill repute? They have lied directly to God, and as such are no longer fit to be in His grace. No exceptions or do-overs, you’re just out.

What Sanford has done is committed the most egregious violation of God’s trust by having rather excessive intercourse with an Argentinian woman, which we all know means there was most definitely lots and lots of anal sex and animal orgies. Well, we don’t all actually know that, but the Holy Spirit and Pepe spend a lot of time in Argentina, and she says that if you could harness energy directly from anal sex that one country could power the whole world. It’s like the Thailand of South America, she says.

From the article:

[Sanford] said that he had met the woman, who he did not name, roughly eight years ago and that it had become romantic within the last year. He visited her three times during the past year, Sanford said, and noted that his wife, Jenny, had been aware of the affair for the past five months.

Yeah, we’ve had our eye on him for a while. In fact, the Holy Spirit was the one who broke the news to his wife. You should have seen the fit she threw, but more importantly you should see the stuff Mark bought her immediately after.

I guess that brings me to the sad point of the matter. His wife’s name is also on the damnation order, which is not the way I would have wanted it. I normally only like to damn the cheating member of a relationship as long as there’s no divorce involved, but this one came from on high. God Himself wanted Jenny sent to Hell, and who am I to argue with Him?

This really should be a lesson to all of you, and not just Republicans. It doesn’t matter how deep into God’s good graces you think you are, all it takes is one little slip-up and BAM! You’re destined to Hell for all eternity and there’s nothing at all you can do about it.

At this point Mark hasn’t yet been preliminarily routed to any specific area of Hell, but I’m almost positive he’ll get stuck with the other politicians on the West Coast, where the Giant Fairy Demons from the islands can pick them off for weekends of horrible sex play. It’s not the worst place you can get, but for a politician it’s pretty horrible. About once every twenty or thirty million years Satan will plant a rumor that Hell is moving to democratic rule to get the politicians and activists all worked up, then unleash an army of demons to crush the whole process again.

Which is, come to think ot it, kind of like elections in South Carolina. Maybe Mark Sanford will fit right in down there in Hell.

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