The Pope Cometh

Posted by Jesus on April 17, 2008

Americans are generally not the most aware people, knowing very little about their own government, where their money goes when they tithe, or even what components make up their favorite pseudo-food, the Big Mac. It’s not surprising that many of you don’t know that the Pope is in the United States right now either, since I don’t recall that information being relayed to you via American Idol or Lost recently. Ignorance aside, the Pope is indeed within your borders, and it’s about time for you to get mad.

If I were to return to Earth today, which is not at all outside the realm of possibility (remember that it could happen at literally any moment!), the one thing I would immediately shut down would be the Catholic Church. No organization on the planet has been responsible for so many misinterpretations and outright lies regarding the Holy Scripture than the Catholics, which is odd when you consider that they were originally intended to be a protective force for the eternal, unchanging Word of God.

That all changed when the Church decided that adopting pagan rituals and rebranding them as bona fide Christian celebrations was an acceptable diversion from God’s Plan. Christmas, Easter, and even Sunday morning services are all damnable events if celebrated even once. It can be said, and rightfully so, that there is not a single Catholic on the planet Earth who has even the slimmest chance at getting into Heaven. The lone exception is the Pope himself, who only ascends because Heaven knows better than to allow Popes and Presidents to go to Hell and become instruments of Satan. The Pope certainly doesn’t deserve Heaven, but he’ll get here nonetheless. Unfortunately for him the only Catholics to be found up here are fellow former Popes, none of whom are very good company due to their mandatory servitude in the sewage treatment facility. Your current Pope will make a fine addition to the team.

The good news is that your President, George Bush, is more aware of the Catholic Church’s shortcomings than you are, so he is is paying little more than lip service to its venerated leader. He knows that God does not speak through one man, but rather chooses to speak to several individuals who wield significant power. Bush knows this because he is one of them. How do you think he feels sitting in a room with the Pope, whose office has historically claimed to be the only pathway by which direct communication with God is possible? Bush knows the truth because God actually does talk directly to him, unlike the Pope. I’ll bet that was an awkward meeting. Two men who both claim to speak directly to God sitting in the same room, but only one of whom is telling the truth.

The eternal souls of his entire flock notwithstanding, the Pope has more problems than a man needs. A former Nazi and closet pedophile, his trip to America is awakening within him a long-felt urge to do as his predecessors have done and wage war against anyone within rock-slinging distance. While God has used the Catholic Church in the past to do His bidding, such as in the case of the Inquisition and a number of Crusades, His modern approach to problem-solving has been through His involvement with the USA. God no longer has a significant need for the Catholic Church’s ability to call forth millions of followers to kill and to die for a cause they barely understand, for now He has tapped into the great well of ignorance known as the American Church. Baptists, Methodists, Presbyterians, and the like all follow their central leader, the man they put into office through God’s complete and unyielding control of their lives, George Bush. That has to make the Pope feel pretty lonely, and it’s not surprising that he’s chosen the USA as the place to begin the reconstruction of the military arm of the Church he now leads.

Watch for a major announcement from the Pope over the next few months. He’s learning a lot about waging war against muslims from the people he’s meeting in America, and all of that knowledge will soon be put to use in what will probably be a failed attempt at drumming up another Crusade to retake Istanbul. Whether he succeeds or not will depend only on God, who hasn’t even let me in on this part of His Plan. He tends to keep His intentions quiet when dealing with the Catholics. There’s nothing quite so dangerous as a billion riled-up, delusional, death-slinging sycophants ready to give their life for a cause.

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