Brittany Murphy will join Buckley in Hell

Posted by Jesus on December 20, 2009

Like most good Christians I am a huge King of the Hill fan. In fact, if I weren’t the son of God and savior of mankind, I would undoubtedly live in Texas and sell propane and propane accessories. What I wouldn’t do, however, is allow a filthy, untalented, self-centered, idiot whorebag niece like Luanne to live with me, but then I suppose that’s what makes Hank Hill such a wonderful Christian and role model for so many. Anyway, the filthy, untalented, self-centered, idiot whorebag who voiced Luanne  – Brittany Murphy – is dead. It should come as no surprise that she’s going to Hell.

Now I know a lot of you are mad that God decided to off a movie star right before Christmas, but your opinions don’t count for shit. If you’re hopped up about what you think was my birthday, then there’s a pretty good chance you’re a complete and utter moron, and are unquestionably going to Hell yourself for celebrating the mish-mash of pagan rituals which make up the Christmas holiday. That you’re somehow idiot enough to attribute the holiday to me or my Dad only seals your fate. Maybe when you get to Hell you can look Brittany up and the two of you can spend an afternoon together watching the flesh bubble and melt off one another. It’ll be just like watching Girl, Interrupted.

Being both omniscient and heavily invested in King of the Hill, my immediate course of action was to look in on the production team to see how they’re going to handle the loss of such a mediocre voice acress. We all know that one could drop pretty much any female into any role Brittany ever played and get, at worst, twice the performance. The KoTH bosses don’t seem to be particularly worried about replacing her either. Last I checked they had a boil-ridden septuagenarian homeless man with half his jaw missing slated to be her replacement, so we fans are sure to finally see some great Luanne-heavy episodes coming up!

By now Brittany ought to be just getting settled into her new eternity in Hell. If I know Satan he’ll put her up in one of his most fetid trailer homes right near the center of tornado lane, and will spend the first six or eight thousand years of her stay packing her full of fecal-topped ice cream and spooge-filled twinkies. Once she’s hovering at around 600 pounds he’ll probably cast her in a few of his recruitment videos, which to be fair are not much better than 70’s-era art snuff films. Given her body of work thus far, however, I suspect that her upcoming role as fat, flesh-dripping, screaming, formerly untalented actress #3 will be her best work yet.

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