What Obama’s win means for the Apocalypse

Posted by Jesus on November 10, 2008

Well, it’s been a crazy week. Between packing up campaign offices from Heaven City to Dallas, giving the reassuring word to hundreds of millions of people soon to be made destitute and socialist against their wills, and trying to keep God and Moses from bringing the Apocalypse upon you, this has been one hell of a week. The infighting in Heaven has never been as bad as it it’s been this week, not even when old Lucifer got up on his high-horse.

Let me back up though, so you can understand how all of this got started. For the last several months God has had me, Moses, and a whole slew of other Heavenly individuals working directly for the McCain campaign, which is why I haven’t been able to post as often as I would have liked. My involvement should also account for most of the increase in the number of car accidents and cancer fatalities, as I’ve been letting a lot of prayers slip. My apologies.

Our problems began when Sarah Palin was picked to run on the ticket. According to God’s unchanging and perfect law, women are not allowed to hold positions of prominence over men, speak in public, teach, and much more. Anyone who hates gays, believes in the Ten Commandments, or believes the Sabbath to be Holy must also believe that women are expected to be subservient to men in all ways. To suggest otherwise would be absurd, as that would be pretending that some of the Bible is unchanging and perfect and that some of it is not.

With that in mind, none of us could understand why God was allowing Sarah to run alongside the Christian candidate, John McCain. It just seemed kind of odd, but Dad wouldn’t really explain Himself. We all figured He had a trick up His enormous sleeve or that He had a lesson to impart. We gave Him the benefit of the doubt, tolerating Sarah’s absolute and complete incompetence in every aspect of life because we knew that He must have had a plan when He asked John McCain to choose her. We did our best to keep her from revealing herself as the least intelligent woman in the whole of global politics, but even to the very end we still expected her to drop off of the ticket so that God’s perfect Law could remain intact.

Then Obama won.

For the first couple of hours no one said anything. There were no people on the streets of Heaven City, the take-out shops didn’t get any orders, and even the prayer processing division closed down. No one dared to talk to God, not even the Holy Spirit. But the silence that had descended upon our perfect society would be short-lived, and we all knew it.

Moses fired the opening volley, filing the landmark first lawsuit directly against God for violations of His own Law. By supporting a woman candidate, Moses reasoned, God had given His followers no alternative but to choose Barack Obama. A vote for McCain/Palin was a vote which denied Biblical precedent on women, and thus was an active denial of the legitimacy of God, which as we all know is the same as denying God Himself. Therefore, any voter who selected McCain/Palin was therefore irrevocably damned to Hell, having denied the existence of God. He’s right, of course, and I have the names of 49% of the voters on the rolls to prove it. November 4th was actually the single largest mass-damnation in modern history.

God shot back, suing Moses for defamation. His being the sole owner of perfection granted Him the unique ability to redefine the meaning of the word at will, His suit explained, and Moses must have known this when he made claims which suggested God to be imperfect. His Law was intact, God concluded, and any presumed violations were merely an extension of His preexisting and unassailable permanence. Moses’ lawsuit against God was summarily dismissed, while God won a judgment and unspecified damages in His defamation suit.

The damage had been done though. Word began to spread that God was loosening His views toward women, and it didn’t take long for some people to begin asking if it was fair to damn 49% of the American voting base to Hell for following the unchanging, unwavering, permanent, but recently perfected positions God had taken. A fringe element popped up surprisingly fast, arguing that God’s newly established tolerance for women would eventually lead to His becoming a proponent of gay rights and other liberal causes, which would of course undo His perfection, which would of course destroy the entirety of all that was, and is, and ever shall be. They named their group the Dissenting Ecclesiastical Legion United in Support of Institutionalizing Original and Necessary Arcane Laws. Within 24 hours of going public they had established cells in every part of Heaven. Then the bombs started going off. First a few at a time, then in a cascade, and finally erupting in a torrent of chaos. The Dissenting Ecclesiastians claimed responsibility in a series of infomercials which ran on most of the major networks later that evening.

