God smites Italy. Finally.

Posted by Jesus on April 9, 2009

I’m sure by now everyone has had time to digest the news out of Italy. More than 250 dead, thousands injured, tens of thousands left homeless. It’s a grisly scene, and I say that from experience. I’ve been on the ground in L’Aquila for the past two days patching up souls and assessing the damage to statues of me in the area. God has really put it to them this time. So much for my Easter trip to the cabin in North Heaven.

The truth is that Italy has had it coming for some time now. God has been threatening to rattle them for several decades, as church attendance has fallen to abysmal levels across the country. It really is sad that people living so close to the Pope could somehow not blindly follow the faith emanating so beautifully and compassionately from Vatican City.

Of course the atheist advertisements on the sides of the busses contributed to His fury, though that alone didn’t set the Almighty off so vengefully. It wasn’t the riots by the youth either, though it is important to recognize the thousands of Italian young people who have protested in years past, and who will be going to Hell for it.

I think what finally sent Him over the edge is the surge of sex taking place in Italy. Ever since the Pope made his comments about condoms making the AIDS problem worse teenagers have been making a mockery of the Pope by having not only a great deal more sex, both protected and unprotected, but also by having kinkier, dirtier sex. In fact, what the news media isn’t telling you about this earthquake is that its epicenter was very close to a location where a pagan Easter celebration was to take place this weekend. For those of you unfamiliar with ancient pagan holidays, please come back on Friday, as I’ll be talking about how many of them you’re participating in at your church this weekend (and why you and your little children are going to burn for all eternity in Hell, cast forever from God’s gaze, for being evil denizens of Satan on Easter weekend).

As for Italy, the death toll will climb. And don’t count God out yet either. He might not be done with them just yet. My only hope is that those lucky enough to survive His wrath recognize a message when it’s sent to them and plant their butts in a church from here out. Well, they can skip Easter, but after this weekend we expect to see a whole new Italy.

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