10 problems condoms make worse

Posted by Jesus on March 22, 2009

I’ve been receiving a lot of prayers about the Pope’s recent comments in Africa about condom use there making the AIDS problem worse. I wish I could claim that all good Christians know that condoms are completely and unequivocally against God’s Holy Law and that their use is strictly forbidden under penalty of His wrath, but the conversations I’ve had with all of you in the past few days have proven otherwise. As a result, Moses and I spent the non-Sabbath portion of the weekend compiling a list of literally each and every one of the 36,913,230,003 things that could be made worse, besides AIDS,  through the use of a condom. As usual, God made us cut it down to 10.

10. Stupid children. When a man spills his seed needlessly it dilutes his store, thus rendering future ejaculations less potent than they would be otherwise. Have you ever actually sat and spoken with a child whose parents used condoms? They’re virtually brain-dead. There’s a reason for that, too. When you refuse to pay heed to God’s law, you pay a penalty. Your idiot children are as much God’s punishment to you for using condoms as they are a natural byproduct of your throwing your genetic material in the toilet every time you’re done nailing some whore. Not surprisingly, most of you seem to think that stupid children are actually the byproduct of not enough condom usage as opposed to too much of it, which is, of course, because you are also probably the byproduct of parents who defied God.

9. Whores. The whoring industry used to have a natural check in place which regulated the lifespan and availability of those who chose such a sinful and damnable career. A whore could sleep with men for no more than a few months before being rendered useless with a child, and after a handful of births very few whores maintained the physique necessary to please a man, and thus left the industry. Today whores and porn stars account for well over half of the condom sales in the world, which means that whores are one of the most significant problems made worse by condoms.

8. Impotence. The absolute best sex on the planet is that had by fundamentalist Christian couples. It is, of course, missionary-only, and it its primary purpose is to create a child. Because it is the only sex that is not sinful, it is also the only sex God allows to be truly enjoyable. It’s the hottest half-hour in American bedrooms, which is about twenty-six minutes longer than the average condom user can go due to the almost universal affliction of impotence caused by the restriction the unnatural condom causes to both the male sex organ and the human soul.

7. Venereal diseases. Of course the Pope already explained that AIDS would only get worse through the use of condoms, but what you probably haven’t heard is that cases of diseases such as chlamydia and hepatitis are also increasing significantly within the condom-wearing community. The reason for this is, of course, God. Every single case of nut scratch fever or baited clam since the dawn of mankind has been some form of Holy punishment or another, and if there’s one thing you can’t stop God from doing with a little piece of rubber it’s fiddling around with your naughty bits.

6. Poverty. Have you looked at Africa lately? It has clearly been visited by God’s wrath in the recent past, a large part of which has been caused by the continuing use of condoms. If Africans would just stop using condoms God would probably let them eat a little more. You don’t have to be the Pope to know that only God can make it rain.

5. Acne. You can always tell the whores by the giant pimples spread over their bodies and the family-size boxes of Trojan Magnums in their purses. God planned it that way. Masturbators and fags can often be confused with condom-users, as they too are regularly stricken with terrible acne. A devout Christian can tell the difference by examining the pattern of pimple scars on the sinner’s back.

4. Cancer. Although God is more prone to strike condom users with AIDS these days, one of His favorite forms of punishment in years past was incurable testicular cancer. Those who have already been punished by God with the any form of cancer can expect to have their disease get increasingly worse with each use of a condom.

3. Anal sex. Let’s face it, condom users are statistically far more likely to engage in the damnable sin of anal sex than non-sinners. God made the anus to be a pretty foul place in which no reasonable person would place their penis, but He never anticipated your simply covering your member and plowing ahead anyway. Add to that the fact that virtually all condoms now come pre-loaded with slick lubricants perfect for penetrating any orifice and you’ve got the makings of a really serious sin. Condom use not only leads to more anal sex, but their widespread availability is the primary fuel for the modern renaissance in homosexuality. Anal sex is clearly one of the paramount problem made worse by condoms.

2. Jenna Bush. I remember Jenna as a little girl, back when she used to love me. Now she promotes Satan’s agenda, most specifically the use of condoms as a birth-control tool. She was so sweet when she was young, but then that boy in Texas introduced her to condoms in a deer blind on that cold October morning and she’s been on a downhill slide towards complete liberalism since. She even tolerates homosexuality now. All because of one oversized french tickler and a bottle of Astroglide.

1. Hell. Let’s face it, getting to Heaven is not easy under the best of circumstances. You’ve got to grow your hair long, tithe without question, and somehow stone your children while still finding the time and mercy to indoctrinate enough of them to ensure that God is pleased with your procreation efforts. Most of you are too far gone to have a chance at Heaven by the time you reach puberty, but every once in a while I have a damnation come across my desk caused directly by the use of a condom. Sometimes it’s a married couple who choose to defy God by avoiding pregnancy, other times it’s an otherwise pious teenager who has been indoctrinated by the media to believe the condom hype. Occasionally it’s a Catholic priest. It’s always sad, though, and could have easily been avoided by simply not using condoms.

Related Posts

• Jenna Bush is going to Hell
• Religious defamation is a thing of the past!
• You’re welcome
• God smites Italy. Finally.
• The Link
• A new superbug
• Abstinence must work