You are (mostly) all going to Hell

Posted by Jesus on November 17, 2008

It’s always fun after you’ve been saying something over and over and over for a while for a really well-done report or study to come out confirming the things you’ve been saying all along. Like when you found the link between Al-Qaeda and Iraq, or that all muslims supported 9/11, or learned only after allowing gay marriage that all of your worst fears about its impact were absolutely true. Today I’m talking about a study conducted by Barna Research Group that shows that only 4% of you are going to Heaven. Vindication, she is mine!

If you’ve been reading here for any period of time you know that I’ve consistently maintained that very few of you are going to actually see Heaven. In fact, the number is quite below 4%, but because I don’t want to get you too bothered about the almost certain eternity you and everyone you’ve ever loved will spend in the worst possible place imaginable by the worst minds ever to revolt in pure and unadulterated evil against the white light of God can possibly build given unlimited time, labor, and resources won’t actually tell you the real percentage. Needless to say, a significant majority of you will likely experience the usual “welcome to Hell” parade, which runs around Hell City twice before marching up your ass in its entirety (yes, with a band and horses and clowns and little twirling stick throwing girls), around your guts for a while, then back out and around town once again. You only have to go through that once, though, and for that reason it will probably be your favorite part of your eternity in Hell.

From the article:

Barna’s survey also connected an individual’s worldview with his or her moral beliefs and actions. Barna says, “Although most people own a Bible and know some of its content, our research found that most Americans have little idea how to integrate core biblical principles to form a unified and meaningful response to the challenges and opportunities of life.”

It’s like I’ve been saying all along. You’re really doing well on some things, like hating gay people and killing people who don’t believe in my Dad who live halfway around the world, but in some things you’re just way off. You know, little things. Haircuts, stoning your children, ostracizing people who have problems with their gonads, killing your own heathen family members, birth control…your typical complete and utter dedication to the entirety of the written Word of God.

More from the article:

A biblical worldview is based on the infallible Word of God. When you believe the Bible is entirely true, then you allow it to be the foundation of everything you say and do. That means, for instance, you take seriously the mandate in Romans 13 to honor the governing authorities by researching the candidates and issues, making voting a priority.

Exactly. And you would also take seriously the mandate in Deuteronomy 21:18-21 to stone your rebellious son in front of the Mayor. Or 1 Corinthians 14:34 and shut your women up. Or Mark 9:43 and lop your hands off if they brushed against a woman other than your wife. You would understand that the unchanging Word of God is true in Ephesians 6:5, Colossians 3:22, Titus 2:9, and 1 Peter 2:18 and would allow the taking of slaves in your society. The list just goes on. Donkeys, whores, etc.

More from the article:

Because we live in a selfish, fallen world, these ideas seductively appeal to the desires of our flesh, and we often end up incorporating them into our personal worldview. Sadly, we often do this without even knowing it.

For example, most Christians would agree with 1 Thessalonians 4:3 and other Scriptures that command us to avoid sexual immorality, but how often do Christians fall into lust or premarital and extramarital sexual sin? Is it simply because they are weak when tempted, or did it begin much earlier, with the seductive lies from our sexualized society?

Exactly! Or how many times have you worn cotton and polyester together, an obvious sin according to Leviticus 19:19. Or decided against killing your muslim or atheist cousin as expected by Deuteronomy 13:6-10? How many of you get haircuts, a sin against God according to Leviticus 19:27? It’s just so easy to fall into Satan’s traps in your heathen society today. What would really help is if you could roll the laws back, say to around 1550AD. Now that was a time to be around. Lots of people from that time frame live up here, though most of them settle in the outlying farmland. They’re just not very social people, you know?

Still, it’s heartening to see such great research being done in the field of damnation studies. Getting an accurate count on the number of condemned is never easy, and detractors will point to the obvious position that it is much easier to count the number of people who are actually not going to be damned. It’s still important work, and it’s good to know that I can now back up my continued suggestions that the vast majority of you are going to Hell with actual numbers produced by an independent and completely unbiased cultural researcher.