George Tiller gets aborted

Posted by Jesus on June 1, 2009

Of course you’ve all heard the news by now, prominent baby killer George Tiller was late-late-term aborted by God yesterday in his home church in Kansas. George has been on God’s shitlist for a while now, being that killing babies is something He tends to frown upon. I’ve offered to take care of George personally several times over the years, but God always said He had something brewing. Yesterday we all got to see His handiwork. Between you and me, though, I’m not impressed.

You see, I’ve been involved in more than one divine killing, and I can tell you from personal experience that there are much better ways to handle monsters like George Tiller. What God chose to do is create a special, unique individual named Scott Roeder, place him lovingly in his mother’s womb, then see him personally through several decades of life specifically for the purpose of killing Tiller. It’s an intricate plan, sure, and one that only God can conceivably pull off, but it just lacks a certain degree of elegance that Moses and I usually obtain in our own retributive pursuits.

Take George Patterson, for example. In 1993 he was killed in his house in Alabama, but no one knows for sure whether it was because he was a professional baby killer or just a robbery gone wrong. People who believe in God know that nothing happens by “accident,” and that God has each and every second of each and every one of your lives planned out long before Earth even existed. It would be nothing for Him to send down a swarm of locusts or cause the earth to rise up and swallow George Tiller, but instead He groomed one of you to do the job for Him. There’s no mystery to it, no sense of divinity or largess. It was just God sending one of His many instruments to do a job, plain and simple. How boring.

What I would have done is snuck a small W.H.A.L.E. (Warriors Hardened Against Luciferian Elements) team into Teller’s house while he was at work murdering babies and laid a snare in place. When he arrived home we’d snatch him, wrap him up, and waterboard him until he recognized the error of his ways and repented for all of his many sins. We’d then have him write a long op-ed to the New York Times critical of abortion, then we’d send him into his own office loaded down with a couple of bricks of explosives, a short fuse, and a copy of the Old Testament. Now that’s a message.

I guess you can’t help marveling at it all, though. Scott Roeder is going to go on trial for his life, and in the end he’s going to get the same punishment I did. God is an awesome Father, and if there’s one manifestation of perfection I would ever want to call “Dad” it would be Him, but sometimes I just don’t understand why everyone who works directly for Him has to die at the hands of the State to get to Heaven. I guess that’s just part of His mystery. It’s His thing.

As to the fate of George, I shouldn’t have to tell you where he’s going to end up for all of eternity. And before you start in with that whole “but he was at church” drivel let me remind you that he was at church on the first day of the week, Sunday. Being that God commanded you specifically to honor and rest on the Seventh Day, which is Saturday, George was actually not “at church.” What George was doing, like so many of you, was ignoring God’s absolute Commandment on the matter in a building you constructed for the purpose of praising God incorrectly, which in practice is no different than denying His existence altogether. What’s shocking is not that God allowed George Tiller to be killed in a church, but that He hasn’t cut the whole lot of you make-believe Christians down for intentionally ignoring ten percent of His Commandments every Sunday.

That being said, those of you who attend church on Sunday will have plenty of time to talk to Tiller about his sins when you arrive in Hell. I doubt you’ll see him often, since this morning he secured a place among Satan’s senior staff as Chief Abortionist. If you’ve ever had children he’s certain to turn up at some point during your eternity in Hell and do some gruesome things to you and those around you, but I wouldn’t get too worked up about that. You’ll have plenty else to deal with, and an eternity to take it all in.

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