In response to your prayers for Obama’s death

Posted by Jesus on June 10, 2009

On a normal day I’ll receive somewhere in the neighborhood of ten to thirteen million prayers asking for some person or group to be killed, and on that same normal day I’ll only answer about fifty of them. It’s not that the millions of other subjects of these prayers for death don’t deserve it – far from it, in fact -  the truth of the matter is that I’m just a really busy deity, and I simply can’t fill my day up killing too many of you, however deserved that might be. But one prayer has been very prominent as of late, and today I’d like to address it personally. It is the prayer that Barack Obama might be visited by the vengeance of God.

It doesn’t take a scholar like my friend Thomas Aquinas, or a mover and shaker like my friend Jerry Falwell, or even a warrior like my friend Fred Phelps to recognize that Barack Hussein Obama is the furthest thing from a devout Christian, and is thus a probable target for God’s wrath. But let me also temper such clear and undeniable truth with another: if God didn’t want Barack to be alive and President, do you think he would be?

You see, I’ve met Barack Obama. I’ve been in countless meetings with him, his advisers, God, and various members of Heaven’s legal team about the direction of the U.S.A. And while I can honestly say I’ve never once met a man who speaks with such disrespect and direct force to God, I do have to admit to admiring his stones. Barack doesn’t mince words, doesn’t fool around with double-meanings, and certainly doesn’t blow smoke up the Ass of The Almighty. From day one he’s been clear in his violations of God’s Word, and he’s put those violations squarely in God’s face. You usually don’t have to pray to me to get something done about a fellow like that. Normally God would just snuff them out in a boating accident, or if He’s feeling particularly vengeful, put them in a vegetative coma and plant phony seeds of hope in their parents.

But Obama is different. There’s something special about him, something God respects. I don’t know what it is, and I definitely don’t want to get rumors started about him, but I will say that the number of  likely candidates for the role of the Antichrist have diminished significantly as of late, and the odds of it being Obama are running astronomically high in Heaven at the moment. From what I understand the odds in Vegas have been steadily climbing as well. I’m not saying the man is the Antichrist, just that…well, that it has to be possible. Otherwise I’m sure God wouldn’t have needed me to even worry about fielding your prayers for his demise.

Of course that it not to say that you should stop performing imprecatory prayer at all, just that continued requests that Obama be needed more will be roundly rejected until God Himself says otherwise. There are still plenty of people among you who require either saving or killing, and we in Heaven largely rely on you to bring them to our attention. Just last week, for instance, I was notified of a young man in Oklahoma who was not only an atheist, but was spending a large part of his day openly mocking and criticizing the weakest and least-developed Christians he could find. I would have missed it entirely if one of his victims hadn’t prayed for the bloody and malicious death of the atheist bully in the midst of a particularly brutal taunting. Moses and I visited the freak later that evening and had a field day with his guts. For anyone who thinks imprecatory prayer doesn’t work, just ask the guy who couldn’t breathe last week because his diaphragm had just been stapled to the ceiling by his Lord and Savior when you get to Hell.

And before I conclude today I want to send a special shout out to Pastor Wiley Drake, who is leading a great many of you to learn more about imprecatory prayer with his public admissions of praying these requests to me about Barack Obama himself. And although Heaven is not prepared to move against Obama, I do want to recognize Pastor Drake’s work in the field of human-Jesus relations, as we certainly have seen the fruits of his labor in the form of imprecatory prayers against people other than Obama from people who might otherwise have never asked Heaven to perform such a killing.

In honor of Pastor Drake’s work, please take a moment to listen to him in this clip from Fox’s Alan Colmes Show on June 2 of this year.

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