God opens Heaven to fags!

Posted by Jesus on April 1, 2009

I never thought I would see the day. In a stunning reversal of His own eternal, unchanging, perfect Law, God decreed today that fags will have the same opportunity to reach Heaven as Christians! We’re still receiving all of the details, but essentially this means that merely being gay is no longer a singularly damnable offense. This signals a significant policy shift in Heaven, and is further evidence that a new, more liberal God is emerging.

Of course anal sex is still a sin, as is any sexual contact between members of the same sex, but actually being gay is now allowed. Fags still aren’t allowed to fantasize, dream, or visualize in any sexually-oriented manner, but then again neither is anyone else. Homosexuals having sex with anyone, man or woman, outside of wedlock is still a sin. Lust is a sin, improper touching is a sin, thinking about improper touching is a sin, thinking about lusting over an improper touch is a sin, and lusting over thoughts about any touch, proper or otherwise, is a sin.

The rules haven’t materially changed, except that now people who feel that they are predisposed to homosexual conduct can go to Heaven, provided that they marry someone of the opposite sex, never think about being a fag again, and have lots of normal, Christian children.

Yes, it’s a new day in Heaven. God can actually change!

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