Eric Holder is going to Hell for hating America

Posted by Jesus on February 26, 2009

I think we all expected that at some point in the Obama Presidency the federal government would attempt to halt the sale of some guns to the general public. Ignoring the fact that this act is tantamount to treason and should see Barack Obama and Eric Holder, Obama’s Attorney General, tarred and feathered in the public square in Washington for even uttering such anti-American concepts, we in Heaven have our own grave concerns over Obama and Holder’s upcoming attempt to deprive good, Christian Americans the right to arm up against the impending double threats of Mexicans and muslims.

Assault rifles are the modern equivalent to the sword of yesterday. During the Crusades there were millions upon millions of muslims put down by the sword, never to rise and blaspheme again. The sword was a blessed and true instrument of God, and, wielded by the right Christian, could bring all sorts of justice to its various foes. No one at the time would ever have imagined instituting an Assault Sword Ban depriving the average Christian from owning a blade longer than twelve inches. To do so would have severely impacted the efficiency with which muslims were killed, and everyone at the time recognized that God wouldn’t have gone for that at all.

From the article:

“As President Obama indicated during the campaign, there are just a few gun-related changes that we would like to make, and among them would be to reinstitute the ban on the sale of assault weapons,” Holder told reporters.

Eric Holder apparently never got a copy of the “thou shalt not ban swords” memo. Entirely oblivious to the threat posed by even a few muslims and Mexicans living amongst you, Holder has instead decided to seek legal language that would make it a crime to arm yourself with the tools necessary to carry out God’s Divine Plan. By taking assault rifles away from individual Christians Eric Holder will irrevocably doom the entire population of  little girls to lives of horror. They will, due to this ban, eventually all be taken by your muslim invaders, who will otherwise march unburdened across your lands, pillaging your labor, burning God’s good works, and in the end carrying off all of your innocent little girls to California, where soon the leftist pro-muslim liberals will legalize non-consentual sodomy between followers of islam and any child they choose to own for fear of insulting the growing terrorist constituency.

It’s a slippery slope Holder is putting America on with this gun ban. It’s not where God wants you to go, and we all know how He reacts when you don’t pay attention to Him. Just look at Australia, for example. Their government just took a softer line on homosexuality, and what did they get for it? God burned a down a huge plot of countryside and killed a mess of Aussies. Apply that lesson to the home front. What do you think God’s punishment will be for allowing a muslim-living, left-wing nut hunk like Eric Holder to take your swords away from you?

Holder himself will face the worst of this. While Obama is immunized against damnation by virtue of a Holy Decree which brings all U.S. Presidents, regardless fo their affiliation or deeds, to Heaven upon their death, Holder is still bound by the laws of salvation. His acceptance to Heaven is based upon the degree to which he lives his life like I would live mine if I were in his shoes. In this case that means certain damnation for Holder. Obviously I would never seek to ban any device with anti-muslim qualities, and might even go so far, were I to somehow become Attorney General myself, as to mandate their ownership by every American over the age of four. You’re never too young to start training for the Crusade.

Upon arriving in Hell, Eric Holder will be strung up in the main square of Satan City and used as target practice for somewhere in the order of six hundred and fifty trillion years. Gun technology in Hell is, of course, far more advanced than that of Earth. Firearms produced in Hell are engineered to utilize inherent pressures caused by rotting fecal material, and launch highly-charged projectiles composed of pure fear at their target. They never miss, each wound becomes immediately and permanently infected, and worse still, each round lodges itself into a vital organ and begins attracting whatever manner of filth it can accumulate. These will become obscenely disgusting tumors in short order, and will not stop accumulating further foulness for the sum of all eternity. Eric will gain somewhere between fifty and a hundred pounds per year for each consecutive year for the whole of eternity, the majority of his eventual weight being comprised of poo and demon spooge.

After Holder’s initial six hundred and fifty trillion year welcome party Satan will cut him down and assign him permanently to one of several ghettos. It’s hard to say which one Holder will end up in, though there is a growing consensus that he’ll find himself in Durkadickistan, where he will likely be presented as one of 72 virgins to an arriving muslim.

And to add insult to injury, America is certain to undo Holder’s damage and retrieve her guns after his demise. Soon after his ban is enacted the scourge of Mexican and muslim aggression will compel America to revoke the law and continue doing God’s work. In the end all of Holder’s effort — which will eventually see him cast into Hell — will be for nothing.

You just have to love the irony in God’s Plan sometimes.

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