Why John McCain must win

Posted by Jesus on September 26, 2008

Can you believe that it has been almost two months since last we spoke? I haven’t intervened in any lives, answered any prayers, or even been made aware of any of your problems since early August. The McCain campaign has me and my entire staff running ragged lately, and God has made it clear that his needs come first. Don’t ask me why Dad has chosen an old warrior suffering from dementia to lead His cause, or why He would allow a woman to sit on the ticket with him; I don’t have the clearance to know the answer to that. Just know that it’s nothing short of a full-time job keeping John sane enough to stand up for you, and that he wouldn’t be where he is if God didn’t want it like this.

Let me tell you though, living on the road with John McCain is no picnic. I’ve been through some tough stuff before, what with the whole crown of thorns and whippings and being crucified, but nothing I have ever done in my entire timeless existence has prepared me for my role on the John McCain campaign. The square-jawed, tough-talking, fistacuff-throwing strongman you see on the road is but the physical manifestation of the entirety of my miracle arsenal. He is, in short, being kept animated by divine intervention alone. Without me John McCain sounds like Dennis Kucinich on really bad acid.

Meanwhile your economy is collapsing, a whole bunch of you are losing your jobs, your wars are unraveling, and church attendance is down. As individual Christians you are unable to contact your savior, and so you have no support in the wicked world. Even George Bush, your most stalwart attendant, is in the process of being fleeced by the money men without my daily influence in his life. My absence is having a terrible impact on your world, but God insists that I continue following John around instead of intervening in your lives. I don’t like it any more than you do, but it’s how He wants it.

As you’ve probably heard, the McCain/Palin campaign has been suspended this week, which has given me a little time to get some work done around the fringes. Of course the truth of the matter is that the campaign has not in any manner been slowed, but if Dad gives me any crap I’ll just play dumb again, like with that whole getting caught with Mary Mags in the grotto that afternoon. I’ve got time for a few miracles before tonight’s debate, so don’t be surprised if some of your prayers get answered today. I’ve also finally talked John into getting me my own Blackberry (you know he holds the patents on those things or something, right?), so hopefully I’ll get to do more updates in the near future. Heaven knows I have some things to say about Sarah Palin, her having a vagina and therefore being unfit in the eyes of the Lord to speak in public or hold positions of leadership being only the beginning.

I guess the long and short of it is this: don’t bother praying until after the election, because it’s going to take everything Heaven can muster between now and then to keep McCain from crapping his pants and picking his nose in front of the press. And we thought managing Bush was tough. I’ll tell you one thing, McCain must win this election for my effort to be worth it. I’m not going to be happy with Dad if He has me busting my hump day in and day out to get this man elected, only to find out in November that His plan was to put Barrack Hussein Obama in office all along. I’ve been through the whole “oh, by the way” thing once with Him, and it wasn’t cool the first time either.