Liveblogging the Michael Jackson Judgment!

Posted by Jesus on June 25, 2009

He’s here! The freakin’ King of Pop is here! In a few minutes I’m going to meet my disciples outside the Gates where God will be trying Michael Jackson! We haven’t had a case this contentious in a long, long time. I’m going to be updating in real-time and tweeting or twatting or whatever it’s called when I dispatch a miracle to update the Twitter thing. On to the trial!

7:01 – But it looks like there will be a Fall tour. Six shows in Heaven City!

6:58 – Well, that was lame. God cut him off and sentenced him. All that for nothing.

MJ is guilty. Eternity in Hell.

6:55 – God just asked Michael to answer for his crimes.

6:53 – We’re close now. Verdict is coming…

5:43 – God is finally here. Fashionably late, as usual. He’s speaking again too. Looks more rushed this time. Jackson still appears bored. Apparently a whole Sabbath in Heaven did little for him.

Sunday 5:12pm – We’re reconvened, or at least most of us are. A lot of folks didn’t come back. Everyone’s afraid God will start monologuing again.

11:58pm – Yeah, I knew it. We’re breaking for the Sabbath. I’ll be back in a day. Ugh. Rest.

10:42 – OK, MJ repented on just before his death. God’s explaining intent.

10:32 – He really did like Thriller though.

10:30 – Yeah, it’s official. God did not want MJ touching those kids.

10:27 – OK, he’s to the part about the kids…

10:11pm – Ok, here we go! He’s addressing Michael!

4:57 – He’s up to Revelations. It shouldn’t be long now. We’ll have a verdict before the Sabbath.

4:55 – Just got back from Minneapolis. We had to look at 10 different 7-11’s for a damn pickle.

2:34 – There is not one damn pickle in a bag in all of Heaven. Moses has never had one.

1:36 – Screw this. We’re going out for beef jerky.

1:27 – Wow. He didn’t spend any time on the Gospels at all. So much for His only Son.

1:06pm – God is now laying down his theory of philosophy so that He can transition seamlessly to his philosophy of law. I think we’re getting close. Which is good, because He was starting to drone on.

6:21am – We’re back. He’s addressing Michael directly. Wonder if He’s gonna finish His story of if He’s going to judge using OT law only.

3:33 – Ok, He’s calling a break for a couple of hours. Gonna play a video game with Moses.

3:13 – Wisdom Books. He’ll fly through this one. I’m going to blow a little harmonica while He speaks.

1:46 – Wow. Just wow. I love this part. Samuel is informing Mizpah of God’s chosen King. Man He tells an awesome story.

12:47 – God’s back. We’re up to Samuel. I freakin’ love this part.

12:35 – It’s official. MJ did indeed confess right before his death. Moses just showed me the statement. I wonder how God will rule as to the intent.

12:22 – Whew. The Almighty is calling another recess.

12:10 – Ahh, that explains it. They went to Hell for a minute. He’s had to do that to unruly people before. We’ve never seen the lights go out when He leaves though. That’s new. Either way, MJ will hold his tongue from here out.

12:07 – Oh, there he is, being led back in by the bailiff. He looks beat. Just beat.

12:06am – God’s here, but no MJ. Crowd regathering.

11:55 – Lights just came back on. Heading back to the gates. Stoned mad.

11:32 – Crowd’s dispersing. Everything is still dark. Not sure what to do. Going home to do a j while we figure it out.

11:18 – I’m not sure what’s happening. MJ told God to hurry it along, and after a couple of seconds everything went black. My disciples and I all still here along with the crowd and the court, but God and MJ are gone!

11:08pm – Oh! MJ just interrupted God! The Almighty is pissed!

10:29 – Aaaand we’re back. He’s caught His second wind. We’re getting the scenic route through Joshua. To be fair this isn’t so bad. When you get into the Historical Books – Joshua through around Esther, depending on your sect – it’s quite amazing when He slows down and really tells the story, as only He can.

MJ is clearly bored at this point. He’s technically in Heaven, so the body he’s wearing is the most perfect form of himself he can imagine. I think he looks a little bit like Nicole Kidman. Peter says more like Corey Haim. If this goes on much further I think MJ’s going to just break out in dance. If he can hold of until Psalms I think God will let him.

9:43 – We’re breaking for a short constitutional. So far God has laid out His framework for mankind and has carried us almost to Deuteronomy.  I must say, He’s actually moving pretty briskly.

8:41 – Food being served. We’re up to the part where He thought about putting in a second Garden.

8:07 – I wonder if He’s going to let us break for Sabbath.

7:44 – He’s off on some important thing Adam did on his 7th birthday. These normally only take a few seconds. Guilty, not guilty, Heaven, Hell, whatever. Over and done. You’re outta here. I think this is just God’s natural showmanship coming through.

7:30 – Ok, here we go. This part I know. “In the beginning blah blah blah…”

We are definitely going to be here for a while. Even MJ looks bored. Too bad Moses is on the Court or we’d probably sneak out of here.

7:02 – That was an interesting part. He’s on about some sort of contractual clause. Still not to Genesis yet.

6:46 – Yeah, it’s official. God is monologuing. “And whatever person shall come unto me with sins in their heart…

…will their fires burn for the youth and the smooth skin unwrinkled by labor…

…would not there be a reason to cast doubt upon motives so pure as to repent…”

Oh boy.

6:31 – Oh God, He’s speaking. There go whatever plans any of us had for the next freakin week.

6:30 – Jackson is standing before the Lord in Judgment. Everyone is getting quiet. I think He’s going to speak.

6:27: Jackson is here! They just led him in.

Peter was saying that he repented at the last second, which would be an interesting defense. A lot of people try it, but it’s really sort of hit-and-miss. To repent one must prove intent, and God knows intent better than anyone.

6:19pm: God and the Supreme Court Justices are all here, as are about nine thousand people. That’s like 70% of Heaven. Huge turnout.

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