Why celebrating Good Friday/Easter pisses Jesus off

Posted by Jesus on March 21, 2008

Today is Good Friday in the United States, and many people are taking off of work, spending all day at church reflecting, or just taking a moment during their day to think about me and my suffering. As has become the norm here on openjesus.org, on this religious holiday I’m going to tell you why each and every one of you out there celebrating Good Friday and/or Easter is committing an offense unto God, and will therefore be going directly to Hell upon your death.

You see, God’s worship expectations are very clear. You are to praise Him exactly as He specifies on exactly the days that He designates, and no more. You are not to make up holidays, particularly when those holidays are largely based on pagan rituals. The Catholic Church has a bad habit of adopting such rituals and rebranding them in order to draw more followers. That is why no Catholics, other than the Popes themselves, have ever made it to Heaven, and likely never will.

Let’s look at Easter though. Most Christians will tell you that Easter is a celebration of my resurrection, and that Good Friday is a day to reflect and pray as a remembrance of my suffering on the cross. Neither of these are true, however.

Easter is derived from the name Eostre, who was a goddess with an annual spring festival held in her honor. With plants budding, animals mating, and the sun growing more intense, people saw this festival as one of renewal and fertility and acted accordingly. And how does one worship a goddess of love and fertility? With gross immorality, of course!

And what of the symbols commonly associated with Easter? Rabbits and eggs are the two most common, and one must only consider them in the light of the pagan festivities to understand why. Rabbits are a symbol of reproduction, as are eggs! In modern society you’ve somehow come to the conclusion that the pagan rabbits actually lay the evil eggs, but for some odd reason you still find it in yourself to worship them both. Pagans used both the rabbit and the eggs in their spring rituals long before I was even born! Heck, the coloring of the eggs actually came from the Egyptians, who worshiped, of all things, the sun itself!

Speaking of which, how many of you “Christians” expect to attend a sunrise service? First off, Scripture tells you that worshiping any heavenly bodies is an affront to God (2 Kings 23:5), and more importantly, any such sunrise service is also disallowed (Ezekiel 8:15-18). It shouldn’t surprise you to learn that sunrise services held even today are directly drawn from the same pagan rituals which gave you the rabbit and egg.

By this point you should be utterly unsurprised to learn that celebrating Good Friday will also get you damned to Hell. Given the blatant ignorance most of my followers tend to inspire, however, it’s unlikely that any of you really know why. It’s really quite simple. If I were crucified in the afternoon on Good Friday and rose three days and three nights later, then why aren’t you celebrating Easter on Monday afternoon as opposed to Sunday? You simply can’t hold a story of three days and three nights as an absolute truth, then celebrate as a cornerstone of your religious ceremonies a mere two-day break instead.

Technically, you couldn’t even celebrate it even if you did wait the full three days and nights. God never sanctioned a special worship at Easter. That was put together and is still maintained by the Church, who drew the symbols and rites from pagans and unbelievers brought into the flock through negotiation and rule-bending. Your preacher is probably going to burn for all eternity in the scalding pit of Hell for not teaching you better, and you’re almost certainly going to be right there next to him, cursing his name for not having known and instructed you in the true ways of God. Seriously, what part of “don’t worship false idols” don’t you people understand?

Even for as poorly educated in your own religion as you are, and for as likely as you all are to spend eternity in Hell, there are actually people who are worse than you. In the Philippines many people celebrate Good Friday by being crucified themselves, or by walking down the road in crowns of thorns whipping themselves. Of course the Catholic Church is against this act, but give them a couple of decades and you’re likely to see it made mainstream, as we all know how much the Church just loves to adopt anti-God rites. Right about the time you see the Pope getting nailed to a cross, you’ll know the apocalypse is imminent.

In summary, you’re all a bunch of sinners who don’t know the first thing about the history or makings of the religion you claim to know and follow, and as a result you and everyone you love will die and spend eternity in the most horrible place you can possibly imagine. Maybe next time you set out to worship me you’ll do so in a manner which is consistent with the Bible, and not by using rites established by pagans long before I was even born.

Happy Easter, sinners.

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