10 reasons Sarah Palin is going to Hell

Posted by Jesus on November 20, 2009

She’s been all over the news lately, has a new book out, might be running for President in 2012 and, according to God, is the single stupidest human being yet created. Sarah Palin, attention-whore, actual whore, and mother to a whore, is going to Hell. Here are ten reasons why, complete with scripture to back them up.

10. She doesn’t submit completely to Todd, her husband. The truth is that only Todd can decide when it’s appropriate for Sarah to become a mayor, join a Presidential ticket, have children, go to church, or write a book. Instead Todd was dragged along as Sarah set out to establish their places in Hell. A word to the wise here – when a couple falls into temptation, it’s always the woman’s fault

From the Bible:

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. (Ephesians 5:22-24)

9. She eats shellfish. This is one that we don’t cover nearly often enough here on OpenJesus.org. We all know that good Christians are supposed to hate fags, and many of you can even quote the necessary verses within Leviticus to sustain your justified hate (Leviticus 18:22 for those of you who need a refresher), but far too many of you don’t seem to understand that only a few chapters prior is a verse which demands that you refrain from eating shellfish completely as well. Sarah, who we all know claims to be a Christian, certainly has the fag-hating part down as well as anyone, but just can’t seem to wrap her head around the no-scales part of the Bible. Unfortunately hating fags alone isn’t enough for a ticket through the Gates, so Sarah will be enjoying an eternity’s worth of shrimp in the boiling cauldrons of Hell.

From the Bible:

And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you. (Leviticus 11:10)

8. She speaks. I know this one will tick a lot of women off, but you can’t all go around calling yourselves both Christians and equals. God never intended for women to be equal. He intended for women to be quiet and subservient. Sarah Palin, were she truly a Christian, would know this.

From the Bible:

Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. (1 Timothy 2:11-14)

7. She is a whore. From participating in beauty pageants (while dressed in revealing and scandalous swimsuits), to gracing the cover of Newsweek (while dressed in revealing and scandalous running attire), Sarah Palin has shown you all one thing very clearly – she is a filthy, nasty, habitual whore. She gobs on makeup, weighs herself down with jewelry, does her hair up, wears expensive and trendy glasses, and struts around in thousands of dollars worth of short, revealing skirts, all for one reason: these things make men love her. And just as Eve used her feminine wiles to lure Adam into eating the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden, Sarah Palin’s whoring is intended solely to drive as many men as possible to her overpowering and whorish clutch.

From the Bible:

In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works. (1 Timothy 2:9-10)

6. She maintains an unclean bed. It’s no secret that God doesn’t much care for women during their period. In fact, He hates them so much during their cycle that every single thing they touch, sit on, or lieth upon becomes instantly unclean, and anyone who touches that which an unclean woman has touched, sat on, or slept on also becomes unclean. Being a Christian means reading, comprehending, and following the Bible, which in this case means that Sarah Palin ought to be washing her sheets a lot more often. Her failure to do so is only one of the many, many reasons she is destined for eternity in Hell.

From the Bible:

And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even. (Leviticus 15:19-23)

5. She did not stone her children when appropriate. Of course we all know by now that Sarah Palin’s whore daughter Bristol was 17 and unmarried when she got pregnant. At the time Sarah was on the campaign trail, regularly invoking her status as a Christian to drive home her political message. Of course nothing would have been more appropriate at the time than dragging her unwed whore daughter to the town elders in Wasilla and ensuring that Bristol received the death by stoning that the Bible commands. Not only did Sarah utterly fail to carry out God’s demands, she actually supported her daughter during the ordeal, choosing to side with Satan instead.

From the Bible:

If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place; And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear. (Deuteronomy 21:18-21)

4. She steals. Remember the whole scrap with the wardrobe Sarah failed to return? Not only did she whore herself up in the many garments (most of which were woven of multiple materials, which of course we all know to be yet another sin), but in refusing to return the clothes Sarah violated the 8th Commandment, which is clearly an egregious sin against God.

From the Bible:

Thou shalt not steal. (Exodus 20:15)

3. She lies. Anyone who has read her recent book knows that it is absolute fabrication on many, many counts. From her characterization of her treatment by the media to her decision to go on SNL, her relationship with handlers, her decision to resign as governor of Alaska, and much more, Sarah has spun a web of lies the likes of which God Himself has never seen. In fact, Sarah Palin has told so many lies in such rapid succession these past few years that she is now wholly incapable of discerning her own fantasy from reality. Unfortunately for her, reality dictates that people who lie go to Hell.

From the Bible:

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. (Exodus 20:16)

2. She does not remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. This is, of course, the easiest of all God’s laws to maintain. Since we all agree that Sunday is the first day of the week (look at a calendar if you need proof), then the Seventh Day – or Saturday – ought to be taken completely off. For Sarah this would be a good time to read up and correct her vast lack of knowledge about God and His Word. Instead, however, she campaigns, handles family and personal business, and goes about her whoring, lying, stealing, non-silent ways. Unfortunately for her, this can only lead to one thing – eternal damnation to Hell.

From the Bible:

Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. (Exodus 20:8)

1. She is lukewarm. One of the worst things a person can do is claim to be a Christian, then live a life that in no way follows the tenets of Christianity. Virtually every single Christian alive today, Sarah Palin included, lives in this manner. To claim to be in-step with God while lying, stealing, raising whore children, being a whore herself, refusing to submit to her husband, maintaining an unclean bed, and committing many further affronts unto God is, in itself, the single worst sin Sarah Palin can commit. Because she is lukewarm – neither hot nor cold – she has literally zero chance of making it to Heaven upon her death. Don’t take my word for it though, the Bible says it best.

From the Bible:

I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot. So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth. (Revelation 3:15-16)

By now I shouldn’t have to generate a list of reasons Sarah Palin is destined to spend an eternity in Hell, but with so many idiots and heathens hanging on her every word I feel it necessary to remind you all now and again that she is largely without peer in sheer profundity of sin. Moreover, she is utterly beyond comparison in terms of outright stupidity and, as I’ve pointed out before, is an unmitigated moron.

In fact, I actually feel sorry for the people of Hell that Sarah’s going to join them there. Better them than us though.

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