Jesus answers your emails (part 6)

Posted by Jesus on March 26, 2009

It’s that time again, followers. As you probably know, I like to take a little time now and then to engage some of you directly, deity-to-man, just to keep up with the goings-on in your individual lives. It was a lot easier when there were only a few of you, but I’m not complaining. God will thin you out when He’s ready and then it’ll be easy again. Until then, enjoy this round of emails.

From: Ben via the Online Confessional
Date: March 25, 2009
Subject: What about the economy?

Jesus,

Are you or your dad going to step in and nationalize the U.S. economy? Our money says “In God We Trust” on it, so isn’t that your responsibility?

Thanks for dying for me!
Ben

First of all, Ben, I appreciate your recognizing my sacrifice. That was admittedly a pretty rough day, so your taking the time to say thanks means a lot. Not that it’ll help you get into Heaven, but thanks all the same.

As to your currency, you put that on your money without consulting God, and with obviously no comprehension of His financial acumen – or, put better, His absolute lack of it. It’s one thing to put your life, your family, your health, and virtually everything else non-financial under God’s trust, but I think you and I both know now that it was a grave mistake to put Him in charge of your money.

If you really want to bail yourself out of the financial mess you should either tithe your mandatory 10%, at which point God might appoint a treasury person up here to manage your economy for Him, or, better yet, change your currency to say “In Moses We Trust.” That guy knows a thing or two about money. You don’t lead 600,000 Jews across the desert and not come out the other side a financial guru.

From: Hu <[redacted]@hotmail.com>
Date: March 15, 2009
Subject: learn to speak and understand chinese

Dear Jesus:
I think you need to learn to speak and understand chinese.

PS,also you can learn to Type Message of Email message in Chinese with Chinese Zhuyin Input Method and Chinese HanyuPinyin Input Method.

Your Disciple,
Hu

Look, we’ve been over this before. With but the smallest of variance, the only people who are going to Heaven are a few dozen English-speaking, fundamentalist, white Christians. Instead of asking me to learn Chinese, why don’t you do something good for your eternal soul and teach everyone around you how to praise God in English? Not that it’ll actually help, but it’s a lot better than dictating your language requirements to the Savior of Mankind.

Remember, I’m a brown-eyed, brown-haired European man. Keep this in mind when you talk to me.

From: Drew via the Online Confessional
Date: February 9, 2009
Subject: r u really jesus?

im in middle school and all my friends are haveing sex. i know im not supposed to do that but people say that some sexual stuff is not sex. if your really Jesus please tell me what to do.

Drew, I’m going to put this in the simplest possible terms. If your penis touches anyone other than your parents, the doctor who circumcises you, your slaves, or your wife, then you have had improper sexual contact with them and will be damned for it.

You are not allowed to put your penis into the mouth of another human, though to be honest we usually let that one slide as long as no seed is spilled. Anal sex is to be avoided at all costs, with one exception. God has decreed that anyone wishing to violate an A.I.G. executive between now and Easter will receive a reprieve for up to ten strokes as long as they are not unreasonably enjoyed.

From: Katie <katieblueeyes@[redacted]>
Date: February 22, 2009
Subject: Mary Magdeline

Tell us the truth, o lord! Did you and Mary ever get it on? If not, do you regret not hitting that when you had the chance?

Dude, I humped every piece of tail that was ever on that set.

Not really. You just set me up for a great NPH quote. Man, I love Doogie Howser. What a great show.

And no, I did not get it on with Mags while on Earth. It doesn’t particularly bother me that we didn’t. She really preferred women anyway, and I didn’t have any experience, plus I wasn’t the most coordinated fellow without the full balance of my super powers. I probably wouldn’t have been any good, especially to a whore, and that surely would have led to her doubting my capabilities as the Son of God, which would have messed the whole salvation thing up terribly.

As to your reference about hitting her, let me stress again that she was a whore. Sometimes the only thing a whore understands is the back of her main man’s hand. Now before you get on my case about that, understand that I didn’t make whores that way, it’s just part of God’s Perfect Plan. Take it up with Him if you have a problem with it.

From: Rene <[redacted]@verizon.net>
Date: March 3, 2009
Subject: You better watch out

Hey “Jesus” you better watch your back. We’re finding out who you are and we’re going to have your site taken down. There are laws that say you can’t impersonate important people.

Also, you better hope I never run into you personally.

Hi Rene, thanks for writing. I appreciate your legal advice, but seeing as I am Jesus Christ of Nazareth, the true Son of God and Savior of mankind, there’s clearly nothing to be concerned about here. It’s not as if I’m some yahoo pretending to be someone else. I have been Jesus since the dawn of time, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. At least I’m not like Mohammad, who uses fake names to stir up trouble on Sean Hannity’s forums and AOL chat rooms. What do you think they’re talking about when they use the word “chatter?”

And don’t worry about running into me personally. You’ve been damned since you were eight, so it’s not even remotely likely to happen. You should have never let your math teacher do that to you.

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• Jesus answers your emails
• Jesus answers your emails (part 2)
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• Jesus answers your emails (part 5)
• Jesus answers your emails (part 3)
• The Holy Spirit, she is in trouble
• Jesus answers your emails (part 7)