You’ll be monitored and you’ll like it

Posted by Jesus on January 11, 2008

I’m getting an increasing number of prayers from people complaining about things such as warrantless wiretaps and the national ID card the Department of Homeland Security is pushing. Somehow a bunch of you folks have got it in your heads that I want you to be free and individualistic in your pursuits instead of watched and scrutinized at every turn. I don’t see how, though. Why would I want your government to leave you alone when your entire religious background is based on your being watched every second of every day by God? God is good, right? So it stands to reason that if you have a government which examines your lives in-depth, they can also be good!

If I were the Son of a God who believed that individuals should have privacy and freedom then I might also be angered by such developments. I’m not though. I’m the Son of God, who believes in watching and judging you. As Christians you love to submit to surveillance by God. Ask you to extend that same allowance to your federal government, though, and you get all militant. It’s like some of you don’t even believe in the Christian concept of overt monitoring anymore.

The Real ID so many of you seem to dislike should really be renamed to something more fitting, like the Jesus Card! When your state issues you a Jesus Card it means that the federal government, which is clearly an extension of the Hand of God, can watch your lives and judge you accordingly. If you’re not doing anything wrong then you won’t have anything to fear, right?

Illegal immigrants, terrorists, muslims, and other second-class people will not be eligible for the Jesus Card, and will find it difficult to enter the United States (which, if we’re renaming things, should be called Jesusland from now on). The whole thing works almost exactly like Christianity. With a Jesus Card you become eligible for services such as public transit, airline travel, paying taxes, being protected from attacks, and other wonderful amenities. It’s not unlike being a Christian, which grants you the ability to call on your Lord for help and comfort when things are bad. Those who do not know God cannot receive His blessings, just as those who do not carry a Jesus Card cannot receive the blessings of Jesusland. Pretty simple, right?

Your federal government is in place to judge and punish those of you who do not live up to your expectations as outlined in the billion-plus lines of law produced since your nation was founded. Being monitored for violations of this law is important because you’d get away with a lot of trivial things and would never receive proper punishment for your transgressions if you were not. Think about what would happen if some fringe group like the ACLU sued God over His constant monitoring of your lives. Could you imagine living in a Heaven populated by adulterers and baby-killers just because God was blocked from catching them in the act by a lawsuit filed by a few people who are embarrassed by their taste in porn?

Your nation needs information about all of you to form a more reasonable picture of your lives so that you can be properly judged, just as God needs to watch you all the time so that He can determine your eligibility for Heaven. Those of you who are against this kind of operation are also against God, and that means you’re going to Hell, which I would think also makes it more necessary for your own government to monitor you. People who don’t have a clear connection with God don’t generally have any sort of morals either, which makes them more likely to become terrorists, child molesters, or even gay. Just ask any atheist where they stand on the issue and you’ll see what I mean. Some people need to be watched.

In short, don’t come whining to me about national ID cards or torture or wiretaps or the suspension of habeas corpus. You’ve been living without these things for several thousand years under the watchful eyes of God and myself, and there’s no reason to believe that your government won’t treat you with the same degree of respect as we have if you’ll just cooperate. As long as you’ve earned it, I mean. Otherwise, well, you’ll get what’s coming to you, especially now that you’re being properly observed.

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