Who Would Jesus Waterboard?

Posted by Jesus on February 7, 2008

The world today is more dangerous than it has ever been and will ever be again. Muslim extremists have declared a jihad on freedom and democracy, and count among their tactics the videotaped beheading of innocent Americans and suicide bombs in crowded markets. The same people who rammed planes into your buildings in 2001 are planning new and more vicious attacks, and it is the responsibility of your government to ensure that their plans are laid bare through whatever means necessary. It should come as no surprise to anyone that occasionally that means a muslim somewhere is going to get tortured. Today I want to talk about why that is okay.

Earlier this week the United States government admitted to having waterboarded three terrorists, but insists that waterboarding does not meet the definition of torture. In 1946, however, the United States saw several Japanese soldiers sentenced to 15 years hard labor for doing the same to American prisoners of war, at that time arguing that the act was indeed a form of torture. Many who oppose the treatment of muslim detainees by the United States point to this fact, suggesting that there exists a double-standard and that all cases of torture should be viewed as war crimes. The failure of their argument is obvious. In WW2, when U.S. soldiers were being tortured, it was the bad guys torturing the good guys. Today, it is the good guys torturing muslims, and that’s what makes it acceptable.

From the article:

The White House on Wednesday defended the use of the interrogation technique known as waterboarding, saying it is legal - not torture as critics argue - and has saved American lives.

I still don’t understand why your federal government continues to insist that waterboarding is not a form of torture, because it absolutely and indisputably is just that. Instead of denying the obvious, your government should be rightfully making the case that waterboarding and other harsh techniques are fully justified, a position I believe every good Christian would stand behind. If it has saved American lives, then it has almost certainly saved Christian lives, which means it’s acceptable to God. If it is acceptable to God, what man-made law or convention can stand in the way?

More from the article:

Waterboarding involves strapping a suspect down and pouring water over his cloth-covered face to create the sensation of drowning. It has been traced back hundreds of years, to the Spanish Inquisition, and is condemned by nations around the world.

Look at that, the Spanish Inquisition. For those of you stunted in history, the Spanish Inquisition was a program which saw one of the largest mass conversions to Christianity in the history of the world. Sometimes those conducting the conversions had to resort to tough techniques, but how can one argue that such techniques weren’t warranted then as well?

Let’s pretend for a minute that you’re an atheist, and you get picked up by a group of people working for the Pope. They drive you to a secret dungeon, strap you down, and cause you to fear for your very life. In those moments, deep within a chamber resonating with the screams of your fellow man, on the verge of death, you are given the gift of understanding. You come to realize that you might die at any moment, perhaps even at that very moment with a rag on your head and water flowing through your nasal passage, and you accept God. To die without Him is to assure your own eternity in Hell, and if torture is what it takes to make you see that, then you should stand up and thank your torturers, because they have freed you from such eternal torment.

What your government does is quite similar. They capture muslims who believe in a false prophet and who are willing to kill Christians because of their own irrational beliefs, and through strict techniques are able to convince the would-be murderers that blowing up good, honest Christians will see them damned to Hell. Most muslims who undergo waterboarding accept the true God, my Dad, during the process. Were your government to release them, these once-dangerous men would most likely start a puppy farm and bring joy to little girls for the duration of their devout and Christ-filled lives.

So you see it is not simply a question about whether or not waterboarding is torture. That question has already been answered, and by the same government who now practices the technique themselves. The issue at hand is whether or not the use of waterboarding is reasonable and just. In the case of your government using the technique against terrorists, all good Christians are urged to support the President. Just as in the Spanish Inquisition, the use of waterboarding today is meant to accomplish a specific goal. American lives are saved, terrorist plots are uncovered, and enemy agents are converted to good Christians at the expense of a bucket of water and an old t-shirt.

Even if none of these positive outcomes were met, America is still justified in using torture techniques simply because, in this fight, you are the good guys. When God brought down the great flood to kill every living thing He still saved one boat full of good guys. When He led my good friend Moses and his band away from a pursuing army He gave the venerated leader the power to break water apart and to collapse it again upon his pursuers, ensuring that the good guys once again stayed safe. In your war on muslims and terrorists today, it is the United States, the One Nation Under God, who will remain dry and justified even as her enemies feel the sharp sting of cool liquid upon their heretical faces.

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