Welcoming Jesse Helms

Posted by Jerry Falwell on July 8, 2008

My friends and fellow believers, it is my distinct pleasure to inform you that Jesse Helms has just been released from the Heavenly receiving department and is now at the right hand of Jesus. Of course no one should be surprised, as very few people exemplified the beliefs of Jesus so clearly and passionately as did our dear friend Jesse. I have been asked to say a few words at dinner tonight in his honor, and I’d like to summarize a couple of thoughts for those of you who missed the coverage over the holiday weekend.

In 2005 I opened the Jesse Helms School of Government at Liberty University. My good friend Jesse was there for the dedication ceremony. Despite his poor health we still conjured up a fib of enough profundity to recuse ourselves for more than two hours that same evening, and over a bottle of tequila we discussed a great many things.

Jesse lived his life according to the virtues of Jesus. He hated gays, equality, Russians, abortion, and food stamps. For thirty years he spoke as a powerful Christian voice in the United States Senate, ensuring that the position of Heaven was appropriately represented in our nation. In private, just as in public, Jesse expressed nothing but disgust for fags, abortionists, and other sinners, but it was only when you got him drinking that he’d really dig deep and tell you the root of his enormous well of self-righteousness.

On that night in my office, half tanked on cheap Cuervo, Jesse confided in me that he had been visited personally by Jesus on several occasions. He said that Jesus had been stopping in since the mid 70’s, and that his stances on a great many topics had been directly influenced by the Savior himself. Jesse was in the process of wrapping up his memoirs, and sought my advice as to whether these visits should be included in its pages.

“Well Jesse,” I told him, “the way I see it, you’ve done a great many wonderful things for Americans. No one would be surprised if they found out that you and Jesus spoke personally, just as no one is surprised to learn that my friend George has also been visited personally by Jesus regularly for a large portion of his life. I say you tell the truth.”

But Jesse did not. He chose to remain silent about his visits from Jesus, even as he continued fighting for such noble causes as the end to racial equality in America. No one was more committed to doing the work of Jesus than Jesse Helms, and until last week, no one more exemplified the living manifestation of Jesus more so than he. Today that commitment has found Jesse wrapping up the final stages of indoctrination into Heaven, where he will have the opportunity to visit with Jesus without any fear of condemnation or alienation. I suspect that Jesus will have him employed as an envoy to the Senate by year’s end. Still, I wish he’d come clean on his meetings with Jesus while he was among you.

For those of you who thought that in death you’d seen the end of Jesse Helms, let me be the first to assure you that he is now a much larger force than he ever was while alive. If you thought he hated black people before, wait until you see him with the weight of Heaven behind him. If you thought he was an opponent of the Clintons while alive, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at his newly acquired ability to thwart their plots directly from Heaven. If you thought he hated fags and their AIDS as a Senator, then you’ve got the biggest shock of all coming to you.

That’s right, Jesse Helms has been appointed to the head of God’s Strategic Planning Office on the Removal of Fags. For those of you who don’t follow Heavenly politics, that’s the office directly responsible for the spread and maintenance of AIDS on Earth. Helms made a career out of denying and limiting funding for AIDS relief while on Earth, and will hopefully be working closely with his Republican Senate counterparts from Heaven in the near future to ensure that his legacy continues. I don’t think that you can expect an immediate jump in the rate of AIDS cases, but you can bet your bottom dollar every new case will occur in places where federal money doesn’t get spent.

It is indeed a bright day in Heaven. Jesse Helms has come home to join his Christian brethren at the right hand of Jesus. The future looks ever clearer with soldiers such as him filling our ranks. Soon there will be a reckoning, and all of the work my good friend Jesse did over his faithful and wonderful life will come to fruition as the armies of Jesus run down the blasphemers and sinners who refuse to segregate and stratify as commanded in God’s Book.

But why am I blathering on? Let’s bring Jesse into the folds of Heaven with some of his own words.

“There is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy.”

“The New York Times and Washington Post are both infested with homosexuals themselves. Just about every person down there is a homosexual or lesbian.”

“To rob the Negro of his reputation of thinking through a problem in his own fashion is about the same as trying to pretend that he doesn’t have a natural instinct for rhythm and for singing and dancing.”

“Homosexuals are weak, morally sick wretches.”

“All Latins are volatile people. Hence, I was not surprised at the volatile reaction.”

“I’ve never heard once in this chamber anybody say to the  homosexuals, ’stop what you’re doing.’ If they would stop what  they’re doing there would not be one additional case of AIDS  in the United State.”

“I’ve been portrayed as a caveman by some. That’s not true.  I’m a conservative progressive, and that means I think all men  are equal, be they slants, beaners or niggers.”

And this is why you now see Heaven, Jesse. Welcome home.

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