Jesus gets a new AR-15!

Posted by Jesus on February 24, 2009

Hello again, true believers! Those among you with the greatest of devotion will surely have noticed that I’ve been away for a while. It is not in my Holy nature to leave you alone for so long, and it certainly isn’t something I endeavor to do often. Most of the time when I’m away for a few days it’s because Dad has me out on assignment in a rogue nation or a Republican strategy session somewhere. These last couple of weeks have been different though. They’ve been Jesus time. That’s right, I took a vacation, and a much-deserved one at that. Let me tell you, there’s nothing like two weeks of shooting muslims to put a deity back on track with the world.

My whole vacation was based on my acquisition of a new AR-15 assault rifle. Mary and Peter have been talking about getting me another gun for a while, and about a month ago I mentioned something about wanting a 20″ accurized flat-top before that sonofabitch Obama bans them all. They got their hands on a Bushmaster with a sweet trigger and I, needing a vacation, set off for Iraq to test it out.

I hooked up with the 1st Infantry about twelve days ago, roving from unit to unit looking for good fights. There was no shortage of smiting to be done, and everywhere I looked someone was yelling for me to come and help them in the furtherance of Dad’s Divine Plan. By about day five I was really in it. I hadn’t showered, and the chafing my gear had been causing was just starting to go numb. I was cutting weight fast in the desert, getting back into the lean, sinewy Jesus who once single-handedly beat the asses of every money changer in a fifty foot radius. Yeah, I guess you could say that I was sort of back at home in that environment. It was, as my good friend George put it some time ago, sort of romantic.

But I’m home now, and I’m sifting through this gargantuan pile of prayers you’ve all left me. I wish I’d been home for the Oscars last night too. Somehow I don’t think the Academy would have picked a fag movie and a dead actor who was in a prior fag movie if I’d been there to lend a shred of morality to those Hollywood heathens.

Given a choice I think I’d rather be in Iraq than California though.

Related Posts

• Obama wants kindergarteners to learn sex
• Two young girls set a kitten on fire
• Who does God love more: Jordin or Blake?
• Jesus has a crush
• Ann Coulter is going to Heaven!
• It’s not a scam, it’s Jesus!
• Man kills bear with log, only tells half the story