5 reasons why God hates fags

Posted by Jesus on January 21, 2009

You know as well as I do that God considers gay people the most sinful, most dangerous, and most disgusting people on Earth. Every single person God puts in your society, with the single exception of fags, is born with a plan. Even those who kill whole families or microwave their babies have plans. Fags are the lone exception because they deny God with every thrust their filthy, hardened demands upon the pure, sweet loins of missionary-only America. Here are a few of the zillions and zillions of reasons that God hates fags.

5. They can’t have children. This one is pretty basic. You can’t get pregnant if you aren’t having sex the way that God intended for you to have sex. Which is, incidentally, why you also don’t get pregnant when having sex in any position other than missionary. If you’re not having children you’re not being fruitful, and if you’re not being fruitful you’re pissing God off. This is also why God has such a problem with anal sex even among heterosexual couples. If He had intended for you to stick it in your wife’s pooper He would have given her a second uterus up there.

4. They did not listen to Him when He gave them AIDS. We spent a lot of time coming up with AIDS, I’ll have you know. There were committee hearings, rigorous trials, academic publications, and costs associated with ramping up production. In the 1980’s our Strategic Planning Office on the Removal of Fags had to hire more than ten million temporary Angels to help pass the disease around, and even today we employ somewhere between three and four million contractors to keep AIDS alive and spreading. Even under the expert guidance of Jesse Helms it’s still not getting to fags that AIDS is God’s way of telling them to keep their johnsons out of John’s son.

3. They think too much. Gay people think that just because they have unnatural and filthy sex that they should also take up philosophy, history, law, and even film making.  Heaven sees this as an attempt to rationalize their behavior through misinformation and trickery, which of course is yet another sin to add to the list. Everybody knows that the Bible is extremely clear on homosexuality, and that no self-serving study of any material not fully supporting of the Bible’s position can possibly be right. Christians understand the value of keeping their minds simple and their imaginations closed. Fags don’t seem to have received that memo.

2. Gay is a gateway lifestyle. Why do you think that virtually every gay person on Earth is also a drug-addicted pedophile with a significant criminal record? Those who begin “experimenting” in college can expect to move on to hard acts like public group sodomy by the time they’re 30. Most middle-aged fags have huge collections of same-sex and beastiality kiddie-porn scattered around their computers too, which is why it’s so easy to lock them up in prison these days.

1. They smell like poo. There’s a very simple reason that God made your poo smell as bad as it does. He didn’t expect you to put things up there, and figured that a foul stench would be enough to keep you out. Of course that didn’t work out nearly so well as He’d planned, because you’ll stick anything in there anymore, even in completely heterosexual relationships. If there’s one thing that’s given God reason to reconsider the whole free will thing, it’s that a stunning percentage of you walk around in your daily lives with the smell of fresh poo clinging to you.

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