The Texas Supreme Court is going to Heaven!

Posted by Jesus on July 1, 2008

No matter how long you live or how widely you travel, there are a great many things you are not likely to see in your short time on Earth. Among the most rare of all encounters are those which deal with a real, live manifest demon. Given the infrequency with which a real human possession occurs, compounded by the unavailability of good priests trained in the matter available to discover these possessions, you are statistically less likely to witness a true demon exorcism than you are to join the mile high club with a nun.

You might expect that, given the very few exorcisms which take place in the world, a court of law may not give quite so much weight to a church claiming the necessity of an exorcism when determining damages suffered by the 17 year old once plagued with the demon. But then most of you don’t appreciate Texas the way I do.

From the article:

In a 6-3 decision, the justices found that a lower court erred when it said the Pleasant Glade Assembly of God’s First Amendment rights regarding freedom of religion did not prevent the church from being held liable for mental distress triggered by a “hyper-spiritualistic environment.”

Justice David Medina wrote that finding the church liable “would have an unconstitutional ‘chilling effect’ by compelling the church to abandon core principles of its religious beliefs.”

I’d like all of you to take a moment out of your day to send a special prayer to Heaven for David Medina today. Address it to the Department of Blessings. I’ll swing by later this week to see what you’ve all come up with and we’ll send him some sort of gift from Heaven for the Independence Day weekend. Maybe I can even free up one of God’s favorite angels, Viagricus, to pay Mr. Medina a visit.

More from the article:

Laura Schubert testified in 2002 that she was cut and bruised and later experienced hallucinations after the church members’ actions in 1996, when she was 17. Schubert said she was pinned to the floor for hours and received carpet burns during the exorcism, the Austin American-Statesman reported. She also said the incident led her to mutilate herself and attempt suicide. She eventually sought psychiatric help.

Look, if this confused and scared teenage girl had to be pinned to the floor and manhandled by a bunch of her terrified peers in order to clear her physical being of the plague of demon possession, then who is anybody to get in their way? Forcefully exorcising demons from distressed and psychologically ill teenagers is exactly the kind of thing your forefathers had in mind when they penned your 1st Amendment. For the court to rule that injuries suffered by this girl during the removal of her demon were grounds for financial compensation would have denied the church and its members the right to practice their religion, which every sane and rational person knows includes the occasional exorcism.

More from another article:

Schubert’s account of what happened over several days at the Pleasant Glade church in June 1996 is harrowing.

Schubert and her brother were involved with church activities while their parents were out of town.

On Friday evening, during preparations for a youth group garage sale, the atmosphere became “spiritually charged” when another youth said he saw a demon.

Under direction of the youth minister, the youth frantically anointed everything in the church with holy oil until, at 4:30 a.m. Saturday, the minister told the exhausted youth that they had finally been successful.

At the Sunday evening worship services, Schubert collapsed. Church members “laid hands” on her and forcibly held her arms crossed over her chest, despite her demands to be set free.

She reportedly cried, yelled, kicked, sweated and hallucinated while also making guttural noises.

She was released after she calmed down and replied with requests to say the name Jesus.

The following Wednesday, during a weekly youth service, Schubert reportedly began to act in the same manner. She curled into a fetal position and asked to be left alone. Church members thought she was in distress and held her down in a “spread eagle” position with youth members holding down her arms and legs.

During the incident, she suffered carpet burns, a scrape on her back and bruises on her wrists.

I’d like to see you get attacked by a demon and walk away with a few scrapes and some carpet burns. Her friends saved her life that night by holding her in a spread eagle position and bombarding her with religious messages during a time of immense emotional pressure in her young life. Everyone goes through tough times when they’re young, but this girl actually hit bottom and got possessed by a real demon. Imagine what would have happened if they had actually allowed her to leave and see a real psychologist! They did the whole world a favor by pinning her down instead of allowing her to seek help outside of the charged and frenzied religious atmosphere. A demon on the loose in Texas is never good.

Alongside Justice Medina, those who will be receiving guaranteed passes to enter Heaven upon their deaths are Justices Scott Brister, Nathan Hecht, Dale Wainwright, and Don Willett. They will dine with God on their first evening in Heaven, and will all be made clerks to the Heavenly Supreme Court when they arrive, if they so choose. If they work hard they may even someday sit alongside Moses on our most esteemed Court. Or they could simply spend eternity shooting mid-60s an any of our many amazing clubs. It’s up to them, really. That’s the beauty of the Jesus Jackpot. Heaven is your playground. You get a big house right on Lake Heaven City, a membership to the Country Club, and a regular appointment with the Trinity member of your choice.

Chief Justice Wallace Jefferson and Justices Paul Green and Phil Johnson came close to spending all eternity in Heaven, but made a boneheaded call on this one. If churches don’t have the right to pin their parishioners down and mentally force them into compliance now and again, then what rights do they have at all? Next you’ll be telling us that you think it’s wrong for parents to enforce strict religious upbringing on children who have not the rational comprehension necessary to question its intent. That kind of thing makes Jesus weep.

Justice Harriet O’Neill sided with the majority and made the right call, but because she is a woman, and thus not actually allowed to serve in any capacity over a man per God’s Word, will not be receiving the benefit of the Jesus Jackpot at this time either. Rules are rules. Maybe I can get Mary to send her a nice gift basket or something.

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