Why Scientology Must Die

Posted by Jesus on January 25, 2008

There are few things I hate more than false idols. Fags, child molesters, muslims, and members of the ACLU all rank up there among the worst people your society produces, but even they don’t evoke the deep hatred and wrath-bringing associated with one who would worship something so obviously flawed as a god who isn’t God. Even so, there are degrees of false idol worship which go well beyond your typical golden calf or fat, rich, meditative leader. In America, and indeed around the world, there are people who are more twisted in their beliefs than even the muslims with their idiotic false prophet Mohammad and the wiccans with their love of earth and wind. These people are scientologists, and they are the single most damned group of people the world may ever know.

Scientologists do not exercise intelligence or reason, and base their entire belief structure on the teachings of a single book, much of which has been either completely disproved or is so farfetched that any rational person would be utterly foolish to pay it any degree of respect. In order to ascend to higher positions within the structure of scientology one must make financial contributions to the establishment and undergo a strict training program. That an organization would place so much emphasis on something which can be so easily contradicted, and further that the same organization would require financial compensation for spreading such a ridiculous notion is beyond lunacy. Those who practice scientology are not only worshiping a false idol, they are outright morons for being taken in by such a clearly unchristian message.

To break it down for you, scientologists believe that an evil alien named Xenu froze a bunch of people and brought them to Earth. He placed their paralyzed bodies around a volcano and detonated a huge nuclear bomb inside the mountain, killing everyone. Their spirits supposedly still live on Earth, and it is the task of scientology to help individuals break free from these spirits which would otherwise threaten a person with negative energy. Oh, and you have to cough up a chunk of cash to be truly free. There’s no such thing as charity in scientology.

Now compare that with my own life. I was born to a virgin mother, performed miracles throughout my life, was killed by the Roman empire to fulfill a prophesy of salvation, then rose after three days to float to Heaven and start this blog. And I did all of that for free. No thetans, no deposit account needed to ascend (though it certainly does help), and no evil lord Xenu. Now do you see how crazy scientology is?

Scientologists themselves are even worse than the “religion” they follow. Most of them have herpes, a gift God bestowed upon them for even thinking about visiting a scientology center, and many of them have far worse even than that. Present estimates suggest that well over thirty percent of all scientologists are AIDS-carrying pedophiles, and upwards of eighty percent have regular sex with farm animals. Scientologists are responsible for more car accidents and workplace injuries per capita than any other group, a fact attributable to their colossal lack of basic intelligence. The vast majority of them are broke, a condition caused jointly by their “church” demanding so much money and their complete inability to function normally within the construct of a currency-based society. Put bluntly, scientologists are quite simply the stupidest, most useless, and least productive group of people the world has ever known. And every single one of them, from L. Ron Hubbard to Tom Cruise, Jason Lee to Beck, and even Greta Van Susteren are all going to Hell, where Satan has a very special place set aside for them. More on that later.

There has been a recent push against scientology by many on the Internet, and I’d like everyone to understand that God Himself is behind you all in these attacks. Scientology is a cult, and must be dealt with in the most fitting manner available. If it were at all possible to fill their many buildings with gas and set every scientologist alive on fire simultaneously, God would absolutely stand behind that action. Unfortunately the ATF is currently busy with other projects, so the task of bringing scientology down falls on good, honest Christians like you, my loyal readers. It is you who must mock, sue, and harass scientologists. It is you who must attend their meetings with the sole intention of causing a ruckus. It falls upon you to release their private documents, videos, and brainwashing techniques to the rest of the world, if for no other reason than to clarify exactly how stupid someone has to be to actually live their life as a scientologist. And finally, it falls upon you to withstand the threats on your lives and livelihoods which will undoubtedly be leveled by the scientology machine as you fight the good fight. They will not go down easily, and they will almost certainly take a great many of you with them, but know that your own ascension to Heaven is a little more likely if you have some impact in the fight against these false idolaters. Not that your fight will be particularly hard, mind you; remember that you are dealing with people who believe in an evil, nuke-packing alien dreamed up by a science fiction writer. In truth, fighting scientologists poses only a slightly greater challenge than armed combat against a pack of girl scouts.

Eventually every scientologist dies, either through natural causes or complete stupidity. Nine out of ten of them don’t make it to the age of fifty, offing themselves in spectacularly moronic fashion long before their “church” can take all of their money. It is of course a point of fact that every scientologist goes directly to Hell. Once there, Satan has them all covered in little demon spirits which cling to their bodies and drain them of everything that they are, and the only way to get rid of them is to answer basic trivia questions. From what I understand only one of them has ever gotten a single question right. Xenu, who is indeed real and is in fact an agent of Satan, plays host to this eternal game. Should one of the scientologists ever manage to correctly answer the necessary 666,000,000 questions in a row, they will ascend to the next level of thetan Hell, where Satan will demand that they sit completely motionless in a dark room for a thousand years while listening to John Travolta lecture them on the proper role of homosexual bush pilots in developing countries. Should they successfully complete that trial, they will ultimately be forced to marry and spawn children with Tom Cruise, the ultimate form of eternal punishment. Only one has ever reached this plane.

Very few among you choose to be scientologists, which is a positive indication that not all of you have become apathetic reality TV drones. There is hope for those of you who do not worship false idols or follow false religions, and that hope is me, Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Only by living a life absolutely consumed with doing those same things that I might do if I were there can you reap the rewards of Christianity and join me in God’s private jungle on Lake Heaven City. Scientologists and muslims need not apply.

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