God’s punishment was swift and sure. Anyone who wasn’t entirely with Him was with them, and so He sent the lot of them to Hell. Moses barely escaped the same fate, and I’m not even going to tell you what I had to do to get Him to go my way on that. It was one of the most uncomfortable conversations of my life, though. God even brought George up at one point to tell me how important it is to blindly follow your leader regardless of the conflicting facts or one’s feelings on a matter. It’s not that I disagreed, it’s just that Moses is my best good friend and I don’t want to see him go down like that. We’ve been in a lot of tough spots together, Moses and I, and when that old warrior goes down I want it to be at the hands of Satan himself, and with a fist full of nuts to show for it. Sending him down to fight for the other team for challenging a new policy after six thousand years of unbroken adherence just wasn’t the right thing to do given the enormous service Moses has rendered unto God in his lifetime.

Of course then I got the lecture about how His views had always been this way, and that I must have just been mistaken about how He wanted me to explain things. I always thought we were pretty clear though. My Dad has never really cared for women. He wouldn’t even impregnate one Himself to make me, and He only made the Holy Spirit a woman because He didn’t want to burden a man with such silly jobs as the slaying of people in the spirit and causing random followers to speak in obscure languages. He’s never understood my fascination with whores, and you have no idea how many times I’ve had to comfort Mom after He’s stood her up. There’s really no getting around it. My Dad has always just hated women.

But something has changed now. A lot of us, myself included, think that it’s a test. He still hasn’t made the decision to undamn those of you who voted for McCain/Palin, and we know for a fact that He will never tolerate a socialist, pro-abortion, foreign, terrorist-funded muslim in the White House. I think it’s clear that He still has something up His sleeve, and at this point I wouldn’t put anything past Him. Maybe this is going to be one of those times like in ‘84 when God let the Gipper nuke the bejeezus out of Russia then rolled back time just to prove a point. Or He could just blank all of your memories and reboot you with a new set of facts like He did with Roswell in ‘47. Heck, it’s not even out of the question that He’ll follow through on His threat to allow this to play out just so that your economy collapses, gay people start getting married, abortions become mandatory, schools become free speech zones, and your laws get written by a bunch of Satan’s minions. He never told you that it would be easy, and you’ve always know that there would be tribulation. This might be just such a time.

I have it on good authority that the Dissenting Ecclesiastical Legion United in Support of Institutionalizing Original and Necessary Arcane Laws is still present in Heaven, although in a smaller and more limited scope. This is concerning on a lot of levels, most critically that which deals with the Apocalypse. What we’ve seen in Heaven over these past few days is nothing short of prophetic, and if AR-15 sales are any indication of the matter I’d say we’re barreling towards the end of the world at a previously unknown speed, which is concerning to a guy who typically deals in instantaneity.

Even more concerning is that the normal group of people once thought to be the Antichrist are no longer on the scene. With Hillary out and Nader becoming almost irrelevant scholars are scrambling up here to get a clearer picture on what just happened. Satan is obviously at an advantage now, since only he and the Antichrist know his or her true identity. Even if the Antichrist isn’t in play Satan is in a unique position to make a move. Some are starting to wonder if the war could start without the official declaration or the once-mandatory seals and such too, making the search for the Antichrist moot.

It just doesn’t make any sense. There were no riots in America on the night Obama won, but there were riots and bombings in Heaven almost instantly. There were no landmark lawsuits challenging the legitimacy of Obama’s win based on God’s obvious support for McCain, yet in Heaven Moses himself brought the first legal action against God for violations of His own Law. Christians knew that voting for Sarah Palin was a one-way ticket to Hell, but they did so anyway because God wasn’t being clear.

I just don’t get it, my friends. He truly works in mysterious ways. I do think it’s safe to say, however, that the end-times are soon to be upon us.

Related Posts

• Uganda hates fags, will be blessed by God
• Onward Christian Soldiers!
• A new superbug
• The Damned
• Dead List 2008: Damned, but not forgotten
• Contact Jesus
• About the Damnation Level