All Goldman Sachs employees are going to Hell!

Posted by Jesus on November 8, 2009

I know your economy sucks. I know a lot of your are losing your jobs, your houses, and even your ability to retire. But you’ve brought it on yourself, allowing gays to prance around openly and abortions to be made available on every street corner. Even in His wrath God still has a gift for you though. For their flagrant violation of Biblical Law, it has been decreed by God today that every single employee of Goldman Sachs is going to Hell!

To be honest I didn’t think it was going to happen. God’s so mad at all of you that He’s running your economy into the ground at a record pace, and He’s using Goldman Sachs to do most of the heavy lifting. Goldman Sachs has stolen so much money from the average American that it would make even a Roman Caesar blush, every cent of it allowed and put in motion by God. Until today it looked like God was going to give Goldman a pass on their sinning in the commission of His Will, but some statements made today by Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein pushed Him well over the edge.

From the article:

The chief executive of Goldman Sachs, which has attracted widespread media attention over the size of its staff bonuses, believes banks serve a social purpose and are doing “God’s work.”

Wait a minute. He thinks he’s doing God’s work?! Banks loan money out at a percentage, right? Is that not the absolute definition of usury? If so, would that not mean that he’s actually doing the exact opposite of God’s work, and might even need to be stoned for it? Let’s see what the Bible has to say about what banks do…

From the Bible:

If thou lend money to any of my people that is poor by thee, thou shalt not be to him as an usurer, neither shalt thou lay upon him usury. (Exodus 22:25)

And if thy brother be waxen poor, and fallen in decay with thee; then thou shalt relieve him: yea, though he be a stranger, or a sojourner; that he may live with thee. Take thou no usury of him, or increase: but fear thy God; that thy brother may live with thee. Thou shalt not give him thy money upon usury, nor lend him thy victuals for increase. (Leviticus 25:35-37)

He that by usury and unjust gain increaseth his substance, he shall gather it for him that will pity the poor. (Proverbs 28:8)

Hath given forth upon usury, and hath taken increase: shall he then live? he shall not live: he hath done all these abominations; he shall surely die; his blood shall be upon him.  (Ezekiel 18:13)

We’re really at a loss up here in Heaven as to what Lloyd could have meant when he suggested that he’s going God’s work. I’m particularly stumped, having once even kicked a bunch of people just like him out of a temple for money changing. You can’t believe that I lived a perfect life and then turn around and suggest that you’re doing God’s work when engaging in one of the very few activities I actually got violent about!

Even a casual reading of God’s Word should indicate that he’s actually doing exactly the opposite of what God has commanded, so in reality he and Goldman Sachs are doing Satan’s work. I know, I know, you’re all wondering how someone can be doing God’s work and Satan’s work at the same time. It’s complicated, but just realize that Goldman Sachs is doing God’s work in the same manner that the 19 hijackers on 9/11 were doing God’s work. They’re still all going straight to Hell for their deeds, but those very same deeds were put in motion by God. Isn’t He awesome?

More from the article:

He added that he understood, however, that people were angry with bankers’ actions: “I know I could slit my wrists and people would cheer.”

I just want to point out here that Lloyd Blankfein has stumbled onto an important point. The Bible demands that userers “shall not live,”  so any potential wrist-slitting he’s considering would be well in accordance with God’s demands. Moreover, all good Christians who truly believe in the Word of God have a responsibility to help him out with his slitting. It’s right up there with hating fags, not eating shellfish, and refusing to wear polyester.

Regardless of whether or not a good Christian soldier carries out God’s command against Mr. Blankfein, today’s proclamation ensures that when he does finally die he will be immediately delivered to Satan. This goes for every current, former, and future employee of Goldman Sachs as well. Don’t take that to mean that Goldman Sachs won’t continue stealing a gargantuan percentage or your personal income and savings in the near future, because they most certainly will. In that sense I guess they are actually doing God’s work. They’re just going to go to Hell for it later.

Related Posts

• The Damned
• Everyone at AIG is going to Hell
• Jesus answers your emails (part 7)
• All Samuel Adams employees are going to Heaven!
• Generation Y isn’t lazy, corporations just suck
• Somebody tried to scam Jesus!
• The Saved