Your Voice, Your Vote, God’s Wrath

Posted by Jesus on February 6, 2008

In the Old Testament God punished those who went against His will in a variety of ways, some of the more notable being fire from the sky and cities being turned into salt. His wrath has become more refined over time, and today He rarely calls forth the ground to swallow hippies or flying serpents of fire to devour nonbelievers. Instead, He relies on seemingly natural occurrences such as tornadoes, hurricanes, and heavy aircraft piloted by muslims. Just yesterday, for example, God killed a whole bunch of you across several states on Super Tuesday in retaliation against your overall voting preferences with a seemingly natural chain of tornadoes.

Arkansas, Tennessee, Alabama, and Kentucky are more often than not spared from such wrath, mostly due to the overall compliance to God’s wishes from the majority of the population. You see, these southern states are largely made up of pseudo-Christians, people who identify and make veiled attempts to follow God’s law without actually doing most of what He has commanded. They do not stone children, grow their hair, spurn those wounded in the stones, or consider menstruating women unclean, but what they lack in conviction they make up for in dedication to their few key issues. Residents of these states hate fags with a burning passion, demand that only abstinence be taught in schools, and generally still believe in the thoroughly Christian concept of human slavery. Ordinarily that would be enough to spare them from such ordeals as they faced yesterday, but God wanted to send a message to people out there voting for Hillary before all of the polls closed.

From the article:

The storms ripped apart homes and a shopping mall, and trapped residents of university dorms and a retirement home in debris.

The trail of death stretched across four states, with four people killed in Alabama, 13 in Arkansas, seven in Kentucky, and 24 in Tennessee.

Arkansas and Tennessee should come as no surprise; both states went for Hillary. Need I remind you that she is one of the few candidates left for the position of Antichrist? Also note that university dorms were among the hardest hit, proving once and for all God’s opinion about the typical college favorite Barack Hussein Obama.

Listen, I’m not going to tell you who to vote for, just as I’m not going to tell you who to marry or how to stone your children. The point of free will is that you’re allowed to make your own decisions in your life, which is to say that the decisions you make were preordained by God regardless of whether they were good or bad, so in essence you really don’t have a say in whether or not you make it to Heaven (just so you know, you’re not going to Heaven). Still, it’s important to think about why you cast your vote for a particular candidate. Not for the future of your country, because that too is preordained by God, and not for the welfare of your community, because again that’s all up to God, but for the ramifications from God Himself as a result of your vote, which again is not so much yours as God’s Will being done through your predetermined free will, which if against God’s Will is notable a part of God’s Will so long as He determined your actions, which He did. So you see, who God makes you vote for can really impact the wrath you draw down from Him. That’s why you need to give your heart to Him, which of course is His decision too.

Your best bet is really just to stay home, which again would have been set in motion by God before your earliest relatives were even conceived, so again the choice really wouldn’t have been yours. Staying home would have kept many of the victims from being run down by God’s wrath in tornado form, unless of course they live in a trailer home, at which point God’s sense of ironic humor would probably have struck again. We’ve told Him time and time again that the whole trailer park versus tornado thing is played out, but He gets a laugh out of it, and in the end that’s all that matters.

The elections aren’t really going to matter. Good Christians are urged by me, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, to stay home and ignore the political ruminations of your nation. I personally am a huge American Idol fan, and I urge all moral and just Christians to stay home and cast their votes for the most overtly Christian contestant on the only truly important race in the nation, who will become the next Idol! Who becomes President of the United States is ultimately my Dad’s decision, and if the whispers I hear from His office at night are any indication of His intentions, I’d say you’re looking at unprecedented third terms for the great and honorable George Bush and Dick Cheney. I think it has something to do with the fact that none of the current candidates can actually talk to Him like George can.

So there it is. If you don’t want to be sucked up by a tornado, just recuse yourself from your supposed obligation to vote. God has this one under control. He doesn’t need you out there thumbing your nose at Him by picking Hillary or her muslim counterpart.

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