Joe the Plumber is going to Hell

Posted by Jesus on January 11, 2009

You know, I’ve always had a little bit of a bone to pick with Joe Wurzelbacher, the Ohio man you all lovingly refer to as “Joe the Plumber.” As a carpenter I used to work on projects with all sorts of tradesmen – painters, bricklayers, tile guys, plumbers – and some of them were the best sort of people you could ever know. I take it personally when a tradesman steps out of line, especially when he does so in such a public manner as has Joe. For taking hypocritical pseudo-christian babble to the public, and for general douchebaggery, Joe the Plumber is going to Hell.

Now I know what you’re thinking. All this time you probably thought that Joe was the perfect All-American Christian representative. He hates gays and abortions, supported John McCain so much that he joined the campaign, and acts as if he’s a bona fide agent of God. He’s even signed on to do some journalism work in Israel, covering God’s people as they pound the sand from the cracks of God’s enemies.

From the article:

Joe Wurzelbacher, the Ohio plumber who became briefly famous during the US presidential campaign when he tackled Barack Obama on his tax plan, is on his way to Israel to be a war reporter for the conservative website pjtv.com.

Joe, clearly determined to extend the 15 minutes of fame given him by the John McCain team when they picked him up as their electoral mascot, now plans to be the voice of Israel’s ‘Average Joe.’

I sure hope Joe gets a lesson on the Old Testament over there. He, like most of you, has been slacking off in his duty to God. Joe calls himself a Christian because he’s accepted the weak and pitiful standards your society has somehow imposed on our religion. There’s a lot more to loving God than praying for money and apologizing after sleeping with your secretary. Heck, even you weenies who seem to follow Paul’s teachings don’t even come close to stacking up.

What really bugs me about Joe the Plumber is his smug sense of self-righteousness. He’s one of those people you just know runs around believing he’s speaking for me; as if anyone has the right to pretend to be Jesus! Heck, he’s even so sure of his righteousness that he doesn’t fear the godless heathens firing rockets into Israel.

From the article:

Is he scared that one of the Hamas rockets might have his name on it? Not really. After all, as he explained, he’s a Christian so God will keep him safe.

“Being a Christian I’m pretty well protected by God I believe,” he said.

Look at that, Joe thinks he’s such a good Christian that God wouldn’t dare let anything happen to him in Israel. You know, because God has never had any of His people beheaded, eaten by lions, whales, or the Earth. He’s a loving and kind God who would never let anything happen to any of His followers, which explains why all of the soldiers who have died in the war have turned out to be atheists.

What a putz. For those of you not studying for your trip to Israel, putz is a Jewish slang word for “penis.” It’s also used when describing someone someone as being a jerk or a tool. It’s a pretty fitting term for Joe the Plumber, and something he’s liable to hear a lot of while he’s out there among God’s people.

He should enjoy it too, because when he dies he’s going to Hell. I had dinner with Dad a couple of nights back and asked Him what kind of plans He had for Joe while he’s in Israel, and all the Old Man would do is smile. I can’t say what that means, but I’m sure it’s going to be fun. Maybe the Holy Spirit and I will even get a field trip out of it!

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